I’m back and I need support

[Chicken_Wings]

I haven’t posted in a long time. I haven’t exactly been “well” the whole time, but I’ve been pretty good. It seems though that I’m starting to experience another low.

There are a number of things which seem to have lead to the feelings I’m having right now.

My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and it’s terminal.

I’ve just had another birthday, the older I get the less I look forward to them as they remind me of what I haven’t done.

Just came back from a trip to see mum (who used to be my go-to support person) and I can see she’s gotten worse. I don’t feel it’s fair any more to ask her to be my shoulder when I need one as she has enough on her plate.

Ive noticed that she is beginning to use me as her emotional support which means I put effort into appearing positive for her.

My boyfriend is not very helpful with my anxiety and depression as he also has anxiety and deals with it completely differently.

I feel like these things have built up on me a bit and now I’m feeling tense and anxious. I’m scared and sad and feeling isolated.

My fear is manifesting itself into pyhsical symptoms now. I’m not eating that well and I feel like my brain isn’t as quick as it has been, like I can’t keep up.

I kind of just need to tell someone these things and hopefully hear that it’s ok to feel this way. That this is temporary and that with effort I can feel like myself again.

[Chicken_Wings]

I lasted right up until I got in the car to come home from work before I cried.

I cant help but feel like a bit of a failure crying again. I know I need to be kind to myself and I know crying is ok, but I also want to be better and crying doesn’t feel better.

I hope everyone else was more successful.

I’ve scared myself thinking that there is something wrong with me again. This seems to be my fall back position when I get anxious, assume something is horribly wrong with me. I can’t seem to help it. I’ve discussed it with my psychologist and I’m sure it will come up again next week when I see her again.

I think most of all I just feel disappointed right now. Because I was feeling better and now I’m not.

[BballJ]

Hi Chicken Wings,

It seems you have had a rough couple of days and that is ok. The crying is ok, as much as it doesn't feel good, it is such a release and you are slowly getting things out. I know it doesn't feel that way but it really is. I think part of the mental health battle and what not is wanting to just feel better and now deal with anything. The problem is getting to "feeling better" is a journey and the destination is the point where we feel better. I think one thing to note is that we try so hard and focus so hard on the destination and not enjoying the actual journey of getting there. When I say enjoy I mean like, enjoying the little things on the way, enjoying the moment when you smile during the day, enjoying when something makes you laugh, when something makes you feel good inside, that is enjoying the journey to feeling better, yes its ok to feel average and cry and be upset but reminding yourself, you will get to the destination soon, there will be some bumps on the way but sit back and try to enjoy aspects of it because those aspects are you learning about yourself as well.

Hope that made some sense.

My best,

Jay

[Chicken_Wings]

Thank you Jay,

I’m doing slightly better today and I will try and take the time to appreciate the good moments. Because there are some.

I’m so hyper aware of how I feel and I need to be able to just be in the moment and enjoy things that happen over the day.

I didn’t go out last night. I just didn’t want to. But I’m meant to be going out tonight, I’m nervous, but I really want to try.

[Ggrand]

Hello CW,

Im pleased you are doing better and have some good times to remember. There is a thread here Store your happy memories, you could always post your good times in there ( only if you want to).

Did you end up going out the other night and if so did you enjoy yourself a bit..oh I hope you did.

You are making such great progress, sometimes we all fall back, but CW I think that makes our determination more stronger because we've had a bit of peace and know it feel good.

How are you going with eating?

Thank you BballJ, your post to Chicken Wings gave me something to think about.

Kind thoughts,

Grandy

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Grandy,

Unfortunately I didn’t go out. I couldn’t do it. I just wanted to stay home in my safe place.

I tried to do some activities over the weekend. I watched movies and did some painting and also had a skype session with my mum. I enjoyed these things but in general just felt sad.

Im trying super hard today because I really really want to get better and I can’t get better if I hide.

I think my boyfriend is getting sick of me crying. Which I understand because I’m getting sick of it too.

I’m keeping up with my eating though. That’s something I guess.

I which I could get to where I was, I felt so good.

[Chicken_Wings]

Yesterday wasn’t the realest, but I made it. Today was a better day, I had periods of feeling ‘normal’.

Then I got home and had a letter to had a follow up with my doctor. I had blood tests 5 weeks ago and they’ve just got hold of me to come back in.

Usually I assume a person wouldn’t be super worried about this because they’d assume that it can’t be that catastrophic if they’ve waited so long to get me back in. In my head though this is it. This is me going in to hear some sort of terrible news.

I have made the next available appointment with the Dr to sort it out because of I put it off I’ll just keep worrying about it.

This is making my constant thought that there is something wrong with me stronger.

In a small way, I guess if there is something wrong and it can be fixed and it’s minor, maybe that will be just what I need.

Im just scared.

[BballJ]

Hi Chicken Wings,

I know the scared feeling, I had a blood test a week and half ago and I have been too nervous to go in to get the results, just do not want to hear something bad, although I said that to my friend today and she said if it's something bad then we can work on fixing it. Did make me feel a little better. I know the feeling you are experiencing however and just trying to stay as positive as you can through it. Like I said in my previous post. We want to feel better right away and go back to when things were easier but it just isn't that simple as much as we want it to be.

When do you find out your results?

My best,

Jay

[Chicken_Wings]

Thanks Jay,

Im going in for the results first thing. I’m just going to rip the bandaid off. If I put it off nothing will get better.

Anything to do with my health is scary. I saw my psychologist today which was probably good timing.

[Chicken_Wings]

I did it.

My heart was in my chest and I cried a little, but it turns out it was pretty insignificant. I instantly felt so much better and I even got to have a quick chat to the Dr about how my mental health is doing.

Jay I think you should get the worry off your shoulders.

[Ggrand]

Hello Chicken Wings, Jay and everyone,

Well CW what can I say except, I'm so very proud of you.

Jay..Please don't be scared to get your test results back...A few years ago I had one done..The doctor rang me two days after and asked me to come in..Bingo something wrong, low iron..?The doctors usually ring you if something is wrong, If your blood test is normal they usually don't ring you and will give you the results on your next visit..So please Jay just pop in and get your results back then you can relax..

Your making really good progress CW.. how about a celebration dinner tonight, Something yummy but healthy..you deserve it sweetheart..

Caring thoughts for all.

Grandy