I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Thank you HamSolo01,

I'll write to your posts once I feel ok but I need time out today.

Just wanted to thank you for your poem. It is beautiful. You have a gift there you know.

Take care 😊

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

Yeah I remember soma from BNW, haha. To be honest, I never thought of medication as being soma-like. To me, soma is a much more extreme form. Have you ever seen/listened to Book of Mormon? There's a funny song in that called "Turn it off". That, to me, is more soma-like.

"We all have a universe in us" - I like that. You've got me thinking now!

James

[HamSolo01]

hey all

psych was good, gave me an opportunity to reflect on what was going on overall. I can confidently say that i have one new CORE BELIEF -that I am getting help and that I am on the right track. THAT is all that matters at this point. Nevermind everything else.

Today I met with a student and realised that I really need to get my ass into gear with pushing them towards their HSC. I've come up with a basic strategy to employ for all of them. Luckily they are smart so I don't need to worry about teaching them basics - god knows i would be under a lot of stress if they weren't.

I think I can confidently say that I will be done with tutoring after this year. Or I may not I really don't know haha.

Another thing I have noticed in relation to tutoring is that I recall once seeing a website that sold notes and helpful tips a student pointed out. What I realised is that I don't put enough effort in for the prices I charge. So rather then boost my prices I have decided to hit an optimum level of commitment. At the end of the day it is their HSC and I am only there to provide guidance. I could charge them a tonne to write essays for them but maybe I am more moral than that.

Another thing too that I have noticed is the ability for my thoughts to go into complex ideas over myself and how these develop into core beliefs.

An example: I always remember the colleges at uni. I don't know why but i always seem to think about how i 'missed' out on it. The reality is that I never had a chance in the first place, i was never presented with an opportunity to go there anyways... Nevertheless it still effects the way I see myself. Maybe this comes from being in the vicinity of them idk? and reading all the stuff too. Then i apply it in a weird way to my own reality and it morphs into a core belief. So as it turns out, I hold myself to a standard that simply doesn't even exist. I think this comes from a core belief of inadequacy i have in relation to myself - so i subconsciously seek a standard or norm that was never there in the first place. Weird how something I have no connection to in any official or real capacity (Apart from reading about the places) has an impact on me hey? But i guess it could go to the whole relationships and sex thing that keeps playing on my mind - because from what i read, those colleges are places where that happens. But then it could be the formative years stuff in relation to sex as well. See how it all mixes together?

Anyway still got more

[HamSolo01]

Anyway, today i applied for a job. Was VERY apprehensive at first but did it anyway. Told myself that there is no reason as to why i can't just apply then knock it back if need be. But I'll wait til that happens. The problem I had with it was that i applied for a job in the past one time and the same person who owned that business owned the one i applied for today - came up in history on my email. I saw this and remembered how useless the person was, that they didnt even go to the interview and didn't even reply when i told them my availability. But i figured i have more experience through more tutoring and the internship at uni so i thought why not just apply and see what happens. The inadequecy thing will kick in regardless, so i thought why not just apply. Worry about the next step when it comes by.

I have found that work anxiety also stems from how people will perceive me generally. I guess I have 2 options to go from that? Either I freeze up and act odd OR I embrace whatever task it is I am doing and just do the sh*t out of it. That way you make a good impression and it shows you know how to work. I have the socialisation aspect downpat I know for a fact (but im still effected by social anxiety). I guess that's life with MH though really. The trick is to learn how to manage with it, something I am in the process of doing.

At the moment I have some down time so i will spend it playing around a bit on pc, dinner, read my book, watch the cycling and then go to bed. Got a bunch of stuff tomorrow to do too so i will get on that as soon as i wake up and eat.

That's the other thing too. This thread is gonna become a diary too. Just as a form of venting. I find that it is a good method of therapy. Just blurt out whatever the heck is on my mind at that time in order to get rid of that stuff. Feel free to ask ANY questions on stuff I mention. I have found over the past 4 years that one thing i have found useful for my mental health journey is to have a second voice/voice on the side asking questions. I think this is because i am the type of person that operates like that - i always go in for a second opinion and such. So I guess I'm actually asking you to ask me questions about it lol

Anyways. Thanks again.

And yeh, Jay (can i call you that?) soma is probably a bad example haha.

Glad yous liked that poem too. There are more to come with it. Check out that movie too. I'll probs watch it again soon.

[Spearmint]

There seems to be a theme
that you have high expectations for yourself & life. It's great
to have goals & a marker towards what direction you want to go
in.
I also had grand plans.
When I became an adult, things didn't really work out most of the
time. Everything was difficult, it felt like all the doors were
closed. I felt so completely stuck. We grow up being told that we can
be, do & have everything we want. Only, we want & expect it
right away, all at once & easily. Adult life can be hard to
navigate. All of a sudden our plans are shoved to the side in order
to pay bills & we have many new responsibilities getting in the
way. Sometimes we don't want our old dreams anymore and we're left
feeling lost.



