I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Apologies about my delay in-between posts, I haven't been on the forums for a couple of days. Your last few posts have been amazing, and you truly have come a long way so in that I say congratulation... every step forward is a great step.. I enjoy how you are working things out and seeing that what you are going through almost doesn't define you.. your future choices will help to define you, not the spot you are in now. I am sorry about not getting the grad position but you still had two more chances left if I read correctly and if they don't come through then keep researching and finding new ways to achieve your goals... like you said, life doesn't end at 23... it is all just beginning, you have so much in front of you and like I've said before, I wish when I was 23 that I had the vision and clarity you do.

The moving overseas thing is a great idea and one if you can do it, would be an awesome experience, I know a few people who have done it and some have stayed over there full time after getting their working visa's etc. It can really be a life changing experience and may that is something you need.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

More positivity and a hopeful outlook. That was lovely to read, thank you.

This topic keeps cropping up in your posts...

seeing the biblical counsellor at my school, telling him things that I shouldn't have really did not help. But I guess I was at an age where I was trying to figure things out and at that point in my life it was the answer

You said he didn't abuse you physically but whenever you talk about this is pretty clear whatever he said really affected and confused and upset you. Obviously it's your business what you choose to talk about but I wonder have you gone into depth and worked through with your psychiatrit what was said?

I found talking about my experiences very difficult at first but actually talking it through in detail has let me step back and

1. Examine what I actually felt at the time and why.

2. Look further into why I was vulnerable in the first place.

3. Separate the feelings attached to the memories from how I feel now when I think about it.

I know our situations are different but whenever I read your posts and see mention of this man it worries me that your response is similar to my own with the ex. I was so caught up in the hurt and pain he caused me that I was not able to see at all that there were other problems at play too. It was easier to just blame all of my issues on him but that didn't actually help me get any better.

What do you think about this?

The rest you talk about is great. I hope me discussing this doesn't bring you down that's not my intention.

Keep up with those baby steps. You're right you really are helping yourself 😊

[james1]

Hey mitch,

You're doing a lot of stuff at the moment to try and get back on track. I don't really have any suggestions because I think you're doing all you need to and anything more will just come naturally.

The biggest change I've seen from your first posts to now is that you're seem like you're feeling a little more empowered to take control of your life again.

It's tough, but you'll get there!

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey all

Was going to post up about how things are going relatively well but I've been hit by a spike of bad depression... not exactly sure what brought it on.. I think I need to maybe tie up some loose ends with people i dunno... two people have dropped off my radar and i've tried to reach out to them but they don't seem interested.. i always take those things personally.. maybe it's because I'm sick of feeling like I'm losing friends.. Feels like I will go nowhere.. Almost like there is an inevitability about it.. I'm very tired atm..

Wrote this up:

Rise we will

Rise we shall

Rise we can



Beyond that shadow

Beyond that darkness

Beyond that sorrow



Though my heart it aches

Though my soul its heavy

Though my mind is filled



Amongst the chaos

Amongst the angst

Amongst the pain

Amongst the sorrow



There is grit

There is peace

There is hope



Rest now in this

Let it take its place

Let it hit you

Let it break you



Rise you will

Stronger

Rise you shall

Greater

Rise you can

Hopeful



This too shall pass

Like all things



You know what you are

You feel otherwise



It’s okay



Rest now.

It feels a little fake tbh.. but it's just what came to my mind at the time..

I need to take a sleep I think.

Laters

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry for the delayed reply. Another little road trip.

How are you feeling? Did you manage to keep yourself busy until the low mood eased? I hope you're doing better today. Have you seen your psych? I wonder how are the new meds going?

Anyway I just wanted to check you're alright.

[HamSolo01]

hey

thought i would drop by and drop this in

Things are okay. Not great but not terrible.

