I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Cornstarch]

You are a victim Wednesday. It's just simply awful what has happened to you, I shudder to think, but I'm pretty certain what category of trauma/s you belong to, and to top it off you're suffering is not being seen by P. I don't know how you do it. The aloneness would eat me alive.

There is so much pressure to purify ourselves of natural emotions or pretend that we don't have them at all.

Women aren't allowed to be angry and rageful or they are labeled lunatics or unhinged, they're also not allowed to feel victimised because that makes us weak, so who holds the list of acceptable versus non acceptable emotions? I'm sure they have a corresponding age and duration that is considered acceptable and reasonable also, preached by people who have never been sexually assaulted.

Your son is struggling to accept that he is not in control of what happens to you, and he feels powerless & scared so it comes out in anger.

You've said previously Wednesday that you keep a lot contained inside of boxes, because to open those boxes would destabilise you to a point where life became unmanageable. I suppose just because a box is closed it can still rattle inside and send waves of memory up your nervous system if you want them or not. Unfortunately Wednesday because you were young and malleable like me when it was happening it is a daily struggle with our sense of self, and self worth. We are shaped by those events; literally, moulded. That's what is so hard to shift and no amount of logical thinking will do the trick.

Whatever happens Wednesday don't be afraid to use the health/hospital system if you need to. That's what it's there for. Hopefully it won't come to that, but it doesn't sound like you have much support from your husband or your son. I would find that so invalidating when you are clearly suffering inside so much.

Sending you white light and rainbows

Cuddly Corn

[kanga_brumby]

Hi Wednesday I have been reading some of your posts. All I can say is usually people who have done wrong by me. When it was inappropriate have had a huge dose of karma hit them right where it hearts the most. I did nothing karma did it for me. So dont stress to much. I have two teenage children. Right about now they know it all. People have told them there rights. Not there responsibilities, in time they will realy learn to use them wisely. Just like I had to learn. If yours are giving you grief let them have a little roap in time let them know you have been heart by there action. Then let them build the bridge back to you. Because you are a worthwhile individual, you are worth lots.

I know this because I would bash up on myself often. Till I realised what it was doing to me. Shore I still have my moments. But nowhere near as bad. Usually it's me saying how great I am.

Stay strong, Hugs Kanga

[Lost_Girl]

Dearest Ava,

There are many people here who would miss you too and I will selfishly put myself at the top of the list as you mean a great deal to me.

I am sorry your son is not able to understand what you're going through. It must be hard to not be able to talk with him given that reaction. He sounds naive and ignorant but so many people are in the case of chronic illnesses and depression. Luckily there are some lovely people here to listen and be here for you.

As an adult your son is also able to have his own failings. I feel compelled to point out dear friend that you have not failed him by opening your heart and sharing your vulnerability with him, it is he who has failed you.

You are a beautiful caring soul with lots of love to give. Your poor body is letting you down but you are so incredibly brave and strong. You continue to provide support to P even though he consistently lets you down. You continue to be open to share your heart with his family no matter how badly they behave. You say you can hardly bare yourself and yet you sound like an angel to me.

I am sad that P's grandkids have forgotten you. I am hopeful you will get the chance to see them more often and build a relationship again. Will you be staying home fir xmas now or still heading to your daughters?

Let me know how it goes with the bloodtests and what the next steps are. Whoa, that's a lot of caffeine!! Haha. It is tiring pretending to be coping too. You don't have to pretend here.

I wonder if there ìs anyway to get you more social access. It sounds to me like you need an in person support group that you can let out all these feelings to and get some understanding looks and hugs and feels so that it helps remind you that you are worthy and valued and loved. I know P doesn't like people there but maybe you need to kick him out on a particular day/morning so you can reconnect with some old friends. Alternatively are there any support groups for any of the auto immune probs you have? or find a Depression support group via meeting place or similar? I just feel it might do you the world of good to connect with some people in person.

Don't think PTSD for me but hypnosis might work. Not sure if it will work for me, I seem to suck at relaxation and meditation. Just can't slow my mind. I will keep that thought in mind though.

