I can't find the right place for me to post

[Moonstruck]

I don't know any more where to put a new thread if I make one, or which ones to join in. I always used Anxiety because that is my major condition but that has been relatively under control lately - I feel Depressed today - but I don't qualify for the topics there either. I'm depressed mainly because there doesn't seem a place for me. I love some of the threads and personal thoughts for example in Staying Well, but I can't join in there, because I don't have any tips for Staying Well.

I tend to have almost paranoid thoughts through over-thinking "problems" that I would like to talk over but don't know where to talk them over before they reach the paranoid stage...I want to avoid that. I join in the Social threads saying light hearted jokey things because thats the only place I seem to belong.

I dwell on any problems my adult sons have in various aspects of their life and want to "fix things for them" - our relationship is very loving and close though - they are wonderful to me - so there is no real "problem" with my relationship with them....so I don't seem to belong in the "relationships, family" section either do I?

I worry about them all the time - when I tried to express this on forum I think it was misconstrued that I had "empty nest syndrome" - trying to adapt to my sons' leaving home....No, that's not it...they've been gone for years and years...I am a grandmother.

I liked the Getting to Know You, or is it Me? thread very much - but have been given suggestions how to start my own thread and what section to use etc and get the feeling I'm being steered away from there too.

So I am still confused. I don't feel particularly anxious today, so this shouldn't even be in Anxiety! Do you see my dilemma?

In fact the more I write the more I feel like crying - I don't know where to go next.

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Moon,

Some people feel things more strongly than others. It is ok to take longer to grieve. There is no weakness in having loved so much. When we care for people or pets for many years, wouldn't it be strange to "get over it" quickly? We all grieve in different ways too. Perhaps you could consider trying a few other ways to help express your emotion. Maybe write about your pet or paint a picture. Take a favourite photo and frame it or have it put onto a canvas.

I cry around my kids all the time, both happy and sad. Kids are very open and accepting to emotion and will understand. Kid hugs are the absolute best though. Enjoy your grandkids xx

[quirkywords]

Moon

I wanted to say how much I enjoy this thread.

I like how honest you are.

I cry a lot but I have stopped apologising now. Even when I find myself crying in the supermarket usually in frozen food aisle. What does that mean.

Take care everyone.

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

Thanks for that Quirky. i will think of you next time I'm in the frozen food aisle. (!) With me, I find the breakfast cereals really sad....I can't help getting all teary when I see all those flakes, brans, oats and muesli.....it's awful!

Lost Girl ....in this case I can't predict how or how long the grief will go on....you see I don't know what happened to him. I can only imagine his suffering, distress, probably death by now, being mistreated by strangers.....it is the "not knowing"that I cannot bear. of course I have framed photos....they bring no comfort, only despair and more tears. the loss and weight of it gets no lighter with the passing of time......it's the "not knowing"..and the guilt in choosing the wrong people to care for him...they did not even let me know immediately he went missing, so I could be "out there" looking from the first minute...if I had, there's a good chance I'd have him back now!!

I was not told until days later...he was MY responsibility. I let him down, and my son too...this has been the undoing of me. I counted up the number of Big Losses I had had in my life.....too many. How much Loss are we expected to bear? How to we fill those holes? How do we replace the things lost? I have chunks of "me" missing...with each Loss, another big space appears in who I am...I am half a person...walking around with huge pieces bitten out of me...

[quirkywords]

moon I found your words very moving .. " I am a half person..walking around with huge pieces bitten out of me.."

Do you think the losses can ever be filled in by other things or and the '

'missing chunks' always there but there are new things added? I think I have confused myself.

I am trying to say that maybe we have to live with the holes and the losses but hopefully other people and feelings will come into our lives and bring us hope.

It was ten years yesterday since my dad passed, and since I think of him everyday I dont see him as a loss. Does thane sense?

Maybe we spend our whole lives dying to make sense of loss.

Sending kind thoughts

Quirky

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

It is the not knowing causing such grief. I am hoping, one day, all these 'missing chunks' and 'holes' that you feel will allow some sunlight through to take over from the darkness.

Cmf x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Moon,

Sometimes when it gets a bit much, the tears just fall and/or the words spill out...here's a hug. I know that it can't be compared to your sons' loving hugs but a here's a hug nonetheless...thought you might need one.

Take care,

Pepper

[quirkywords]

Moon I want to apologise for my typos in my last post . I am getting used to my Ipad but my chubby fingers find it hard so often things don't make sense. That is my excuse blame my fingers.

I was so moved by your post that my fingers could not keep up with my brain-hence the confused post.

Sending hugs

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

Hello Quirky....hugs received gratefully, thanks. No apologies necessary for typos.....just because I am a brilliant touch-typist doesn't mean everyone has to be.....(LOL). Is your day going OK for you?

Hug you back.....xo

[Moonstruck]

Oh people....dear people...when will this cloud lift? will it ever lift from me? What is joy, what is at peace, what is pleasure, what is fun, what is comfort? I don't know any more..I can't remember what they feel like. I can't get back to those places.

My son is going overseas next month....he goes just about every year...someone said to me yesterday "You must be worried about x going to those countries...so much can happen now overseas..it's so dangerous"......and that was it!!

I have been so bowed down with these "losses"...the most recent of course..and still present..was/is my pet that I don't know what happened to.... I am STILL not over it. STILL grieving, now I am afraid of my son being in danger, or lost to me forever in a foreign country.....oh God no, not another loss...Please no!

I still have my pet's new furniture stuff I bought in readiness for his homecoming. I see it every day. I know, I know I have to take it to my sisters to store over there.....but I can't physically put it in the car. Because last time I placed it in the car was bringing it home from the pet store.....then putting it in there to collect him. I can't place it in the car again....but what more harm will it do me? How many more tears can I cry anyway? I am already tearing up EVERY night when my everyday face doesn't have to be "on" any more. When I no longer have to chat and smile and make small talk......I am buried in sadness...it has gone on too long.

What can I do to lift it? What positive thoughts can I have about something I love so much, such a part of my life....alone, suffering, dying a slow death, maybe treated cruelly by other humans.....what positive thoughts can I have about that?

[Guest_3712]

Hi Moon

I know I'm supposed to be on a break but I have still been reading and I can't bare to see you so upset .

So is it possible to maybe look at a happy scenario instead? Maybe a lovely family had taken him in and he is getting spoilt rotten.

This actually happened to my mum once- their dog was lost by a boarding kennel . Not a trace for 2 years then one day there he was enjoying a walk with a new family!

It can happen !

In other news laughed through my tears and blocked nose about your response to loving yourself- classic Moon 🌙

Be kind to yourself

Stressless