I find that I'm getting angsty about stuff that hasnt even happened yet (eg: the new work thing im doing for two weeks). I dunno why i get nervous about it before its happened.. i think its because i attach my self worth to it. Strange I know but i find that this is what i do too often. Its silly really. I guess I'm learning to ditch part of it by implementing different thought patterns etc.

Another thing I have noticed is that in order to get through tough times i need to remember that i am worth it. Worth it in the sense that i deserve to be improving my life. Lately i have noticed it is difficult to see worth in things when i dont value myself enough.. a bit like running on empty. One such way i do this is to remember instances where I have had success in the past. Where things worked out, where i made someone laugh or i convinced someone of something. Moments where it was okay. I guess i only have several but this is because of my introverted nature. I like that about me though. I find it hard to make small talk. I can fake it easy, but i just dont get value out of it.

The relationships thing is a hollow ball of glass now.. i guess it was all along. It was a sign of a deeper issue - self worth. This is what i have worked on for a couple of months now. Ive seen some deep changes but its hard maintaining them.

I think i need to remember to look at things in the bigger picture. No job i get in the 6 months is permanent so its important to remember its not the end of my life lol.

Raised a bit of cash for the funrun today too. 11km was surprisingly easy. Might make it into a hobby lol.

Anyways. Life goes on.

Im starting group support this week. Different organisation to the one from last time. They told me they didnt have enough for a group yet but in their site it had started... liars. I reckon it is because of the suicide history i had. I guess they wanted a more controlled environment to work in. Found 2 groups this week i will be going to and find out more about.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Apologies for the delayed response also, haven't been on the forums for a couple of days.

I am with you in the fact I understand the feeling of getting angsty, it's quite annoying worry about upcoming things, I always wished there was a little switch I could flick and not worry about it.

I like the theme of your latest post, the self worth theme... knowing your self worth it a huge thing and not many people know it or understand it, myself included. I think once you know your worth then you know what is good for you and what isn't. You know where to spend your time and where not to spend your time. It's a good thing.

Again, I like the quote you wrote, look at things in the bigger picture, if we could all do these we may be in better places but understanding it is a great start. Awesome work on the fun run by the way, 11 km's is a lot so be proud of that.

Let us know how the group support goes, I'd be keen to hear some feedback on it as I have never done it before.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Congratulations on the fun run. That is fantastic. Totally agree that would be a great thing to do regularly. Forgive me I can't remember who you were raising the money for though can you remind me?

Your post hit close to home. Self worth. Arrgh. The thing I wish I had a clue how to repair or build! One thing I have learnt relates to this....

The relationships thing is a hollow ball of glass now.. i guess it was all along. It was a sign of a deeper issue - self worth. This is what i have worked on for a couple of months now. Ive seen some deep changes but its hard maintaining them.

Your self worth shouldn't be tied into or defined by a relationship. I struggle with this and it's unhealthy I think. My view of myself seems to ebb and flow with how my loved ones treat me. If my husband is affectionate and full of praise I feel good about myself. If he is critical and tired and grumpy I feel uneasy, like I'm not good enough. But the reality is how I feel about ME should not be defined by others. The only person who should decide how I feel about ME is me. I'm just not really sure how to fix this.

I like that you're aiming to improve your self worth just for you. That's really healthy I think. Have you been onto the thread.. Do you love yourself? It's very interesting actually.

Anyway hoping you keep taking those steps forward. I feel like your posts sound a lot stronger as time goes on. You sound like you're making progress with your self esteem actually.

Take care of yourself 😊

[HamSolo01]

afternoon

i feel rather depressed at the moment

but hey i guess thats the way it is..

just felt like making this small post to vent

off to tutor a student now

laters

[james1]

Hey mitch,

If you want to talk to us later, we'll be here.

Also, thanks and good work on letting us know you're feeling pretty down.

I used to struggle and vent big time but then found that, really, I just needed to know that someone cared. So then I just kept the vent texts to a minimal and it also helped me because I got used to just letting off steam a little at a time but more often, stopping any real big kaboom.

Hope tutoring is okay.

James