I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

well i didnt get the job...

didnt even feel like i got a chance to rehearse when i was there...

Hate my anxiety and depression... idk why i bother with anything really..

Now i have to go to a networking event while depressed..

you know what im sick of? trying. I been doing it enough. I'm sick of it.

I'm going to end up failing horribly...

I coulda done that job too.. i was ready for it.. actually enthusiastic..

probably because of my age or something..

now its just stressful and annoying.. i dunno why i bother in all honesty... no one takes me seriously and i just keep failing at everything...

its only 1 job i failed at getting but its just depressing because it keeps happening.. then everyoe thinks i must be fine..

THIS is what depression and anxiety have done...

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

I'm sorry to hear about the job. I'm not going to irritate you by saying just keep trying cos I'm in a hole today too and it is shit.

Personally I'd say stuff the networking and go ask a mate to see a movie with you. Or challenge your Dad to shots or something (don't laugh I did that and failed miserably).Take the night off and just ignore work for a while.

Maybe this isn't helpful to you but thats my plan tonight anyway. Surprise hubby with a nice dinner I'm cooking, put the kids to bed and then relax. Maybe a movie. Maybe a run and bath. Nothing but stuff for me.

Take care of yourself tonight work will wait.

[HamSolo01]

hey quercus

thanks for you suggestions

im just really fed up at myself and im going nowhere....

i wish i had the confidence people expected me to have and im sick of feeling like a dork that people think i clearly am... all this built up frustration comes from not being able to progress in my career life, social life and financial life - i know i have the potential to but it's just not working.. and i really can't be bothered trying anymore.

I'm basically done. Age has nothing to do with it. I'm afraid the horse has bolted and that's all there is with me. I'll just be some single loser dork for the rest of my life and then I'm done forever.

Tonight was a CLASSIC opportunity to network and i just couldn't do it. I hate having potential to do things with my life and get places but not having the ability to do anything about it due to my anxieties and depression. All these psychologists are useless.

I made myself an early grey tea and then I'm going to bed after this.

I posted up on SANE forums too (same username I use here) if you want further information... these two forums are better than any bullcrap the psychologists tell me about... to think i even sacrificed going to the group therapy this evening to go to that stupid careers thing... it woulda been worth it had i actually tried to network..

I'm sick of seeing couples embracing in the streets, I'm sick of seeing people be happy... I'm not happy and I'm not liking anything and it's bringing those around me down.. it's why I've been excluded... because people are shallow... I hate all this stuff... I try to do stuff and nothing happens... everyone just mouths platitudes and i've had enough.

Time to become a recluse.

I have no money (200 bucks) and I do lousy tutoring. I also 'study' part time.

My psychologists are wasting their time and my folks are wasting their money.

I'm sick of posting on here. Soaking up tragedy..

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I have just caught up on all your posts from the past few days and will just speak based off your last one. It seems in life that the hardest people on us, are ourselves. We feel there is this outside pressure to live up too that we almost double the pressure and put it on ourselves and pretty much say we must live up to it or else we are deemed a failure. I know you got rejected from the job and I know it sucks, I have been there as well, you almost talk yourself into the fact you will get the job because you know deep down you are the perfect candidate for it but then they take the wind out from under you and say you were not successful, I was at the same point you were at in my early 20's as well so I can understand the feelings you have and almost feeling like no understands but believe me, I do. I don't have the magic piece of advice for you that doesn't sound cliché but you have to keep going and keep pushing on and keep applying for jobs you like.

I don't think the psychologist are wasting their time, you have done so well with seeing them and have come a long way in your recovery weather you think it or not. These set backs like not getting that job or not getting a date with someone.. that's apart of growth, I am trying my best not to be cliché but it is quite hard. Think of it this way, you got the interview which some people don't even get that opportunity, that is a learning curve for you, yes it wasn't successful but you earned some interview experience and that is quite valuable for future job considerations, sometimes asking the interviewer why your were not successful is a good idea. I remember my first job interview, I arrived with a tie that wasn't done properly and my top button not done up, the interviewer said I was too young and that I needed to present better. I took that advice into every job interview I have had since and I believe it has helped.

We are always here to help you and give advice so please keep posting.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Wow your last post struck home. Just today I wrote a post which was just as angry and tired and frustrated and hopeless and over it. What do you have in place to manage your anger? Have you spoken to the psych (I'm with Jay please give them a chance) about this?

