Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Croix, Wishful,

Croix, I enjoyed your frank post about your thoughts on love and loss. You sound thankful for the time (and memories) you shared with your first wife.

What's that saying about "grief is the price we pay for love"? I guess it hurts because it mattered (or because she/he/they mattered).

I kind of agree with Sara that you might be a tad hard on yourself. She pretty much said it all- it's a learning process. We all do the best we can in our own way.

Wishful, I'm happy to see you here. I'm touched that our various exchanges- the happy, sad, uncertain, funny and ridiculous (wait, that's me ha, ha) moments- have had some sort of effect on you. Maybe we'll see you around again 😉

Sara, I'm glad you trusted me (us) with some of your demons. Yes, your disclosure was part of your process. On a larger scale, I think this whole thread forms part of your process. Or Process and Friendship as I like to think.

It has been/is an honour to be there for you and to be a part of this thread. Thank you for supporting me but also for laughing with me too during the funnier moments too.

Admittedly even though I do worry about you, I also understand you have resilience, tools and strategies in place for the darker moments. In saying that- and you know this already- if you need us, you know where to drop us a line.

Love ya,

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (shoutout to all contributors + readers),

Your post on discovering/re-discovering classical music made my day 😊

I was definitely not expecting music comments as the preceding posts were all non-music related. But to my delight, there you were talking about your light classical channel experience.

I think that I've mentioned it before but Beethoven's Symphony no. 5 is a fave. It's extremely famous so you have probably heard it already. Most people have heard it even if they didn't know the name of the piece.

Vivaldi's The Four Seasons is another crowd pleaser (my fave is Summer but Autumn has a special place in Croix's walrus heart).

Chopin's Nocturne op.9 No.2 is beautifully subtle and makes me feel like I'm in a dream.

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata (another very famous piece) is a bit of a tearjerker in my opinion (especially the first and third movement).

If I had to choose a favourite composer, it would have to be Beethoven.

Not sure why but I have a feeling you might really like Chopin and Debussy ha, ha (but I could be wrong).

Continue enjoying your music, Sara! Happy to hear it!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I read you talking to a poster about approaching her mum. While it's horrible there may be hope, I have thoughts but will not voice them until the right time. It depends on the hearts of those involved.

I'm afraid I was moved to tears by your words (a walrus sniveling is not a sight you'd want to see).

With you my dear, it might not be the people that you needed, but you are loved by some, not a big comfort, not enough to get rid of grey - but a something.

I often wonder how children can be so different from their parents, I am far different from mine - and I'm certain you are a far cry from yours. That was bad for you, as you expect others to be the same as you - to care deep inside. I think you may have tried to breach what you expected to be a wall to find the heart within, only to find it's not a wall - but just a solid.

It's good for the world though. Now in it is this human, nosy, obnoxious, intelligent, musical, kind and empathetic - plus with humor.

If I'd had a female child I'd want her to be like you - in every way. As it was I had a son, and he is good, I'm proud of him.

I have a strong suspicion Sara feels the same way.

In time the hurt will recede. How easily one says the word 'hurt'. It means so much, a little word for what can be truly overwhelming at times. My hurt over my parents after my dis-inheritance receded, then went. True I had someone to love and be love by. That helped a truly fabulous amount.

You will find someone too, you are too great a treasure to be left.

Croix (who embarrasses himself at times)

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I'm still in recovery mode and will be for a while I suspect.

The forum is less alive without your presence, praising, cajoling, uttering words of wisdom and of happiness, or of troubled times.

I can do nothing but hope for you, send 'vibes' of healing and affection while you recover. Dottie, Corny, I and all here wait on your return in strength.

When you do you can answer a question that has been puzzling me (and no doubt everyone else), is Marge looking over her shoulder or front-on?

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix (shoutout to Sara and everyone else),

Your post got the waterworks going so I guess we're "even" now. I was rather surprised and moved by your words. I think you're one of the few people who can make "nosy" and "obnoxious" sound like a compliment. About the poster you're referring to, all I can say is let's hope for the best.

