Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Just a (1/2) lucky guess ha, ha.

I have gone back to your original post on Nausea, Lana Del Rey and Waiting for Godot. Sorry Sara, we have gone off at a weird tangent here...

I've never attempted to read the original in French but that would definitely be a tough read for most non-native French speakers ha, ha. I've only read the English translation. Maybe Camus and Satre just aren't the right reads for you and that's perfectly okay as we all have different taste. I really enjoyed it because it was a liberating read. I found a certain freedom in it, and I realise not all people will share that perspective but that's okay. To each, their own.

To answer your question about the ending, Roquentin decides to write a novel. The way that I saw it was that the book was less about the storyline and more about the ideas it conveyed- the plot was merely the vehicle for his philosophies.

Well, even though I've heard Summertime Sadness many times before, I have never watched the music video or listened closely to the lyrics so I can't really comment. I just let the overall feeling of SS wash over me as it plays. I think Lana Del Rey writes a lot of songs about an ex who died (I'm not 100% sure so please don't quote me on it).

I think her music, music videos and stage persona can be a bit polarising so you'll find people who sit on either side of the fence when it comes to her. I can't vouch for her authenticity (or lack thereof if that's your perspective) but artists- Del Rey or other- generally all have stage/public personas so I wouldn't say she is necessarily any more or less "authentic" than any other artist out there.

That aside, I do think she's very talented, and I really enjoyed (enjoy) Video Games and Blue Jeans. But maybe her style of music isn't quite for you so I'm not sure if I would recommend either song to you ha, ha.

Maybe when Corny pops in again, you can ask her for her opinion as she was the one who first brought up SS 😉

Yep, I have heard of Waiting for Godot (thanks be to another BB member) but I've never seen the play. I'll keep your suggestions in mind about seeing it live rather than online (ugh there goes my YouTube viewing plan ha, ha).

Thanks again for your thoughts.

Keep at the amaze thing.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Dear Dottie;
I’ve been sitting at my laptop trying to fill the page with words, so I’m sorry if this isn’t what’s expected or desired.

How you and Croix are getting on while I’m sorting thru my headspace is wonderful to see. You and he have a great connection.

Over the past week I’ve attempted to voice some concerns with the new format this thread is taking on. The fact is I haven’t been as happy or in tune as I’d like to be.

Things would’ve come across confusing as stating the obvious when I’m overwhelmed isn’t a strong point of mine. Of course this caused considerable woe which I feel deep regret for.

This and the ‘Putting Me First’ threads are like my babies; not just because I created them, but they both represent very real and important aspects of my recovery which also resonates with many members using
the forum. I’d lost sight of this and didn’t know how to approach the issue with you all.

I might leave things for now and continue journaling. I can say before I go, this has to do with group dynamics and my trauma’s.

Much love…I too miss you dearly.

Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi Croix;

You asked for a suggestion to chat? The simple answer is to start your own thread. Croix's chatspace or something like that.

I'd like to share words with you but am still resisting change. There'll come a time when I'm able, but for now I'd like to just continue with my CC role and limit personal connections for a while if that's ok. I'm sorry affectionate Croix...I'm not coping.

It isn't you; please be assured of this. Getting too close and familiar brings old habitual thinking/memories. Things happened so fast I tried to fix it instinctively...post trauma reactive behaviour.

I don't know if I can mend this thread to its original format, but if you create a place we can meet to talk, natter, joke, be serious, supportive or just plain outrageous...I will come to visit.

Much love...

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
If you are feeling even a gnat's whisker guilty don't you dare! As a practicing human being you are as allowed to feel your way as any anyone. Plus things are ok with the thread. You are a great support. I was in at least to minds about that post today, I'm glad I did - but only after your comment.

The matter of which I wished to speak is not related to your cat-herding abilities, or perceptions of ownership.

If I might ask an impertinent question ... no I chickened out:)

Dear Dottie~
You really do help my thinking, I had not considered plot and character to being mere vehicles to carry the all-important, the philosophies. I remember thinking (even at that age) it weird that Antoine’s relationship with the Chemin de fer Rendezvous des Hommes lady was so heartless. I couldn’t understand it – later I could but even that did not help much.

Now, thanks to you, if I see them as puppets, marionettes with cartoon features like in the Thunderbirds – though I guess that’s before your time, it makes sense, though still not exactly my first choice 🙂

I still think Anne? (-the lady in his past anyway) is the most real - but I guess that's not the point

I suppose you could look at Waiting for Godot on YouTube, however I find that because they are amazingly weird you need the full theater experience to keep you nailed in your seat until you catch on and start to live with the characters.

If you wanted to test yourself out have a look at another of his works Endgame on YouTube and see if you start to live it - or get an overwhelming urge to switch to a video of paint drying. Endgame IMHO is not as good so you’ve not spoiled the best one by this method.

Summertime Sadness is sad – no two ways about it. I’m allergic to sad I guess. Kanga printed the text of Bobby Russell’s Honey in the café and I started leaking tears, it reminded me of my first wife. I told Kanga I was good – it was happy-sad as he was concerned, but I wish I hadn’t read it. Life has too many unhappy endings as it is. PTSD legacy I'm afraid

So it’s not that surprising I felt dubious with a song about 2 lovers ending it all – romantic circumstances or not. I know, I know, there is a vast audience – you too – that enjoys the ‘SADNESS EXPERIENCE’. Ah well chacun à son gout – though I do confess to a sneaking feeling for Édith Piaf who could do melancholy in spades and convince a stone. Try La Vie En Rose (Life though a Pink filter)

With all my affection

Croix.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I understand what you're saying and I had noticed that you were saying less about yourself and how you've been faring recently.

I guess this new format has its pros and cons. Maybe the original format worked better in terms of aiding your recovery. I had noticed maybe you had lost your voice a little here...

I have to admit that I was saddened (but not entirely surprised by your post). I'm definitely going to miss our chats here but you have to look after yourself first and foremost. As you said so yourself, you're overwhelmed. Time for that oxygen mask, huh?

Much love and I really hope that maybe one day, you'll start posting here again. Old format/new format- whatever works for you as I'm fairly flexible.

I'm still here for you even if you're taking a break from this thread.

Miss you heaps already.

Keep at the amaze thing, k?

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Thanks as always for the engaging conversation. I enjoy our chats and hearing your perspectives.

I'm happy to chat more. Are you starting your own thread? If so, maybe I'll leave my response on your thread there and give Sara some space on this thread to clear her head.

Stay amaze and much love to you too,

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi,

Croix, I found your thread, and assuming it's okay, I'll respond to your most recent post on Edith Piaf, Del Rey, etc there 😊

Sara and Corny- love you both a tonne. Hope you know that.

Must get to work now!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie & Corny~

Sara~ Whatever you decide is best for you has my whole-hearted support, even if that just means keeping quiet - a monumental ask you realize.

Absence will not reduce affection or the desire to help in any way

BTW I took your advice and started Forums / BB Social Zone / Croix Parler for miscellaneous odd & ends
1st post is a greeting with a typo - sigh

Dottie~ Your antenna must give off buzzing sounds as they vibrate:) I'd be most happy for you to continue there - I'm looking forward to your input.

Corny~ I just finished re-reading this thread to get an idea of its evolution and I blush to say that I assumed 'Machine Gun Fellatio' was a normal term bandied about between those with a different orientation to mine.

Now I realize it's a group and I've listened to Unsent Letter and read the lyrics

Here comes the hard part, I'll have to swallow what I've just recently to Dottie about not doing 'Melancholy' - Blurk!

I enjoyed it, perhaps because it did not seem as contrived as Lana Del Ray's Summertime Sadness, perhaps because in the latter it seemed a pointless destruction of lives - dunno.

I'm gradually being inched towards more modern music - amazing

I hope you are managing ok out there sitting

Affectionately

Croix

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie, Croix, Matt and Corny; (and anyone else who's posted)

Ok...I've had a good, long, hard think about what's been eating at me. Low and behold! Eureka!!! No it's not Machine Gun Fellatio. Ah ha ha ha ahhh....what a crack up. I don't care if that's a band's name, it's bloody hillarious! (Damn, no spellcheck!)

Anyways, it seems I was confused as to how I could embrace my role as CC, be a contributing fellow tortured soul and; form valuable connections to people I'd come to admire and adore without sending people running for the hills.

So I started a new thread in the Welcome and Orientation section called 'A Friendship Hub' Please feel free to read and reply. I feel it's important and relevant to everyone on the forum.

I love you guys; you're so good for me. So's this place called BB. Sigh...relief. It's over...my fear and confusion that is.

There's no way on this green (and brown) earth I'll let you go Dottie!! You're one of my beautiful rock's. Speaking of music; I love Jazz. Nope, not going to apologise. I can hear the humbug hurrumf's from here. Listening to some now...building my spirits, the beat, percussion, melody...sigh, deep sigh....

Oh Croix, I'm fixin' to visit you as soon as I have din-din's and dance to my fave hip and happenin' muso's. So looking forward to it hun!

Feeling happy, content, 'sane' yay!!

Do-do do-do doo doo, do-do do-do doo doo....

Singin' n dancin' Sara xoxoxoxox

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

It's lovely to hear from you again especially when you're coming from a better headspace than before. It seems as though you've figured out how to juggle your multiple roles/identities here on the forum. Well done, you!

Thanks for the warm words, Sara. Jazz, huh? Good for you! You might appreciate the new release movie, Lala Land, as I think Ryan Gosling plays a jazz musician in it and wants to "save" jazz. One of my random sidenotes.

Glad to hear you're sounding more upbeat and enjoying your jazz tunes 🎷🎵

Love ya and stay amaze, as always.

Dottie xxx