Right well I'm just going to say this. It's not nice but it needs to be said. I don't think people leave you out because they think you're a dork HamSolo01 (you're not a dork), I think they are intimidated. When you're angry like this it is uncomfortable to be around because you lash out and knowing what to say without upsetting you is difficult. My psychiatrist said when I lash out it's not a conscious action but I stop people from helping me by doing this. Read your last post HamSolo01 are you able to see how aggressive it could be seen?

When I get like this my plan is manage the anger and stuff everything else. How are you supposed to see any positives or accept support if you are raging at the world? Your anger is a valid feeling. But not helpful to you. All it does is push people away (self sabotage).

I find writing is good when I'm mildly angry but not enough when I feel rage. Rage needs a physicaI outlet for me. I run on the crosstrainer every evening just to regularly burn off some steam but if I'm angry I run for as long as I need to. I find meditation etc makes me angrier when I'm like this so action is needed. Do you have a technique that works for you?

I hope you feel a little better after some sleep. Please take care of yourself HamSolo01 and keep writing if you feel able.

[HamSolo01]

i only ever get angry on here in writing or at home and i always end up crying... like last night

none of my "friends" see me angry and im only ever angry at myself not anyone else.. i just get really upset with myself for driving people away..

i repress it because it will drive peiple away otherwise.. but they leave anyway so it makes no difference

im annoyed i didnt get the job because i dont think they got a chance to see me practice and it woulda been good to do to help my self esteem.. meet new workmates.. im alone in life and work so clearly i deserve to be that way... god i hate my depression and anxiety..

im exhausted and sick of fake it til i make it... ive been faking it for 5 years and made it nowhere

all my other posts are dead to me now.. all that positivity was useless..

i am a dork and its clear.. i hate everything about me and i try to change it but its useless..

simply do not care anymore..

i have a class today then was planning on catching up with a friend but im not doing that now because im too upset and i have to save money.

Can you believe that? i have to avoid lunch with someone because i cant keep spending money.

Im in a great situation aren't i?

[HamSolo01]

i really dont care about anything

[HamSolo01]

I hate myself and i feel like crying... i cant because i dont care...

Im not going to hospital because they just tell me i dont need to be there..

Specialists are useless wankers. Medication is useless on me.

I hate religion for this..

I'm going to wait til the end of the year and if nothing comes of grad offers then thats me.

Joining the dole queue to be scorned at by society.

Im sick of shallow positivity and stupidity.

Im sick of looking at everyone else and seeing how they are happy.

I am truly going nowhere despite the facade i put on.

Just want to fall asleep and never wake up

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Mitch. Deep deep breaths. You can get through this.

If you're not going to go to the hospital then you need to get on the phone with your psychiatrist and make an appointment. Yes you think the psychiatrist is useless but give them a go please. Yes it's a neverending cycle of shit but it takes trial and error to find something that helps you. That might not even be more medication. Maybe a different type of therapy?

Right. Now onto the "facade" you spoke about. I do this. Call it masks though. Psychiatrist said noone can help you if you don't show how you feel. He said I'm so worried about people leaving me that I carry on the performance. Bury my frustrations until they either explode because I've reached my limit or manifest as dark thoughts and hopelessness because I have too much hidden rage at myself to cope with anymore. The anger is scary yes and pushes people away but it is healthier to learn to manage it than to just bury and try to hide it.

Yes people will only tolerate what they are able to but the benefit of allowing people to see you for yourself warts and all is that the people who remain in your life and the new people who come into it are worth keeping. I have found people in my life are surprised by the anger I have previously hidden but they are pleased that I'm committed to managing it rather than hiding it.

So I ask again.... You are currently in a pit of self hate and anger and helplessness and hopelessness but what are you doing to help yourself?? Forget about money and work and sex and religion for a moment this is about your survival. If you want to live this rage and self hate has to be managed. So how are you going to do it? What can you do right now to help yourself? What helps you to calm down? Exercise? Sleep? Meditation? Deep breathing? Crying? Mindfullness apps? All of these? Then do it. At my worst moments the temptation to end things is not about me not wanting to live it's about me wanting my brain to just stop. To just stop thinking and worrying and raging.

I am worried about you. I'll be out today with the kids but will check on you later on ok.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

My reply is in moderation but I want you to know I have seen your posts and am worried about you. Please take care of yourself!