I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[james1]

Hey mitch,

From what you've said, it sounds like you've settled into a more comfortable upwards trajectory. I think a huge pat on the back is in order 🙂

Sometimes when we hit that "aha" moment about needing to get better, we throw our entire selves into "getting better". But we forget to live a bit, and the crashes are super hard.

Instead, taking things day by day, as you have said, is the way to go. Rather than going to the gym 3 times a day, 7 days a week, just set a goal of 3 days a week. Maintain that, and build when it feels natural to build.

Routines are super important to recovery so that your body and mind can feel like their day-to-day is stable and any excess energy can be spent managing the mini-crashes.

Awesome hearing from you.

Keep it up!

James

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Like James and Jay both said I like this frame of mind you seem to be in. In my view it seems healthy. Realistic.

James made a good point about throwing yourself into therapy and crashing (I'm pretty sure that's where I'm at... Tired and pickinh myself back up and trying again). Hope you don't mind if I copy your attitude... Focus on the present moment and take it day by day.

I wanted to ask what do you find helpful about the group therapy? I just paid for a 6 week group therapy class dealing with moving forward. Nervous. Not really sure what to expect. Can you give me some ideas? What do you do to make the most of your sessions?

Hoping you are taking care of yourself... And most of all finding things that make you feel good.

Nat

[HamSolo01]

Hey everyone.

Thanks for your continued support.

I guess being realistic is essential. It's also something I'm good at too. I've always been like that.

Group therapy is good for me nat because it gives a different take on how to deal with my illness. Also how to see others that deal with similar. I actually go to a group for depression which is weekly and then for anxiety which is monthly. They are trying to do social events too i believe.

I guess just have an open mind and remember its not a competition between everyone. They will probs set out ground rules too.

Righg now im at one of my favourite cafes near uni just chilling out. Catching up with a friend in 30mins as well. I guess the last week i have been treating each day separately.

I am in a period of transitioning from uni so i am trying my best to distance myself from a rigid definition of 'student'.

I guess im just doing what i can for now and the 4 or so weeks left of uni.

I think graduating will be cool. Turns out the ceremony wont be until next year.. typical. Oh well. I still finish at tue emd of thyear though so that doesnt change.

I know i will return to my spot to write a bit more of that story i am doing in the next couple of weeks. I doubt i will "finish" it because its more like a compilation of scenes. Scenes that i wanted to write while at the uni. I can write the rest of it whenever i want that way. Theres just something about this period of ,y life that i want to immortalise in writing. I still find it hard to believe i ended up at this uni 🙂

Whatever is next in my life i guess i will be fine but its just a case of managing my MH.

For now, back to chilling 🙂

[Quercus]

Thanks Mitch,

That does help actually. I like how you mentioned competition. I'm not remotely competitive so it really weirds me out how people can even turn mental illness into a competition. "You went through this? Ah well that's nothing... This happened to me....". I'll keep an open mind. Maybe just listen to what others have to say. Thanks.

You sound peaceful. It's nice and comes through in your writing. I hope you enjoy your cuppa with a friend and relaxing.

4 weeks left. That is awesome. Congratulations in advance. I didn't go to my graduation. Kind of wish I did because it is a big achievement. Good on you!

Anyway I'll leave you to enjoy your day. This mood of yours is infectious 😊. Maybe you could write while you feel happy. Have you seen Croix's thread "store your happy memories here"?

Nat

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Thank you for the update and another positive post and your outlook has most definitely changed for the better which is great. The group therapy sessions sound quite good, may I ask how did you find them, were they recommend to you or just a simply google search? They sound quite interesting and may be able to help me as well.

Graduation, that is awesome and I am glad you are seeing it as a cool thing because it is and university is not easy to graduate from so hold you head up super high and be damn proud of what you have achieved because it is a great milestone in your life and one be proud of.

Glad you will keep on writing, doesn't matter if it never finishes, it's your story so you can keep it going for as long as you want.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

i have to be honest

i hate friday and saturday nights

i also feel like the attempts at being positive are fake... just that i shouldn't be happy or proud of myself because i am in a bad position... i know i set high standards but i can't help but wonder if wanting to be independent is a 'high standard'... I'm sick of being alone and I know how stupid that sounds. I just want to know what to do with my life and I'm worried about my safety (in the sense that I might end up homeless or something because I ruin my life's chances). I'm sick of seeing people around me find happiness and love and I'm still where I was 5 years ago. All I will get is a degree at the end of the year.

I don't even know what I want in life. All this time I've been idly going by and I hate myself for it. I thought I was doing okay, and I know I have made attempts at things in life but I still can't see any light.

I know my family loves me but I just can't see hope. When I can't see hope I don't try. I don't try then I fail at my life.

I can't handle weekends anymore. I can't handle TV. I can't handle social media. I can't handle radio. I can't handle music. I can't handle people's mundane crap. I just want people to love and respect me. I want to be able to whisper sweet nothings in the ear of a girl who feels the same about me... why can everyone else do it and I can't? What's so wrong about me? Am I ugly? Am I weird? Am I too tall like people say?

