Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Thanks D-Girl!

Free at last! Free at last...free at last...

Saraphin xo

[blondguy]

Dottie

Thankyou so much for your heartfelt condolences re my dad

Dottie>>>>>>>>BB Legend

Paulxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Paul,

Any time. You have been here for so many of us. Offering my condolences was the least that I could do for you.

Thank you and back at you about the legend part!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie & Corny~

Hi all

Sara~ you sure seem happy and energy-packed now, that's really great! A quick q - when are the peak newpost times?

Corny~ Thinking of you & hope sitting is tolerable

Dottie~ I suspect things are still grey and you have to practice your forte - I've left you something to distract the mind

All my affection

Croix

[Just Sara]

Hey Mr Croix;

The most active times can be evenings and out of school hrs, though pattern's are mutable. Only do what you're capable of ok? I know you'll do a bang-up job! I'm here for questions or advice.

I've left a msg on your parlor thread. Thinking of you...

Hi Dottie;

Later on when I have time, I'm giving one of my old school posts talking about trust and self resilience. This won't be about you, but you may get something out of it. (I hope)

You both know me, perpetual motion. Lucky for me I've learned how to dance to the beat of my own drum, and sing my own praises...BB King, Miles Davis and Billie Holiday. (Nothing wrong with throwing in some Blues into the mix with Mr King)

Take care lovelies...

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

Another Q: what's a 'PM'?

Ta

C

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Croix, Paul, Corny (+ anyone else reading),

Croix, you're right. Things are still kind of grey. Sadness is overwhelming. Pain is pain is pain....

Sara, it's really uplifting to hear you speaking from a rejuvenated headspace. I hope you enjoy the tunes. And yes, the blues...why not right (laughs?)

Do your thing and self encourage and self empower. That's awesome!

I'm sure your insight on trust and resilience will be great food for thought. I look forward to it when you're up to it.

Love ya

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

My dearest Croix;

Short and straight to the point. I seem to have read/written this somewhere of late. Hmm...

One day you and I will talk...really talk.

A PM is a personal/private message.

Sara xo

[Just Sara]

My dearest Dottie;

Yes, reconfigured. It doesn't mean I'm cured, it does mean I'm stronger, wiser.

I see grey's still your colour. It's a versatile and flexible colour, every stage between white and black. Why'd you choose grey instead of blue? I mean blue is traditionally the colour of long bouts of sadness/depression. Grey's linked with clouds; rain, tears...cleansing. I know...I'm anal; sorry.

Art and art history were my electives in high school. I was awarded a special certificate of achievement by my teacher in 3rd form. (Yr 9) She was amazed by my 'jack of all trades' abilities, but I especially excelled in history. The Renaissance intrigued me. Though Claude Monet is still my fave after all these yrs, a perfectionist and creator of beauty from the most inane of things...haystacks.

Those yrs have paled, but as with music and writing, the artist's words, notes and brush strokes send out trinkets of the soul within. I unknowingly picked this up at an early age, and still 'feel' through whatever mode or medium, that person's 'heart'.

I felt this from Croix. At first I thought it was the way he put words together, but as time's passed, I realize it's more than this.

You however Dot, are an enigma. (Odd, that was the name of the computer that ended WWII. Silly bit of trivia. Don't know why it came to me) Wondering if it has to do with you. Metaphors...hmm

Anyway, I'm tired. Take care my lovely...

Sara xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Stronger and wiser sound good. Growing.

There's no need to apologise. I called it grey because Croix described it as grey. Maybe grey makes more sense for me anyway. I like blue skies much more than white-ish, grey-ish overcast ones.

I didn't know about your interest in art history. From my little knowledge about the renaissance, it was a cultural rebirth so I can see why you were fascinated.

It seems the arts speak to you (or you to it), and Croix's words speak to you. Really speak to you. You and him share an understanding.

I'm enigmatic? Maybe and maybe not. But I definitely don't have the ability to end world wars (or have such far reaching influence). Maybe it's not words...I don't know....maybe Croix wears his heart on his sleeve and I don't.

Anyways, I hope you got some rest and are feeling better.

Keep at being amaze.

Dottie xxx