I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Good morning to you all thread

Just posting an update here today to say hi and let you know what's going on.

So I'm about 75% sure that as of February next year I will be teaching English in China. This is something I applied for a few months back and was half hearted about it but then I decided to take it seriously once i got offered the interview. So that's where I am at right now. Also, I've been working with a tutor company that is relevatively new to the industry, they do things online so that's going to be interesting. It's a very good company who've got their heads screwed on rather well - former teachers, tech whiz people, tutors etc. So I will be doing that til the end of the year.

I've also been working on my mental health story in relation to the charity I have started working with. That's going to be interesting too. Hoping that I can help people seek help through sharing my story.

I've been on a couple of dates too, so that's good. Sadly the most recent one didn't really go anywhere afterwards, but I think it was because the girl had just left a relationship and it might've been too soon. I never actually knew if that was the case, but I'm making an educated case based on what she told me about. Still, would've been nice to actually know for sure... But that's just part of the experience I suppose.

Hope you're all well and getting help you need

[james1]

Hello Mitch,

Nice to see you here again. it is good to hear from you.

Sounds like you are moving forward in quite a few parts of your life which is great to hear. Soemtimes there will be set-backs, but that is totally normal and you are doing really well!

James

[HamSolo01]

Hi everyone

Just an update on where things are at for me right now.

Well, I have decided to take the plunge into studying a TESOL - TEach English Speakers of Other Langauges. Then next year I will be going to China with a UK based company.

I think the timing is right on this one. I won't be leaving til next year so that gives me some good time to prepare and think about what I have to do in relation to my mental health beforehand. I'm not sure what the situation is re meds. But I think I might be okay by then.

I think it's good too because it'll give me the chance to travel and also live out of home for a while. I must admit that I'm starting to get a bit sick of life around here at the moment. That's not meant as a dig at my friends and family, but I am getting a bit tired of the same scenario. So it'll be good to change it up I think.

It does feel like I'm towards the end of my journey in mental health (the illness side of it anyway). I'm working with that charity and I've now shared my story two times in total in schools. I like the fact that people may be encouraged as a result.

There's some weird stuff in my family but I guess I just have to accept it for what it is. Can't remember if I said anything about it in the past but yeah it's weird. I don't care too much about that anymore though.

Anyway. It is what it is.

Hope you are all well.

[james1]

Hello Mitch,

Oh that sounds exciting to go overseas for teaching. Good on you for putting yourself out there!

I know what you mean about feeling like you're getting a bit sick of life at home. My sister is asking me whether I think she should leave home - I just keep telling her: do it until you can't do it anymore - you'll know when that time comes. I left (finally) at 25 but I was raring to go since probably about 20. I stayed for other people and it probably hurt my mental health a fair bit.

Anyway, nice to hear that you feel like you're in the back end of your mental illness journey. At least in text form, you seem to feel a lot less stressed and more accepting of your circumstances.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hi thread

I'm just going to leave this here.

I feel like
I've hit a crossroads tonight. I'm actually very puzzled and concerned.
Not for my welfare - because that's watertight, but concerned about my
chart and path in my life.

I do feel like I am amounting to
nothing. I keep thinking about what the point of getting all this
psychological help is if I don't actually live an enjoyable life and
make the most of all the opportunities before me.

What's the
point of getting help if I spend the majority of my waking hours
aimlessly wondering about without any longer term commitments about
entering the housing market, raising a family and stabilising my life.

I
turn 25 next week. What the hell is that? Where have all my years and
time gone. I'm beginning to fell VERY resentful and angry at myself.

I
can acknowledge that I'm in a better place than where I was, but so
what? No point just saying "I'm better than I was" if I don't keep going
forward.

I'm not even passionate about TESOL. I feel like I'm doing it just to get a proper job.

I'm not sure I know anything now.

I'm sorry

[james1]

Hello,

Thanks for letting us know what is happening. It sounds like you've hit a bit of a wall in your path to figuring out where you want to go.

I am not 100% clear on what has been happening recently, and if you don't mind, I'd really like to hear how you have been feeling. But perhaps I can share my own experiences with the thoughts you've put down here.

