I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

Dearest Corn,

Please make sure you add to your list to be enormously kind to yourself. Christmas is a tough time year for so many. I don't know how you feel about Christmas but it is undoubtably full of memories. I hope dear Sweetcorn your anxiety is not punishing you to much and you can find some peace.

I am so grateful for and cherish your help and support, thank you.

May your Christmas prove to be delightful and 2017 healthy and fruitful. May your lists work a special magic of their own. May you love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.

Cuddles and love. xx

[Wednesday]

I have a great imagine of Mr P with his beak thermometer, good work on beating the bugs!

I'm having a green frog moment, not sure why, but I think she/he is rather cute too! Oh I loved Enid Blyton too, especially Georg from the Famous Five, such great adventures and picnics they had.

Blue dear treasure I wish you and LM a wonderful Christmas and for 2017 to be healthy and fruitful for you both. Thank you so much for your ongoing and amazing support. Gorgeous one!

Love and hugs, xx

[blondguy]

Hey Wednesday!

Congrats on your 1000th post by the way.....I have been slack and on and off the air with minimal input over the last few weeks.....my apologies. I know you are and have been in a bad place with what you have gone through

You are so right about our BB friends knowing more about us than even some people that are close to us and thats not really a bad thing.

I hope you (or anyone on your thread) can come and even say hello on the Christmas2016 & New Years Chillout Lounge (even your favorite Christmas track or movie) only if you wish of course 🙂

More importantly, I hope that you have been reasonably okay

Mega Hugs

Paulxo

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I don't think you need an excuse for a green frog moment, Ava. Frogs are great. And so were the Famous Five. I'm also thinking of C.S. Lewis and the kids in the Narnia books, in relation to wee British kids getting up to their mischief. Loved those stories as well (Croix, you've really started something).

Hope you have a great Christmas with your daughter. Some lively jazz and birdie snuggles for you. 🙂

Blue.

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Ava,

Thinking of you and wishing you are in less pain than normal and that your heart is fuller for being with family.

I liked George too and most any Enid Blyton book. I also enjoyed Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators.

Much love to you dear Ava xx

[Guest_9809]

Dear Ava,

I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you over Christmas. I will be picturing you enjoying a lovely family meal and spending time with your daughter and her family. I see your little grandson as you described, with his smiley delighted face, playing with his cars. And I think you will be rewarded, as a loving grandma should, by being asked to play with his most favoured fire engine, truck or noisy red car. (-:

Oh .... and I'm with you - I love frogs! And lizards too for that matter. Tammie does too, although treats them somewhat differently. She is very gentle with frogs, but will kill lizards unless I'm around to prevent her. Sigh.

Have to agree with Blue and Carol also on Enid Blyton and Famous the Five. I devoured every one of their famous adventures as a kid. Narnia books Blue? I must be too old for those I think, as I dont know them.

Anyway Ava - a very merry christmas to you. Do what you need to do, medications wise, to allow it to be as special as possible. Enjoy.

Much love to you.

Taurus xx

[Croix]

Dear Taurus4826, Wednesday and all~

As Blue seems to think I'm the culprit for this literary turn I though I'd mention that the Narnia series was by C.S.Lewis, whom you might have heard of for The Screwtape Letters or such earlier works as Out of the Silent Planet. His Narnia was a little later - early 50'ws I believe.

I did not hear of the Narnia series either as a child, and thus never read it to mine - I don't think he was permanently scarred by the lack - he had plenty of other fodder.

Anyway I hope all here have a most pleasant hassle-free few days

Croix (who enjoyed Fell Farm, Swallows & Amazons & Wind in the Willows too)

[Wednesday]

Dearest Paul, Croix, Carol and Taurus,

I am so incredibly lucky to have you all. Thank you so very much for your warm wishes, care and love. It has been a rocky year and you have all meant so very much to me, words fail.

Dear ones, please treat yourself with love and take very gentle care of yourselves.

My current wifi is not fabulous so before I lose it again I want you to know how important you all are to me. Truly without you I doubt I would have got through this year and nor would I have cared. You have taught me about wisdom, friendship and unconditional love. You propped me up when I wanted toggle up and yet you ask nothing of me, concepts that often escape me. Thank you for listening to my woes, failings and past.

The last few days have not been easy (to be explained later). Knowing that you are here is a precious thing for me. I am taking silly amounts of meds and don't care, what ever it takes for me at least.

I hope you all find a piece of magic in your present and that life provides you with respite and kindness always.

Much love and cuddles, xxx

PS I loved Narnia too, the lion the witch and the wardrobe was fabulous.

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday and all

Happy Christmas

My you look back on it with fondness

Croix

[Guest_9809]

Thankyou Croix, and the same to you. I've seen you around a few threads lately, although havent formally 'met'. Anyway its lovely seeing you around a bit more lately.

I hope you also have a happy Christmas and get to spend it with loved ones.

All the best.

Taurus xx