Yes, sometimes parents and their children are similar and sometimes less so. Maybe it's a relief- and also somewhat puzzling- that you're not like your parents.

Well, I'm not completely like or completely unlike my parents. I can see bits and pieces- for better or for worse- of my parents in me.

For example, my love of music is something that I have in common with my dad who was/is music obsessed. My appreciation of architecture and design is something I share with my mum. Getting things done and trying to achieve goals- no matter what is happening in my personal life- is also something I have in common with my ambitious, stoic mum.

Thank you, I felt rather speechless after reading your comments about wanting a daughter like me (that's kind of what got the waterworks started). I can assure you that I am/was no angel, and that I would not have spared you my share of eye rolling, answering back and smart comments ha, ha. I certainly dished it out to my parents for a couple of years.

Your 2 loves of your life certainly helped ease some of the pain over your parents. You're very blessed.

Maybe I will and maybe I won't find the right man. I mean, look at all the people on BB in the relationships section or in the PTSD/trauma section who have experienced domestic violence.

I'm sure they're all decent people but being a nice person doesn't mean you'll end up with a nice partner. Lots of nice people end up with horrible partners, which means that lots of horrible people end up with nice partners.

Sometimes I don't think it's about one's personal attributes, sometimes it's circumstantial with a bit of timing thrown in. For the right place, right time and right person to align is rare. I think you're very lucky to have the 3 align twice.

Many thanks again for the heartfelt words. I so appreciated them as well as your warmth and compassion here.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Just thought that I would say hi. Don't worry, there's no pressure to respond...you take care of you and do what you need to do to mend.

I hope today has been somewhat tolerable. If not, for what it's worth, know that there are a bunch of random strangers who care deeply about you (one is a walrus, one is a super obnoxious and nosy human being and another is corn obsessed even though the corn hog is a little quiet).

Love ya,

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

Just to have the last word - something walruses are well known for:-

You said: being a nice person doesn't mean you'll end up with a nice partner.

Steph6 said: Thers r good,gentle,warm hearted men out there

I must admit I was amazed and really glad she of all people said that. There is hope in the world.

As for being an angel - no thanks, no way, offspring have to be human

(plus what a horrible idea, all that sitting on damp clouds tuning harps - have you ever tried to tune 47 strings?).

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix (shoutout to Sara & everyone else),

Yes, I agree of course there are nice men out there. But I don't think that's what I was trying to say.

I guess what I was trying to say is there's no guarantee that just because there are nice men out there, it means that you will end up with one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it can't happen, I'm saying it's not guaranteed.

Similarly, if you're a nice man, it doesn't automatically mean you will end up with a nice woman. Again, I'm not saying it can't happen but I'm saying there's no guarantee. Same concept also applies to people in same-sex couples.

I suppose what I was trying to say is I think that a lot of it is down to timing and circumstances aligning rather than (strictly) one's own set of personal attributes. Hopefully I'm making more sense now as I may not have explained my thoughts very well.

The angel comments made me chuckle. Although if being an angel means a carefree life with no worries and just playing the harp all day, I feel many people would be up for it ha, ha.

Thanks Croix, I know you try hard to encourage and sprinkle hope here and there.

Keep at the amaze thing.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I'm afraid this post is a more serious one, please think about what I'm asking, and why I ask - please don't rush into replying.

I do fool around, and I also voice my care for you, and try for encouragement too - ok so far?

A fair while ago I asked you if you were 'marking time', then later on said I thought you were slowly growing.

I'm not at all surprised that you recently said you still do not enjoy every day, quite the opposite in fact - they are not good, at best grey.

The question - and no, it is not one for which I need the answer, though that would be good. I think it is perhaps one for which you need at least to consider the answer from every angle. Can you play and think?

You mentioned a long time you have your psrink's details but do not use them. If that is still the case - why?

All my affection Dottie,

Croix

P.S. If it is of any comfort when I was about to leave the police I was terrified of going to a psychiatrist, and again when going into hospital.

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for the caring post.

I think that I'll post my response in my original thread (I'm assuming that's the one you're referring to) as I don't want to hijack Sara's thread.

Talk soon,

Dottie xxx