For a while, I also was similar to you when you first joined in terms of just feeling really terrible about myself. At the time, I'd just lost a 4.5 year relationship, I was ditching my study and my career was on hold. As far as I was concerned, I was going down down down. This was from a mental health perspective, not just from a career/future perspective.

After a bit of therapy and talking to friends, I let go of that and focussed on the small things, just like you have been doing. I even started going on some dates like you, and got a couple of small plans put in place.

The trouble I found, just like you now, was that every now and then, I'd feel like it amounted to nothing. These small goals I'd put in place seemed meaningless in the whole scheme of things, and suddenly it felt like they were all just pointless lies to get me to engage with the world.

I am not sure if that is quite how you feel right now, so it'd be wonderful to hear back from you.

Anyway, that path wound up for me by going back to the questions I'd been asking before but which perhaps I was in too negative a frame of mind to really think about. For example, do long term plans really matter? Can I get enjoyment in the journey and not just the end?

To give you an example, I am currently working in a finance job I do not love. I am very far from my dream job of being an author, and I have no plans to get there. Still, my job pays and I save that money for holidays and motorcycles and just for future use when, hopefully, I gather the courage to quit and go into writing.

The last thing is you mentioned making the most of all the opportunities before you. I studied economics and the basic idea of that is that we have limited resources. For decision making, one of these is time. Another is mental energy. Sometimes when we are in a better place, we look back and go, damn I sure wasted a lot of time then. But we forget that, back then, we had a lot less mental energy and, actually, we made the most of our limited resources.

You've done nothing wrong mate. You said you are in a better place than before, and that's actually amazing.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey james

I wrote a reply last night but I think the internet carked itself before it had a chance to be posted -_-

I'll reply at le gth in due course though mate

[james1]

Lol, that sucks.

Thanks, in your own time of course. I don't respond over weekends because, well, being stuck in my head is just asking for trouble!

[HamSolo01]

Hey. Thanks for sticking with this.

I've had a think about things and where I am up to. I turned 25 yesterday and in the lead up the penny was kinda dropping. I really have to sort it out.

I was thinking in the arvo yesterday about what exactly it is that I need to do. What do I need to do in order to improve things.

My psych appt on Wednesday was good for that. What I need is balance. Balance between the aims and goals I have and also the practical ways in which I can get there.

So my first priority is to finish TESOL. Get all of that out my way.
The second priority is to find something related to my degree.
This will be hard because I have narrow it down. But that doesn't make it impossible.

The Other thing bugging me atm is the sense of how fast everything is going. If I'm honest sometimes I just want to curl up and hide from the world. I'm happy to play video games rather than face my problems sometimes, but not all the time. I can see where I was at the start of 2018 and how changing my attitude and focus helped a lot. I guess it's just a case of doing that again.

More like the craziness I read about and the craziness I see sometimes in people is what bugs me. I found that the walk I went on the other day was really good. Closer to nature made it feel better.

I've also decided to start reading 12 rules again. Just to refresh my memory.

I feel sad still. Can't pin it down. Best not to dwell on that bit I should think.

[james1]

Hello mitch,

happy birthday for last Thursday!

How have you been since then?

I have found that I've also retreated somewhat from the world. Not so much in a physical sense, but more in terms of letting go of responsibility. The less we let these issues get to us personally, the more time and mental space we have to focus on things that we really are responsible for: our health, happiness and general well-being. I also found that nature helps to bring us back to our core self as well.

It's really good that you're trying to set all these goals for yourself and it sounds like they can help you to get where you want to be. I just thought I'd also add that the way you talk about them make them seem like they are obstacles and things that you actively don't want to do. You mentioned feeling sad, so I just wonder whether it is in part because of these things like the TESOL and narrowing down your job list.

One of the things that they keep making us do at work are "development plans" where we actively put together goals and things to get to whatever we aspire to be. I am sure it works to accelerate where we want to get to, but I do wonder whether it also sometimes accelerates our unhappiness by putting the emphasis on an end goal, rather than appreciating the learning process and randomness that general life brings. Still, I know that system works for many people at my workplace, but it's just not for me.

James