I spent my 20's undoing
all of my conditioning that came from family, friends, school,
religion & my own belief systems. I had so much inner crap &
I went through 4 bouts of deep depression. Like you I was angry,
frustrated, feeling stuck and hurting. I felt like my life was over
before it even really began.



It has taken me a long
time to figure out who I truly am. what I really want and to be in a
healthy enough head space to go get it. I am very different to who I
was at the beginning of adult life. I look back without regrets
because I can see how the trials have shaped me & made me into a
better person, for myself & others. I am now approaching 30 &
even though I have done almost none of what I have yet
intended, I am now finally really ready & I am stronger than I
ever thought I could possibly be. I don't see that time as being
wasted at all. At 30, assuming I live to an old age, I still have
tonnes of time & life left in me to do the things I want.
All the unnecessary crap &
people in my life that weren't really right for me have fallen away &
it has been painful but it's also been for the best.



Give yourself a bigger
time line for your goals, It doesn't happen all at once, your goals
aren't 2 minute noodles. Unless it's Friday night & your hungry..



Don't waste your time
comparing yourself to others, it's not a race & their lives
probably aren't as great as you think they are. With sites like
Facebook, you wouldn't believe how many people paint an amazing
picture of what their life is like when in reality it isn't nearly as
great as they make it out to be. Our lives & journeys are all
vastly different & we all live at a different pace. Also most
people fight battles you know nothing about.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Wow, I loved what you wrote in the first paragraph of your last post about your new core belief about realising you are getting the help you need and are on the right track to recovery. I feel like you need to write that down and look at is everyday if you can, print it off on Microsoft Word and stick it on your bedroom door, so you see it every time you leave the house.

The tutoring really seems to be something you enjoy as well. You never thought of becoming a teacher?

I agree with what you were saying about your thoughts manifesting and creating complex versions of yourself in your head that you fail to live up too. It is a very interesting concept to be honest. I think this is mental health to a tee however, it makes our minds do silly stuff.

I feel like down the track, we may see a motivational book written by yourself about overcoming mental health, with your poems as sort of a bonus in the book. You never know.

Quercus - I hope you are doing ok.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

I'm actually so over this.

I don't even have any words to describe what it feels like.

I just hate the fact I've gotten here.

I made this in about 30 seconds.

Wait

Until the darkly night it passes

Wait

Until the quake rolls its last

Wait

Until rain it dries

Wait

[BenignSky]

Hey, Mitch,

Can I make a suggestion..? It could be a stupid idea, or one you've already tried or had suggested to you, or maybe you just don't believe in these things, but I found it helped me a bit.

Have you ever had a 'self-love' day? I saw this thing where it went for a month, but I crammed as much as I could into one day. I did one yesterday. I had only two hours sleep or something ridiculous, but here's what I did.

I woke up early, and I took my time waking up. I stayed in bed, I cuddled my cow etc, then I got up and chilled downstairs with coffee for a bit. The weather was good yesterday, so I sat outside in the sun, forever waiting for my bus. I sat with my puppies too, and played with my cat. I stayed away from the television or phone etc. I listened to music on my trip, then when I got to the shopping centre, I bought presents for a friend, I visited a friend I'd been having trouble with, I bought myself coffee and lunch, I bought myself a new pair of shoes, I donated to charity and I spoke to someone new. I caught up with a friend after she finished work, I bought Jordan an elephant stuffed toy because two months ago was the first day I met him haha.

It made me feel better, taking some time for myself and helping other people. I like leaving little notes on buses and in cafes and books to leave my mark in the world.

I don't know..maybe it's something to try? Or maybe it's completely stupid.

Know that you are worth it, and you mean so much to me, just simply for being human and for helping me through everything.

I really hope you're okay.

[HamSolo01]

hey

yeh i've done similar in the past.

Tried to do it tonight but failed half way through because i just feel sad

It's really just beginning to become a massive burden on my life and i want it gone

there's so much regret, anxiety and self hate.

I just want to be normal

im not getting any younger and im sitting here at home on a saturday night feeling sad.... im just so over it

i dont know what to do anymore...

im just sick of meds, psychs, nutrition, exercise.. the works..

i mean we are already more than half way through the year and i have done nothing..

i feel like ive been on autopilot for so long

today was so average with the extended family.. hearing how everyone else is going..

just over it.... so over it..

[james1]

Hey mitch,

Any name works for me as long as it starts with a J, haha. Or, apparently, Penelope. That's a thing now.

The day with the extended family sounds like it was pretty tough and just exhausting to have to hear how others are doing when your story's kind of shut away.

Has your Sunday been any better?

I had to go for a run in the morning which I just managed to drag myself up in the cold for, then I had brunch, a nap, tutoring, way too much cake in the arvo, youtube and going to have to go drive to the airport to pick someone up soon.

Flat. Out.

James