Huge hugs to you. Big squeezy ones because it's virtual and I can.You are very special to me.

Much love,

Carol xx

[Wednesday]

Dear Sweetcorn,

Thank you for your sweet post as always your wisdom shines through. I have fought all my life not to be a victim an abuse victim, a cancer victim, family rejection and so on. I didn’t want to give my children anything but the best of me. They clearly didn’t get it but I did my best. Maybe Corn I am a victim maybe I have spent my life looking at this upside down. I think we have talked about normal before. My normal would seem to have been skewed but it is all I know. I read and read when I had children knowing I had to do things for them differently, I imperfectly tried.

I haven’t been able to watch the news or read papers while all the abuse royal commissions and investigations have been on. I am too old to have not figured this out by now. I am furious when I hear an abuse story of another, but not one of my own, no anger. I guess those rattling boxes are still tightly locked. I’m pretty sure I can’t manage to deal with them and the contents.

I am a façade an empty dwelling with so many medications that I can hear my thoughts bouncing around the empty shell. I’ve said more on this site than probably ever, thank you dear ones for listening, I also hope none of you have figured out who I am. I agree with your comment on woman’s anger I have seen it often in many circumstances. I have seen men behave badly and have it laughed off. We have so far to go still. I think you're right about my son, but I don’t know how to manage the situation. His own job is more than most people could manage. He too had to live through his father’s narcissism / psychopathic abuse, I’m the mother in this context he is the child and I owe him.

You’re are a treasure Corn and didn’t deserve the way you were treated. I was sickened when I read a littl more of our story on another post, others watched. Oh Corn I am so sorry, healthy, warm, caring cuddles dear one.

I'm trying.

Cuddles, xxx

[Wednesday]

Thank you dear Taurus.

I am so proud of you working through your journey and grateful that other adorable BBer's are with you. Sorry I'm not much help.

Hugs and tickles for you and Tammie. xx

[Wednesday]

Dear kanga,

So lovely of you to join my thread, thank you. My children are adults. As I suspect you know being both parents is a difficult road full of potholes. I seem to have hit a particularly deep pothole without the energy required to work it through.

It sounds like you have your teenagers sussed. Good luck. I love that you have turned tings around for yourself and are giving yourself well deserved encouragement and praise.

Hugs, xx

[Cornstarch]

Wednesday you are an incredible women.

No, I haven't figured out who you are, but I am certain that you are just the loveliest most kindest person, and it sickens me what has happened.

I am totally in your corner with the news. Why do you think I got rid of the television. I am exactly the same as you with the Royal Commission this year, my nervous system was being jolted every single day, it was just utterly repulsive to listen to, and I simply had to become a monk to cope, and get some sleep.

The second I hear the intro music on the radio or whatever I am listening to online, I switch it off and wait for it to finish. That's what PTSD is, it is a sensory disorder, we have inappropriate arousal to the context, we cannot compartmentalise traumatic memories anymore without feeling overwhelmed.

You have done a great job with your children Wednesday, I think it's amazing you were able to raise them after the brutality you were subjected to. Your son just feels useless and scared because he is unable to help you in any lasting way. I'm pretty confident that our families are just as repulsed by paedophiles as we are, and they have no avenue to express their frustration and disbelief that a creep could do that. It is quite literally the perfect crime Wednesday, don't even get me started on the justice system when it comes to this crime.

Thank you for your kind words & acknowledging how awful it was re my audience, you have given me more acknowledgment than people in my own family who would rather bury their heads in the sand. It completely messed with my head. and no I will never 'get over it'.

I hope you got some lovely sunshine today Wednesday. I don't know if you live by the sea or a river or a mountain range but I hope that the natural world is close by to you. It is very soothing and accepting.

Cuddly Corn

xxx

[Wednesday]

Dearest carol,

You are always so very kind to me. I’m on such a lot of medications at the moment I have trouble standing up straight it is hard to see the value in me. There are so many people that deserve the taxpayers dollars being spent on me with so much more to offer. My son doesn’t get it, even the doctors struggle to get their heads around all the complications.

