I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Just wondering how you're going? What was the new psych like? Did you get anything helpful from your session? Any progress on the job hunt?

A thousand questions as usual just pick and ignore as you please haha.

Hope your last few days have been a bit better and you feel less stressed moving to part time study.

Take care 😊

[HamSolo01]

Hey

Ive been off for a few days but have been reading up on this forum still. Just havent had thetime to write out a decent reply.

The psych was good. I can tell already that it will be a good thing changing over, The first session is usually one of initial assessment things but i kinda threw a few curveballs out at the psych. To not only get my money's worth but also to get some help at the time. But in that single session i can tell she's very professional. Its also good that she was applying what she knew to my scenario, i realised how i needed to move on actually helped.

Reducing to part time has taken a weight off my shoulders. Literally haha, i carry less stuff in my bag now. But also figuratively because i have less to consider and think about. I applied for a position with a think tank that deals with international relations and politics over the weekend. Had to throw in a sample of my writing. Hopefully they like it. I figured now is the best time to start developing my own voice on these matters. Considering its a proverbial sh*tfight to get anywhere in this "industry" because its all about networking and experience and how many degrees you have and where youve studied overseas (if you have)... i figured my strength is in my argument and communication. I firmly believe this trumps a whirlwind of experience because the nature of this "industry" (communication and such) is about argument. How you make it and what you make it is more important. But anyway, ill see what happens. I find writing about stuff helps so its a strength i have. Thats why i love talking on here haha.

This week she will finish the assessment though so thatll be good.

Im applying for a couple of things too, volunteering though. Paid work is hard to get at this stage in life while im part time. Familiy friend has offered to help out with getting experience and im applying for a nsw govt role where you operate the international student helpdesk. That'd be cool i reckon. Good way to boost confidence and meet new people (and potentially solve that relationship quandry i have i guess haha?). And i gotta sign up for a network program with australian network on disabilities (check them out btw if you are ever i need of assistance with work)

So i guess things are better. This thread has helped me heaps and i wanna say thank you for your help. Im not going anywhere though because there will still be challenges ahead.

Peace 🙂

[james1]

Hey Hamsolo if you just google hyperbole and a half depression part two you'll find it on the first page 🙂 the drawings are hilarious.

Great to hear the psych session went well. It can sometimes be a bit of trial and error trying to find a psych who fits your personality and needs, but it's all part of the process of working on yourself anyway.

Also happy to hear about the applications you've put through! Nice work! I really want to join nsw treasury one day to eventually get through to federal treasury but that's a long term plan haha.

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

That is wonderful news all around! It was good to read your reply and see you back in a hopeful frame of mind.

The new psych sounds good. How do you find the female perspective compared to your male psych? Do you find her easier to talk to?

I'm really pleased you've lined up some volunteer work. I'm not going to go into the why or how but there are a few things that you may want to do before working at an airport...especially given your social anxiety. I find that being prepared helps to reduce the anxiety.

1. Go there before you start work and learn your way around. Find out where the taxi rank, toilets, first aid room, help desks, connecting buses etc all are. As a volunteer you will be asked every imaginable question by stressed out people. It helps if you are prepared or at least know where to direct people for help.

2. Find a quiet spot that you can go to if you feel overwhelmed. Airports are chaos. It is good to have a quiet and private spot to retreat to if you need it.

3. Save numbers in your phone of contacts that people might ask you for. Especially the airport emergency numbers. They should have these listed on their website.

I'm sure they will give you training but knowing your way around really does help you to feel more comfortable. I'm happy for you this sounds like a great way to meet people and to get comfortable talking to people. Can't wait to hear how you go.

Anyway I'm sorry if this sounds very disjointed I'm a bit of a mess lately but I really wanted to reply.

Hope things keep improving for you HamSolo01. 😊

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Great that you found the psych helpful and professional.. that can be one of the hardest things to find at times, a psych you connect with that not only challenges you but you can also challenge which is great that you are doing that. You seem to have so much direction with what and where you are going which is a huge step from where you were when you first got on these forums and that is called growth my friend and that is the best thing you can hope for when dealing with mental illnesses. Growth shows your strength is taking over and you a learning how to cope with added stress and pressure.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hey

today has been interesting..

dunno what it was but i felt terrible this evening and started thinking about relationships and sex again..

Ive begun to think im depressed because of this tbh. Going through high school i never had a female friend, my first one was in uni and its pretty much been that way since. As a result of this and also being very religious (to the point where i would talk about sex and morals in a christian context with the bibilical counsellor at school) i think this has formed some sort of frigid approach to life. Add to that my views on myself and what i have now is a virgin-inducing life.

I hate the fact that it effects me so much. I hate the fact that im a virgin and i hate religion.

I keep hearing about other's experiences and how they are enjoying themselves. And they arent making it up either. I keep thinking the longer i leave it the worse it will get. There is such a stigma over mental illness and a stigma over virginity i think and its worse for males.

Rationally speaking i xan make sense of it. But i must be honest and say i feel inadequate and feel like something is wrong with me.

Today a friend asked me how my dating life was and i was honest enough smto say i was working on myself but the thing is i feel like ive been working on myself for years to no avail. Plus depressed people can start up relationships no problem. i see it happen.

Never before have i felt so low, ashamed and disgusted with myself. Genuinely feels like ive screwed up and that the best opportunity (uni) is now gone.