I feel like a panzy at times too. I just want to man up and stop being pushed by the world. I want to do my own thing in my life and sort it out but I can't because of this bloody mental health crap. It's been so long that I've gone on a date. The amount of good looking girls I've seen and I just get upset at myself for not being able to approach them. I might as well give up and face the music. I'm going to be stuck at home for the rest of my life. There is no point contacting the helplines/call services because they don't take me seriously. No one on those things does. They always think I must be okay because I am studying at uni and 'work'. I have no money. I have no career prospects. I am sick of being this loser, asshole who can't sort his life out. I'm the laughing stock of everyone. It's why people have abandoned me...

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I see you are having a bit of a rough weekend, is it simply just the weekend that triggered it or was it something else that happened, I know staying positive can feel as if it fake, you said however that after this whole year all you will have is a degree, I don't know why you are not more proud of this achievement, having a degree is not easy, I could never do the study to get a degree and I have a good amount of respect for people who stick through it and get one because it isn't as easy as people make it out to be. I think the fact you achieved something is the main thing here and hopefully are proud of it.

May I ask, do you ever discuss these feelings of not finding someone with your support groups and counsellors? Do they talk about it with you much? It sucks that people just assume you're ok because you study and work when in reality you need the same amount of help as someone who isn't. I know getting up and speaking to a girl is all about self confidence and I never ever had it so I cannot say how easy it is because I would still not know what to say to this day but if you can somehow build it then it will help but I think most of it is finding people who have the same interests as you which just gives a starting point to talk about stuff. I know it's a lot easier said than done however.

Just want to point out that you are not a laughing stock here at all.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Sorry to hear you're feeling low at the moment.

Personally, I think a lot of the things you're feeling are so normal.

• Doubting yourself.
• Feeling alone.
• Wanting affection and someone to care for.
• Feeling like a failure.

Doesn't everyone feel like that? I know all of these feelings. So no I'm not laughing...because feeling like this is horrible.

Another member pulled me up once and said not everything is related to MI. This helped me and I wondered if it will help you too.

I think it's easy on a low day to feel my therapy/meds are useless and I'm back at square one. But you're not. Because not all of the things you talk about are caused solely by MI.

You're sick of being lonely. That is understandable. Yes your MI and social anxiety have a huge impact on your isolation but they don't restrict you from trying.

So when is the last time you asked someone out? Like it or not it's still mostly expected that the bloke does the asking. Have you tried?

You're not a pansy. Or any of the other put downs you said. Tall is awesome. This is you putting yourself down so you give up. Making yourself feel worthless so you stop trying.

Saying "I can't" because of my MI is not fair on yourself. You are able to talk to people when you push yourself. You're creative and smart. Just like everyone else you have positive features.

Yes you're anxious... So what? Embrace it. My hubby told me once why are you so worried about what everyone else thinks... Letting go is liberating. He's right. It is difficult to accept who I am. But I'm trying. And it feels good to stop caring. We are all messed up. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

I spoke to my cousin today about his tattoo. Usually I'd be polite. But today I didn't feel like it. So I told him about my plan since uni for full sleeves and full back tattoo. Blackwork. The artist I'd picked. How hubby was horrifed to hear my plan and so relieved when I was told by my specialist no tattoos... you won't heal. Bye bye dream. Hello happy husband. How I regret waiting.

He and my uncle laughed like mad and looked at me like they'd never seen me before. What? She actually has a personality? It was nice. I'm weird. They like me anyway. How strange. Apparently foot in mouth is funny.

My point... You're ok as you are. Give up the high standards you set yourself and let people know you. Find activities you find fun where you get to meet interesting people and talk.

What do you think?

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Just checking how you are feeling. What is on this week in terms of self care? Psychiatrist? Group therapy?

I really hope the worst of the low has passed. Just a thought if Fri and Sat are always an issue what about planning in advance. Take a night class. Hit the gym. Join a sport team. It doesn't matter what. Just have the plans in place to help yourself through the weekend.

Nat

[HamSolo01]

Hey Nat

Thanks for checking in.

So far I've been okay I guess.

This evening I'm feeling rather depressed. It's seeming that it is directly related to the 'what am i doing with my life' question. It more often than not is. It's also why I start thinking about how I am 'wasting my youth'.

I missed group therapy this week because i had a careers info night for people who do arts degrees. Went with a friend and it was helpful. I am still regretting knocking back the govt internship subject i could've done at the start of the year. I knocked it back because of my mental health at the time, but I am beginning to feel like I use my mental health as an excuse. Almost as if I think I can't handle something. But then again hindsight is a b***h I suppose. There is nothing good to come from worrying about that stuff. I am where I am now and that is that.

I woke up this morning in the middle of a deep sleep and I've been feeling it all day. I nearly came home in the middle of the day due to feeling tired and depressed but I guess I stuck it out a bit. Ended up at the same cafe again. Spent time there then just had my class in the afternoon.

I have the assessment centre on the 25th and I'm looking forward to it. But I really need to come up with another plan in case that one doesn't work. That's kind of hard to come to terms with. I think it would be a really cool opportunity. Great timing as well. But I really need to shatter the blind optimism... or else i will get really depressed

I guess that means I need to implement a steady plan for the future. Got in touch in with an old colleague from a social enterprise and have a couple of things organised there. Not much yet. I guess it's progress though.

I have plans (somewhat) for this weekend. So that's kinda nice. I was apprehensive at first to go but i guess it's progress really. EVen if it is with someone who lied about my mental health to someone... guess it's part of growing up. I find if I just own things it's made easier. My social anxiety is more or less how i feel i am perceived.

hope you are well nat