I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

I think you did the right thing by doing what you wanted and not going. If you're not going to have fun, don't put yourself out to be more stressed for the sake of others. There's a time and place for that, and this wasn't one of them. So good on you 🙂

Hope your chat to your friend goes well. He sounds like a good guy and it can be scary opening up to people, but it's better we try and find the ones that really matter, than stay closed up and mentally isolated.

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01

Arrgh I just saw James called you Mitch and realised I hadn't asked if you preferred another name! Which do you use?

How did your weekend go? Was your friend receptive? Do you think you'll be able to speak to him more? I hope it went well.

How have you been progressing? You didn't go out to the thing with your friends (fair enough) but have you been trying out other interests?

I actually wanted to ask you if you had any ideas about ways to build self esteem? I spoke to my psychiatrist who says my self esteem is shattered and I'm not really having much luck thinking of ways to improve that.

The external approval of other people is helpful but he (psych) seems to think it's healthier if it's from within. What do you think? You've mentioned you struggle with this too has anyone given you good advice?

I'm going to raise this is psychotherapy Wednesday so if I get anything useful will let you know too.

Hope you're ok. Take care.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Are you ok?

Just checking in. No need to reply unless you want to. Just know people are thinking of you.

Take care.

[HamSolo01]

Hey guys, nice to hear from you.

I've been well i guess, given whats going on.

Spoke to my friend and all, was an interesting experience.

He said he had dealt with similar, but im sceptical of that. I didnt say too much, just apologised for bailing social things in the past and explained it wasnt because i hate them or anything. Probably got permanently uninvited to that group now, but oh well. He said in the end people will be there for me. I appreciated that, but again im sceptical as to whether or not it will lead to any positive change. Just gonna leave it for now. But i was honest and thats all that matters, i imagine he respected that. If not then so be it. But i didnt say too much. For fear of him trying to set me up with a girl.... which is a joke of a reply tbh. Anyways, time to leave that in the past i reckon.

Sunday was interesting. Had a good chat to parents and sister over what was going on for me. Happened to crack the sh*ts at dinner and ended up getting upset but it got worked through in the end. That is all that matters - if its worked out in the end. I can see my folks are proud of me and that makes me happy. I can see that i'll graduate and this will be a good step of progress in life for me. All the regrets i have kinda fall out of significance when i look at what i deal with on a daily basis.

As for my mental health...its relatively okay. Just gotta maintain a base level of health (eating enough because i lose my appetite easy due to depression, gym attendance, meds, sleeping right) i asked the GP about sleeping meds cause my sleep has been very average lately. Gave me melotonin - sleeping hormone.

As for approval.. ive been doing some thinking on that. I think we are all reliant on external approval to some extent. Some people have that streak more than others, people who crave attention for example need their approval. Internal validation precedes external i would say. Only when you validate from within can you determine what external validation is worth your time. Or else you will value yourself according to ANYONE elses standards. Sometimes i think to myself about people i cant get along with and ask if i even want their respect anyway. I reckon the trick is stop caring about other people for a few moments and remember why you deserve things. Easier said than done, its something i still struggle with though.

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

Good to hear from you and even better to hear you're focusing on your health.

It's a shame you didn't get the reult you were hoping for from your friend. Don't give up on him though. Sometimes people aren't quite sure what to say or how to help. Maybe if you think of a few things he could do which would benefit you you could ask if he'd be willing to try. Like making sure if he hasn't heard from you in a while to harrass you to go out with him even if it's just to a movie or for a walk? Or maybe asking him to join you at the gym or a sport or something regularly? Sometimes people need to be told what you need or they get a bit stumped. What do you think?

Also I love this....

I think we are all reliant on external approval to some extent. Some people have that streak more than others, people who crave attention for example need their approval. Internal validation precedes external i would say. Only when you validate from within can you determine what external validation is worth your time. Or else you will value yourself according to ANYONE elses standards.

Totally echos what my psychiatrist said. He asked me why was I vulnerable to abuse? Why did I accept it even though I knew it was wrong. Because I think I'm worthless and inferior. Self esteem at 0%. I pretend beautifully and noone seems to notice but I know how I feel. What you wrote makes sense. I need to work on how I feel about myself. What do I want to do? What interests me?

The same applies to you... You worry about your degree and job prospects. If you closed your eyes and thought about it do you love your degree? Are you passionate about it? If you won lotto and money wasn't an issue what would you do? I know it's in the realm of unpractical advice which you find unhelpful... Sorry. But what do you want to do? Just for yourself not to please anyone else but you. Have you thought about that? I ask because I haven't.

I'm interested in your opinion on this. I figure building self esteem and self worth means following your own passions and doing what interests you. What do you think?

[JessF]

Hello everyone, it's your friendly neighbourhood busybody here. I haven't posted in this thread before, so I hope I don't come across too much as the neighbour listening in over the fence and butting in, but I've been enjoying reading through the posts here and seeing how you Ham Solo have been coming along.