I hate depression for everything its done but i hate it most of all for preventing me from developing healthy relationships with girls and being able to explore my sexuality... I dunno what to do.

[james1]

Hey mitch,

Sorry to hear that you're in a real rut about this.

Sometimes when we are depressed, whatever the cause, we start to reach for reasons to latch onto. Unfortunately it can have a negative effect of perpetuating that cycle, repeating the reason, believing it, and effectively making it true.

You've said: "I hate the fact that it effects me so much."

I can really relate to this. I know I shouldn't be affected by other people's views about me and about what they want, but it really puts me down.

But rather than feed that negative thought, I'm trying to work on acknowledging that it's there, saying to myself, "it's temporary," and then redirecting my thoughts or even directly challenging them.

So if we start by acknowledging your pain - which is very clearly tied into those words of your post, where to from here? Well, while it is crippling now, you will be able to learn how not to tie your happiness with your sex life. This is actually what you're starting to do already.

By working on yourself and trying to find a way to accept that you are not a stereotype, you are breaking that mental link between your value as a male person and your sexuality. We're only in our 20's and finding who we are can take a bloody long time, but you've been doing really well recently to try and refocus your life. You've shown a lot of empathy for others here, perhaps you can show that same patience and care for yourself?

I know it may not sound like much consolation, but I like reading your posts because I can see you fighting back against the bad mental habits and would love to see you succeed.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hi there James

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

the whole "heirachy of need" is what is bugging me most atm. Part of that is sex. People use it, so do many psychologists. It bugs me when i see sex as a need because its a reminder that im not getting all my needs fulfilled and alas there is a problem fundamentally linked to my psychological state.

I think to myself at times "sex to get happy or happiness to get sex" and i get demoralised and confused. I like how you can relate to me on a male to male level as well its always encouraging when i see other guys who have to go through this - lets me know im not the only one out there.

I have a hard time swallowing empty truths and pop culture generally. I feel like no amount of counselling, no amount of meds and no amount of psychology can change a societal reality. The reality is that people lose their virginity in their late teens and early 20s. Those who do not are either religious or have a set of core beliefs that they value.

Going from one extreme (religion) to where i am now (which is NOT the polar opposite) is also part of the problem. Constantly being told im sinful and deserve death made me believe that jesus christ was a supposed saviour for me. While most teenagers spent time developing their social lives, moving around friendship groups, doing whatever else it is that kids do i was too preoccupied with religion. It was a means to survive those years i think. It was an identity i had and it was secure. With that came notions of sexual morality. I firmly think all religion is wrong in the same way and as a result so are the core beleifs over what makes behaviour right and wrong.

However, i havent fully adopted the persona of a relentless rebel like many ex religious people do.

I dont want people's sympathy. I want to be bloody well heard and respected. The stigma around male virginity is about as bad as mental health i reckon. I can say that as a representative of both.

Im on my own in this and im sick of it. I figured today its a major trigger for suicidal ideation. Weird hey? Sex makes me think of suicide.. ive already committed social suicide and im simply a dead man walking if i hang with old social groups.

Ive been branching out a bit into new groups but its soooooo hard.

Anyways. Thanks

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

I've got a few things this arvo but I thought I'd just say I thought your post was interesting and I'll definitely post a reply later.

A lot of what you said...geez, it sure brings back not-too-distant memories. I went to an all-guys school and the pressure was pretty darn real back then. It's no wonder most of my close friends now are female. The pressure guys put on other guys just by what they talk about...yeah, it's unhealthy.

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

It's sad to see you so hard on yourself to be honest.

This struck me in what you said...

The reality is that people lose their virginity in their late teens and early 20s. Those who do not are either religious or have a set of core beliefs that they value.

You are right but you've missed a pretty important third group of people. Those who are hurting. People who have put up walls around themselves to protect themselves. Those who for whatever reason don't like themselves or see themselves as a person someone could want in any way.

I know some people like this. Like you. Who want affection but at the same time push people away when they get too close. This is private but I will share because you are hurting.

I remember a long time after leaving my abusive ex I asked my friend why he never had a date. He was smart and handsome and athletic so it confused me. He blushed and mumbled some excuse I couldn't hear. So I asked him out. He blushed and said no. I asked him out again a day later. Said you're way out of my league but you're my friend and I like you what's the harm?

So we dated for years. And the secret came out. He was a virgin. At 23. His parents nagged him incessantly about being gay. His self esteem was worse than mine almost (and that says a lot!). He was so deeply ashamed.

He expected me to laugh. To put him down. I said to me sex had been for my husband. For who I would marry. I allowed my first boyfriend to treat me like dirt because in my mind I had to make it work. Even if that meant being controlled and abused, having no life or friends or money. Leaving him meant giving up on what meant a lot to me. I was worthless in my mind. Ashamed. Virginity shouldn't be a shame it's a gift. He was stunned.

He was my teacher in learning not to expect abuse. I was his teacher in the only thing I felt confident in. It wasn't love. It was comfort. And learning to accept ourselves, be self confident, to heal the wounds others had given our sense of self. Self confidence is remarkably attractive.

You aren't alone in this. You're not weird or abnormal. You just need to be able to accept that there are people who find you appealing. That no matter your self esteem you are worth caring about.

Sex is easy. If it's solely about sex you can pay for that. But it is deeper than that for most people. It's about wanting to be desired. Wanting someone to want you. I don't have any answers I'm sorry. I just understand why you feel so down.