I have been very lucky to have the BBer’s around, especially those very special ones that keep hanging in there and you dear one. It is so painful to see P’s kids and grandchildren. I am supposed to go to my daughters for Christmas and P will stay here with his family. My head just swims with trying to be reasonable about all this. To many corporate hours, don’t work with your heart use your head Ava! No Hugs in the workplace!

The blood tests are dribbling in. Initial results are depressing and need to be further evaluated to see what’s next. My latest infusions have failed and I am in a lot of pain. I have meds but while limiting the pain they limit my life in other ways, playing with my head, stopping me sleeping etc. I try to keep in touch with people, but often have to cancel, the flare ups are increasing and becoming more severe. A few years ago I would be in hospital now but I have the meds at home and can't stand to go in there anymore.

I’d be hopeless at a support group. I’m a better listener than talker, I even find the days in hospital listening to others with the range of AI’s exhaust me. There is always someone worse off.

I so hope that you are having some positive results. I can barely express my gratitude thank you for being there for me. Cuddles dearest Carol. xx

[Wednesday]

Dearest Cuddlycorn,

You are so kind, I deeply appreciate your posts and kindness. You have taught me so much you lovely treasure. I've never thought of myself as having PTSD. But I certainly do have some odd reactions, for example there is no way anyway can catch me unaware without me absolutely losing the plot. So I scare them as they have scared me, it's a good little farce, I'm not sure my work colleagues every got used to it!

You're right again, it is the perfect crime, after all little kids tell lies....so I was told. I don't see how you, I or anyone else can over it, it is a lifetime sentence. The damage done is enormous, our sense of self destroyed our boundaries violated. It is always easier to disassociate and in my case not hear anything, say very little and hide.

It chokes me to think that anyone can stand bye and watch anyone much less a beautiful young child be so badly hurt. Dear Corn, I'm with you in spirit next time those monsters come around in what ever form they take. Know I'm with you fighting for you, holding you or just being near whatever you need.

Thank you for your compliments on raising my children. I think I know that I probably did the best I could, but they could have done with more, an extended family perhaps. They also suffered because of the father I chose for them. He messed with their heads, you know that one Corn. I was so frightened of the world that I was sure I was wrong all the time, I was so inadequate. I have said very little to them about my past (it's locked in a box) but they are smart I am sure they have figured some things out. Yes my son wants to fix me, sadly he can't. When I had a mastectomy a few years ago he was so upset he told no-one. My hear bleeds for him, I wish could hold him as I could when he was little and tell him it will be okay, that I'll sort it out. But I can't and he just wants it to be fixed. He doesn't understand the extent of my illness and I have no way of telling him without him being angry. You're right again Corn.

I too love nature and try to get into my much adored garden as much as I can. I so hope your day has been perfectly lovely. Take great care of yourself dear one.

Warm cuddles, xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Dear Ava,

Your thread has been pretty busy since I was here last. Sorry for the lengthy absence. As you say, my job is pretty tiring - retail and Christmas aren't a pretty combination - and I've been sick, too. Reckon we need to have another bug-beating party. 😉

Sorry to hear the pain is getting to you so much. It must be hard to deal with that day in and day out. I wish I could indeed beat your illness up and send it packing.

I get the sense from some recent posts that there is a lot more to your story than I know. I won't make assumptions, I'll just say I'm here to listen if you need it, or to sit companionably with our accustomed wide selection of music and beverages to hand if you'd rather that.

As regards your son, have you thought of writing a letter to him to explain how you're feeling, with your illness and his reactions to it? If he has the compassion I'll wager you did your best to teach him, maybe that distance of reading and not speaking directly on it may give him room to process and think on your words instead of just reacting. Apologies if it's something you've already tried and this falls in the useless helpful suggestion bucket.

I may have been a bit quiet lately, but I haven't forgotten about you. Wishing you peace and as little pain and frustration as possible.

Blue.