I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

hey James. Thanks for replying mate.

In the past couple of days I took a hit for the worst. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and we are approaching this whole thing differently.

Simply put, he made the point that I am pressuring myself to do stuff far more quickly than what I thought I could. When this approach fails, it feeds back into the loop that was there before (the "i am not good enough", "I have limited time", "I have wasted my life" etc).

He said it was good I didn't go to hospital and avoided ending up there. This doesn't help. What does help is changing the approach etc.

It was a good appointment. I see him again in the morning and then maybe someone else next week.

So it's not entirely hopeless or lost now.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Glad the psych could help even slightly. It's ok to fall in a heap and to feel hopeless and exhausted sometimes.

Just want you to know people are reading and do care (thank goodness for James being able to reply).

Speaking from my position (being also in a hopeless heap at the moment) it helps to tell the internal critic to just back the f off and give you a break! You are putting pressure on yourself again but compared to old posts the change is evident.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Nat. Thanks for dropping in.

I agree with you. The internal critic can be a nuisance.

I saw the psychiatrist and psychologist today.

He asked me one thing to take away from todays session: that I have progressed.

As you pointed out. Maybe I should rest on this for a while.

I can refocus my attention to things in the new week I hope.

Anyways. Thanks for checking in.

How are you going?

[HamSolo01]

And just like that I feel like I'm back where I was 2 years ago...

Today I received some news that a close mate of mine has finally "done the deed" as it were. For a while there I really stopped caring about all this stuff. I was on an even keel and doing okay. Then things sort of went south a few months back and then tonight they've really gone down hill.

My whole plans have failed and I'm sexless and cashless right now. I have managed to get a casual job for the next few weeks. But I'm just seeing that as a means to an end. Not permanent or worthwhile. Idk..... I feel terrible atm.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable right now.

What you wrote reminded me of the feeling I have gotten sometimes when others experience something exciting or new or special. New job. Newborn baby. New trip around the world. New award. I feel left behind and useless and like my life is pointless.

Your friend most likely didn't share this with you to make you feel crap but it is a reaction you're not alone in feeling. More importantly it will pass in time.

Ok so you have short term work... That means you have time and income while you look for work. That is worthwhile.

Money makes life easier I agree but it is still possible to get out and meet people without cash.

Please try to give yourself a break. You don't have to live up to other's standards and expectations... Just your own.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Nat. Thanks for jumping in. :)

I had a chat to my friend and it sounded pretty much like it sort of "just happened" because of the circumstances they are in.

I am actually pretty happy for him. But at the end of the day there's more to life and I know that.

I spoke to him about my confidence basically plummeting. Again I'm not going out anywhere tonight because I don't have the emotional strength to do it. Does that make sense? It's been a rough and ready two weeks already. Since the whole overseas plan changed and such.

This small casual job is related to my field of study so that's a plus.

I think yesterday I just realised more than simply "being a virgin". Like that's not the issue. It's deeper than this.

Im the type of person who needs to attach confidence to things I have succeeded at and things I've progressed with. There is a good deal of that over the past couple of years.

Starting this casual thing should put me a good position to feel a bit better about myself.

So it's okay-ish atm I guess.

[HamSolo01]

I mean I have basically become a different person altogether now.

The past few years have taught me this.

Far more capable than I thought and used to believe and far more worthwhile than I never thought.

It's not that this news from my friend effects me in anyway negatively. It's just that it brings up some stuff that's always been hard for me to deal with.

I guess this is worth bringing up with my psychologist next time I see him.

I managed to avoid hospital last month which is good. I also travelled to the USA and went to the first part of my course in Poland. I also completed my course and finally got my degree awarded. I have made new friends through meetup. I have support and I'm making progress. THAT is what I can base my confidence on.

Eyes are useless when the mind is blind

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

I think you have progressed a lot since you first joined the forums. It is good to see that you can remind yourself of what you have achieved and changed and experienced.

I believe most people have a subject that makes them feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. People can mean well or just want to share and we end up triggered and feeling miserable.

It is good that you are able to be happy for your friend and also that you can pinpoint things you need to talk to your psych about. It seems like a much healthier mindset overall and I do wish I had the same self awareness.

Its ok to be too overwhelmed to go out. Sometimes we are so bloody hard on ourselves huh. There is nothing wrong than wanting time out alone.

Please take care of yourself ok.

[HamSolo01]

Agreed Nat. And thanks. I've missed your wise counsel 🙂

The good old Orange Dingo-Fox haha.

Sometimes we really are so hard on ourselves.

You know I believe that there is a reason why certain issues can take on greater relevance for our individual lives than others.

This issue of intimacy (because that's what it actually is) is one such thing for me. Exactly like you said.

I genuinely think that I am in the latter stages of the negatives of my mental health. I'm not saying I am cured because that's a bit too obtuse for something so broad. I just think I manage things better.

I am actually unsure if I have spoken about religion and the church environment that I used to be in. But this issue of sex and intimacy always came up given that the age I was at when I attended church was right in the middle of puberty. So not only do people see changes happening to them, they see themselves in certain ways which are different.

Maybe a lot of the reason I have taken "the high road" as it were to sex and intimacy is due to this. I'm talking subconscious thoughts and responses to certain things.

I mentioned, I think, that I went on a few dates last year and learned a great deal about myself. That was progress in itself. Before that? Very little.

[HamSolo01]

I believe that "something" like a soul exists. And for a good deal of my younger days as an adolescent I was tormented by a negative experience with religion.

So perhaps it is time to revisit these things with my psych. Do some trauma based work or similar. We did this in relation to work and employment and I already feel a bit better about that area of my life.

I won't see my psych for a little while... About three weeks. But I think this might be a good amount of time to wrestle with this intimacy and sex issue in a new way. In a healthy way.

Self torment is terrible and I am guilty of that. But perhaps I need to revivify my entire approach to the intimacy and sex issue.

We are complex beings and I believe that problems exist that are comorbid. I heard this term this morning and I like it. There are comorbid issues for me in this entire area.

But rather than have that negativity towards myself in the area of intimacy it is better perhaps if I park the bus. Get to the core issues. Write them down. Develop on them. In a healthy new way.