Dealing with the rollercoaster of difficult emotions is tough at any age, but being aware of your feelings and being able to reflect on how you behaved in situations, where it got you, and how you might adjust that in the future to get closer to what you want is a skill that many of us twice your age are still figuring out. So thank you for inspiring us all on that front.

I wanted to support what Quercus is saying around following your passions. The lotto question is one I often ask myself when I feel really stuck, and yes it can sometimes lead you to some uncomfortable places.

Let's say, for example, that someone asked me, what's your absolute dream if there were no barriers, and my dream was to be a professional tennis player. Now, it wouldn't matter how much money I had, realistically at my age and with the best will in the world it's just not going to happen. So where do I go from there?

Well, there's going to be a period of grief and acceptance around letting go of that particular dream. But all is not lost. If I reflect deeper on that dream, and ask myself what do I imagine life would be like if I achieved that dream, how would I be feeling, it's going to throw up answers like - I would be fit and in shape, I would be more confident, I would feel validated, I would feel I had achieved something, I would feel respected.

Now, it is possible for me to achieve all of those things above in OTHER ways. And the beauty of it is, those things I describe above are really my actual goals. Very achievable! They will still be hard work, but now instead of one, unrealistic and unachievable path to getting there - being a professional tennis player - there are now potentially many paths I can try.

Heading back inside for a cup of tea now...

[Quercus]

Hi JessF 😊

Sorry I had to have a giggle at your neighbour comment. I'm glad to hear your thoughts echo mine.

Sometimes I worry I don't have much to offer in the way of supporting you HamSolo01. So it's nice to hear JessF thinking along the same path.

What do you think? Hopefully it doesn't irritate you but I just keep thinking I'd have liked it if someone told me at 23 to sit down and really think about where my passions lie.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Quercus and welcome to you JessF

I'lI reply to you tomorrow as im simply too tired at the moment. Non stop today and the whole week.

But im not too bad lately.

Thanks for your help

Take care 🙂

[HamSolo01]

Hey Quercus (still trying to figure out how to pronounce that by the way haha) and JessF!

In regards to that friend, I figured it was best to let it lie for a little bit. In the future something may occur but I'm not actively going to try to cause something. There is a respect there still. But I think, because he has moved on in life (as have i) it makes it difficult. It's weird. He's the same guy, but different... Makes no sense right? lol. In the end though, it's a friendship - so by its nature its not something that can be cultivated through too much action. Kind of like a plant... you can trim it, and water it... but you can't actively make it grow in front of you.

I believe you are onto something when you say "Because I think I'm worthless and inferior. Self esteem at 0%. I pretend beautifully and noone seems to notice but I know how I feel." I think this is a common theme. I guess I ask myself the question at times, "do i KNOW this or do i THINK this?" There is a big difference between thinking and knowing something. You may think you are worthless... but that doesn't make it true. What you know is that you have a problem with regard to having little to no self worth. I do too. I think we can't risk entertaining the notion that we are undeserving. We are. That's it. No need to question it. If we must question it, then it has to be done in a good, safe way. I'm yet to figure that out though so your guess is as good as mine.

In regards to your question about closing my eyes and visualising? I think if I won the lotto and money was no problem I would go to EVERY country on earth. I'd take something of sentimental value from it and place it on a shelf in a room I would've added with the same money (let's say its 50million haha). The closest thing I can get to that? Travelling. Be it for recreation or work I have no preference. The advantage is that I am open-minded. It's just a matter of researching what I can do with my degree. Which is hard when I have all these assignments to do and money problems.. I saw something the other day that was open to graduate allowing you to travel and work which would be cool.I think I have to work in days and weeks though. Not years and decades.

I plan on going out this evening too, told a friend that I needed help with introducing myself and making new friends. This is a potential solution I guess.

Take care and thanks again.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Hopefully you're out enjoying yourself (good for you for asking your friend for help)!

Yeah I wish I had ideas about self esteem. You're right when you say we just need to accept we are worth it (but my brain doesn't seem wired to accept that). Oh well small steps, small reminders and maybe a bit of help from loved ones and keep trying hey?

Hmmm travel. Ok. I can work with that. You have a degree so that opens up a lot of government departments and graduate positions. Yep I hear you groan and know you weren't keen but hear me out. I'm a public servant. In my department there are jobs advertised regularly asking for people to apply for overseas roles. Many govt departments offer similar. So it's worth looking into.

Then there is English teaching. Highly in demand in many countries! You tutor so there is some work experience. I'm not sure what extra study you'd need to complete but again worth looking into.

If you don't want to use your degree you could try jobs with cruise ships. Or bartending. Loads of people work abroad after uni so employers don't usually look down on work like this because you have kept employment of some sort.

I'm drawing a blank on your degree (remember it's humanities but detail escapes me). Is it something that the army or navy would or could use? One of the girls from my work left to become a Navy communications technician and she loves it.

There are ways to work and travel you've just got to be a bit creative about it. What do you think?

As for your friend I'm glad you haven't given up on him.

Enjoy your weekend 😊