Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Cornstarch]

Evening guys,

Just got home from my shrink and I am positively feeling shrunk.

My deepest gratitude for your heartfelt concern, I do not take it for granted. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the posts, clearly I've fallen behind.

But my Doc wants me to focus my remaining energies on myself to get through the most stressful time of the year, and naturally when I am on these forums I like to give as well to wonderful people such as you all. Mum is pendulating if that is a word, from lucid bluntness to delusion and back again. Hopefully the swing won't snap but if it does that is not her fault.

I know her better than anyone so it's always sit tight and wait over January. Naturally her carers are wanting to spend time with the people they love so my siblings and I have to take up the slack for the next 3 weeks. The cruel irony is that she is one of my biggest triggers of some awful memories. PTSD soup for Christmas it seems.

There is another thread something about 'PTSD & Concentration', I was going to reply a couple of weeks ago but got distracted. Corny's bedroom science that has absolutely zero basis of truth other than curiosity, is deeply concerned that sustained rigorous exercise over months can do wonders for people with Alzheimer's BDNF, but in PTSD the same mechanism could be creating BDNF Boomerangs. Boomerangs I'd rather not relive before they're filed thanks very much. My dissociation cracked it again in the park this morning freaking me out so I am pulling in the reins to take care of me. Rudolf will help won't he?

I hope you guys are as good as can be expected and the holiday season is positively relaxing and kind to your nervous systems. I'm sorry I can't offer anything else but 2016 put me on my bum, and I still have a lot to digest, navigate and make sense of.

Cheers to your health.

Corny xxxx

[Croix]

Dear Corny~`

I was at once immeasurably please to hear from you and at the same time distressed at your current plight.

Please do not think you have to contribute in any shape of form. You are missed for yourself - it's that simple.

If you cant get here I will miss you and understand. If you ever do come you only need to say:

'poked my snoot in, still breathing, bye'

and left it at that - I would feel happy to have had your contact.

I am sure Sara and Dottie will not mind me saying we all feel exactly the same way - & there'll be a special word concerning assistance to Rudolf on your behalf

My affection, Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Sara, thank you for the encouraging, enthusiastic words of support. It was very generous of you 😊

I guess we all have things that make us tick so adrenaline or not, those things help keep us going. You seem to be able to relate to the feeling of coming to life when you stumble upon something that makes you tick 😊

Your work in corrections sounds like it was both intense and demanding but also rewarding and meaningful. Discovering a dead man in his cell must have been frightening and overwhelming- and with minimal/no support or counselling from work too. That must have been difficult. Even if you miss the work now, it still must have been a challenging role.

I love how you're keeping us updated on your music/guitar adventures. I hadn't actually heard of Classical Gas before so I YouTubed it. I had a listen just now and I say go for it if you like the piece. Fill your house with sounds of guitar chords!

Good on you for your active involvement on BB. I'm sure you made the new posters feel very welcome.

Thanks for letting us in on your thread. You know I adore you!

Croix, I appreciate your open mindedness and willingness to both share and listen here. Thank you for not writing me off as "too young to understand" as I get that sometimes in my volunteer gig. I'm not saying that I know everything- far from it- but it's frustrating when I'm labelled before some people even bother getting to know me.

I think you're a serial monogamist in the truest sense of the words 😊 Yeah, it does seem that when you commit to something or someone, you tend to be in it for the long haul.

I YouTubed The Windmills Of The Mind (English). It's a very lyrically powerful song. I wonder if your mind is anything like the windmill mind and fragmented thoughts in the song. I haven't yet listened it in French but I'm 100% certain your French is more proficient than mine. It's comforting to have a go-to song when you're feeling sad.

I'm glad you seem to like I Don't Wanna Live Forever. From what I've heard about 50 Shades, it seems like it's an abusive relationship/ DV masked as "romance" so I'm boycotting the franchise.

Sorry for the small rant there...having grown up admidst intergenerational family violence means I'm sensitive about certain film content. Just as I heads up, I don't really want to go into detail about my family here.

Thanks again for your thoughtfulness and presence on this thread.

Y'all stay amaze, okay?

Dottie xxx

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Oh Corny,

Big virtual hug from me! Don't worry about catching up on the posts. You gotta do you.

I genuinely don't know what to say- I just wish that I could somehow make your pain go away and your mum better. You, your siblings and your mum must be so tired. I know you love your mum but that doesn't mean taking care of her is easy (but you know this already). It must be hard watching her swing...here's another virtual hug from me.

Your PTSD soup sounds painful to down. The whole situation just feels sad to me...someone you love so much also being a huge trigger. The irony of it all, but above all, it's just a really sad situation.

Yes, pull in the reins. Bedroom science or not, you know yourself best so you know when it's time to pull back a bit and take care of yourself (or as best as you can considering the circumstances with your mum).

I'll send Rudolph a text, okay? Sara, Croix and I will have him waiting at your doorstep in no time. Plus Prancer and Vixen and the rest of the reindeer gang.

I agree with Croix that your presence here is contribution enough. As much as we enjoy your wit, risqué writing and other wonderful offerings, we aren't just in it for the funnies and moments of Yoda-like insight, we're in it when s**t gets real too. Just be you.

Write when you're up to it, take a break when you need too. Find that oxygen mask!

You are amaze.

Group hug!

Dottie xxxxxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Sorry,I realise that I forgot to answer your question. Yes, playing the whole 5th Symphony (piano) is indeed tiring but it's more emotional than physical fatigue. Plus I don't always play all 4 movements like sometimes I'll play only 1 movement. The first movement is my favourite.

Take care and stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie, Sara & Cornie
I owe you an apology Dottie, it was grossly insensitive of me to say anything about that franchise, as is my normal habit I tried to see the artwork in context and galloped ahead heedless of thought. My regrets, I hope I didn’t cause you any – even momentary – unhappiness. Also there's no 'seem', I do actually like the song, plaintive though it appears

As an aside there are films relating to police work I still can’t see. I have one sitting in my cupboard and will not consider myself ‘cured’ until I can view it with equanimity. That day may never happen and I do NOT recommend it as a recipe for anyone else, it’s a litmus test, perhaps a denial that I will never totally recover

As I might have mentioned I started escaping into adolescents’ fiction and gradually worked my way back up to a more balanced literary diet – now almost all-encompassing and virtually normal though fantasy still tends to be my favorite

On a happier note (sorry for the pun) I think Mason William’s ‘Classical Gas(oline)’ is a ‘gas’. Lively and enjoyable to listen to. A couple of sites list it as having an intermediate level of difficulty for the learner. Sara, from the little I know you have selected an excellent challenging choice

With your experience in the learning of instruments Dottie would you consider it appropriate to have an alternative piece that could be switched to on occasion to refresh the student? I tended to tell students in my field to break from one thing and go to another when studying so as to keep the mind fresh and interest up

If you did think that might be an advantage might you think Scott Joplin’s ‘Maple Leaf Rag’ – another intermediate level exercise- could fill the bill?

Sara~ I noticed the way your name kept popping up all over the place in the last day or so and thought that you were suddenly more energized, I’m glad, and no I would not dream of insulting your good work in protecting your premises by mentioning a mere trick

Cornie~ Please just keep on being you

Affectionately, Croix

[Just Sara]

Welcome Home Corn Cobber!

My all seeing eye is watching as you continue to climb up and down that ever present bell curve. I so missed you hun...

It's emotional reading on as you tell of your plight, disassociating and soul sciencing. (no I don't think that's a word, but it fits the bill) You've been there for me from the beginning and have been pivotal in my on-going recovery and coming out. I sometimes feel helpless to return what I consider your greatness of spirit and consciousness given freely; words are my only resource.

Preparing for Xmas soup, hopefully strained thru an appropriate filter, will challenge you. But as with all challenges, I know you'll face it with self insight, care and love for your mum. This too shall pass...

I'm glad you've been 'shrunk'! Not small, but maybe a little more compressed and together. I'm hoping this reference is a positive one and not facetious. One doesn't really know sometimes with you. lol

I know how difficult it would be trying to read thru our posts since you left us. You mentioned the 'Concentration and memory loss due to PTSD' thread. I've just been on and contributed. It's a relevant subject and has had some great entries. There's some good tips to help, but I can concur your presence would only improve upon what already exists.

I wish you well my lovely; in addition to Rudolf and the gang, I'll send my love and support wrapped in pretty paper tied with a bow to open on Xmas morning...some healing balm to gently rub on your battle scars.

I love you Corny...Sara xoxo

Group Hug!!! (Thanks Dot and Croix)

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

It's all good- no apology needed. I can assure you that I'm not upset but I appreciate your graciousness.

If anything, I hope that I wasn't accidentally too abrupt. Not that it's an excuse but I had to omit some words due to the character limit. So I may have come across more affected and curt than I had intended.

I'm glad you enjoyed the song. Hey, I think we all have to do what works for each of us as individuals. So maybe you need that film as a personal marker between "cured" and "not yet cured"- something to work towards (?) As you said so yourself, it's your personal litmus test.

I appreciate your suggestion and I agree that it's generally a good idea to mix things up. I YouTubed Maple Leaf Rag and it's an interesting and very upbeat piece. Ragtime music, huh? I'll keep that in mind. Thanks Croix 😊 Hmmm...if I remember correctly, i think some of Debussy's work was influenced by ragtime.

Anyway, it was great to hear from you. It was very thoughtful of you to check on me but no stress, I'm not upset by anything you said. It's all sweet.

You take care.

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Judging from Croix's comments (& by your own admission), you have been making some wonderful contributions on various threads. Good on you 😊

I don't know what kind of day you have been having today but I hope it has been one of the better ones.

You know we all love you here and thanks for helping bring us together here on your thread!

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, Corny, Croix, QldMouse, Sparkvark, Wishful...apologies if I've forgotten any names as I'm 200% certain that I have done exactly that...sorry, bad memory but it's not intentional...

For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a safe Christmas above all else. I know Christmas isn't a happy time for all of you so I don't want to make assumptions and wish you all a happy Christmas.

For those of you who don't celebrate Christmas, I also hope you stay safe on the 24th-26th December (and ideally all year round too).

I have various Xmas parties (yay) and Xmas obligations (nay) to attend so I might be a bit quiet on the forums over the next 4 days. I'll be back around the 27th/28th Dec. Catch you then!

Big group hug.

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxxxxxx