Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I'll be brief tonight as I'm not in a particularly good place.

I hope you never have to fight again, I meant being a warrior bequeaths is a certain knowledge you can overcome if needs be. It's - strength - confidence - experience - because you have done so before.

Try not to grieve for what might have been - you are still you, older but you, and a pleasure to know.

Nobody with sense would ever want to fight except to survive.

I do not think It prohibits being tender and caring, in fact gentle strength may give more meaning both to the carer and the cared.

I think it might be a fine idea to go back to learning keyboard

I write the way I do (normally) because this place is a myriad of bleak corridors containing pain alternating with attempts at help, like an emergency ward. I want to bring a little in to soften the harshness - thank you for noticing and telling me. Saying that helped me. I'm glad I made you laugh.

I too have to constantly keep referring back.

I apologize for my brevity

Croix

[Just Sara]

Dear Croix;

I'm sorry for my outburst. I have tears in my eyes after reading your reply. It isn't anything specific you said, just that I'm so over 'surviving'. My mind is awash with confusion and intolerance of this confusion. We all know that some days are more difficult than others. Today is one of those days I'm afraid.

I'm also sorry you're not feeling at your best. Even so, your words are brilliant and on the money as usual. You HAVE bought a shift to our thread; intelligent, positive and refreshing.

You are a gift...

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
Don't be sorry for any outburst, I'm going to have one of my own a little further down the page, hopefully without upsetting you as I really would not wish to do that

First though I did forget one other attribute I wanted to say in my last post which can come with the strength of the warrior, but whilst writing it slipped away. It's the dignity that comes from both having fought and yet accepting what life hands you. I'm not sure how well I can explain as my mind is overwrought

I guess an example would be Betty Churcher, watching all the loved artworks of the world fade away like the stars of the night before the strengthening dawn of blindness, yet fighting to retain her memories of each one them with an armoury of pencils and chalks in the battlefields of her sketchbooks

[Caution, self-pity zone]

An unfortunate legacy of my injury is prolonged bouts of anxiety, often triggered by an action I have taken. Here the mind enters the hamster wheel of revolving thought, unable to entirely break out, held in there by well-worn feelings of insignificance, watched over by old acquaintances doubt and dread

To an outsider the whole matter involved would probably appear of no consequence at all

Intellectually I am aware my thinking is distorted and that any anticipated adverse outcome will likely be trivial or non-existent - that is no help. I do have the small comfort of knowing it has happened and I have restarted normal life so many times before – however the clock of time passing to reach that end ticks so slowly - I have to endure.

Some techniques such as exercise and distraction work a little, some such as relaxation do not. The thought that I made a friend laugh does.

The irony on this occasion is that conscience dictates I would have to take the action I did again, even knowing that it was a trigger. In some ways we are trapped by ourselves

Affectionately, Croix

[Just Sara]

My dearest Croix;

Sigh...your words are infectious; I absorb them into me with enthusiasm and love. I don't feel embarrassed to say this at all. How words resonate within me, especially yours, gives pleasure and hope. I consider you an artist too. I 'love' Monet...simple haystacks that evoke internal emotional colour connections. I sense Claude in my heart as I gaze at his creations.

Apart from your wonderful wisdom and insight, the spectrum of colour and translucent mystery in how you 'create' fills me. This may sound metaphysical, but when I read, I 'feel' that person's soul and intent. You bring me to tears so effortlessly. Not because I'm hurt, but because such beauty has been missing for so long in my world. To feel your intent through the magic that is you, returns hope to me, there exists men I can feel safe around. See, I'm tearing up again...

Re your 'self pity'; it reminds me of how I felt last night. Tired of feeling confused and scared, wanting the 'fight' in me to subside and accept peace as my companion. My thoughts and beliefs are the enemy. Physical activity may give intermittent respite, but at the end of the day, finding and changing the cause of my triggers has been a tactical success.

I had some electricians over to do some work. While they were there and for hrs afterwards, I suffered a major anxiety attack. Angry and disillusioned, I sat and recounted what had happened that morning.

One of those men took his shoes off at the front door, the other walked dirt thru my house indiscriminately. This disrespect irked me to no end. I wanted to say to him to please remove his shoes before entering my home. But the words stuck in my throat; that's when the anxiety hit.

My safety was at the core. Contributing factors such as fear of consequences, feeling trapped in my own home, this person being a man and facing an unknown outcome was too much to bare. Workplace/familial bullying 101...PTSD. Once I understood my own role in this scenario, the anxiety was stopped in its tracks; completely gone.

Treating symptoms is necessary; treating the cause holds much more power. I continue to do this each time anxiety hits, and my recovery has been swift and substantial. I don't need med's so much anymore thank goodness and bouts are rarer. I am evolving...

I hope my presence in your life is as important as you've been for me..

Returning your affection...Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
Thank you. I’m greatly pleased my delivery strikes a chord with you. Your presence is indeed important to me, sparking my admiration and affection

(Dottie and Corny reading this - for me this place is a gathering of like souls, my recent intrusion and difference in sex notwithstanding)

I do craft the words with care, you already know one reason. Another is the satisfaction of putting them together ‘correctly’. I’m also aware they are reflections of my being; the sum total of my life; woven into an offering platter. Like the baskets that held fruits and vegetables at the Harvest Festivals of my youth, they are the platforms cradling the meaning of what I want to say

(Mind you some might prefer plain speaking without all the fruit & veg:)

There are so many throughout this world whom are worthy of your trust, with whom you can feel and be secure, people of honour, caring and intelligence, people who have strength when called upon. The trick I’m sure is how to recognise them, already a most difficult task without the overlays of past horrors clouding one’s judgment

I suppose everyone fails to make the correct choice at times and it takes courage to keep trying, knowing it may end in loss, hurt and failure. I’ve been trying to say you have that strength

If I might risk a personal observation, not becoming intimate with X at the first opportunity would have given you a chance to look at the real her without the overriding influence of instant warmth and closeness generated by such contact. You may have been able to see her more clearly as a result. Sex binds.

I was frightened of the effect of my self-pity in that last post, I wrote it anyway - in the same spirit I admonished Dottie about only giving – I needed to receive and took a chance. (Dottie ~ My response to your careful self-reliant rational and lack of avatar is still -Hmmm*)

I guess I did you an injustice in thinking that you might find it upsetting and difficult to respond to. Instead you gave me a post which, if I may say so, was one of great effect. Your appreciation of my words, and especially your telling of the workmens' visit helped. I don’t really know why it helped, but it did. Not you method of stilling your reaction through perceptive analysis, just the telling of the situation, just the fact that you felt what you did.

You post helped

Affectionately, Croix

*= I reserve my opinion until I know more 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

After our quick exchanges you have been silent for while, whilst not wishing to pry or intrude might I ask if everything is ok?

I realize - and hope- you may be having a very full and happy life at the moment, however I ask on the off-chance things are otherwise.

Affectionately, Croix

[Just Sara]

Hey Croix!

A bout of depression, which doesn't hit that often, prompted my short but eventful 'time out'. It's given me pause...

The offending issue eventually rose to the surface. It challenges me to my core, but instead of contemplating my best move, I received a surprise phone call which took up much of my time.

The subject itself is old and known, it feels like my gut instincts telling me I can't put it off anymore. No more avoidance and no more excuses. Knowledge and skill I have aplenty, but cognitive ability might be a problem, at least that's what I've been telling myself.

Without exposing too much, I can say if successful, the rewards are huge, risk is minimal, workload massive, and triggers may be overwhelming. My gut has yet to let me down so my option must be to 'do'.

I spent most of today reorganising and Spring cleaning my home. An attempt to rid myself of unnecessary items and processes..clearing the proverbial cobwebs out. As a metaphor, it may have stirred the pot.

I'm sorry if you were worried; though it's nice to know I was reported MIA. Normally I give heads up, but things hit quite randomly. I'm grateful for your thoughts, and glad my workmen anecdote was of interest.

Within your (large) post, you've inadvertently hit on some major points for me needing attention. Honour, caring, strength, respect, trust and its recognition; as well as - sex binds. You are of course right on all counts. X has these traits in spades. She's stated there's no chance of a full on relationship so attachment is avoidable.

There's more, but I'm not up to a speel tonight; sigh..sorry.

I will have that 'plain speak' with a side of veggies though! Fruit for dessert yeah? He he

Affectionately...Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara, in your tidy spring-cleaned home~

I’m pleased you are back and sad about the recurrence of depression. I’m also a little relieved you understood my concern over your absence and did not think of me as intruding

I’d like to mention that your workman anecdote was not ‘of interest’ - a dry phase Sir Humprey might use on page 42 of an Administrative Services memorandum concerning forthcoming building maintenance budgeting

That account was of real help – even if I’m not sure quite why – and slowed the racetrack of my mind like the crash car leading for a slow circuit. I would expect my mental equilibrium will improve in a day or so - depending upon the response I receive - if any.

You sound determined over your old known subject. Please don’t be too rigorous with yourself. I read your posts on bullying in the Education Department. It confirms you are strong, wise, experienced, highly competent - but still human. You will get there. You have friends

I’m not sure what to think about X’s inability to join in a full relationship. Whilst I’m sure you know best I’d wish more for you – no doubt due to my own nature which is probably a tad less independent or a soupçon more impatient, I don't know which.

Affectionately, Croix (Who has somehow reached the unexpected milestone of 100 posts)

[Just Sara]

Congratulations!!!!! 100 and counting..

I'm so proud; you contribute such quality content. I'm confident you'll engage many more conversations with gusto and creativity, continuing to show the world how beautiful a mind you possess.

Please don't be concerned about my depressive or anxious moments. I am more than willing to go thru these sad or turbulent times due to the learning and insight that follows. Yes, they're uncomfortable, however I've learned to value the pain...like childbirth.

And; I'll take your 'of interest' comment under my belt for future reference..I laughed out loud! So I'll say; "I'm glad my anecdote promoted calm in your world"

Thanks also for your positive feedback re 'known subject' matter. You're astute Croix...quite impressive actually. Critical analysis is your gig too I see. Yes, I have built up an arsenal of evidence, which puts me in good stead for future action.

As with the workmen, using my voice to bring balance to un unbalanced situation has been my downfall. PTSD has silenced me, though not my resolve or courage. It's a work in progress...

To divert...I've been thinking about 'transference'. As a CC it happened regularly in the beginning, but I've managed to block most of the distortion to find a more positive approach. It's fair to say we humans can take on the woes of the world, but I also feel we have the advantage of absorbing the positive energy as well. This has occurred with you coming onto our thread.

This brings me to X. I find it advantageous not having the attachment of a f/t relationship. It's also occurred to me she has much knowledge and strength with govt issues; this hasn't gone unnoticed. She may well be my saving grace re this positive 'transference'.

I'd also like to add, the sub-conscience is first port of call when important info is put before one prior to us consciously grasping its relevance. Even though my anecdote didn't 'compute', your internal radar bleeped. It's wonderful you're open to this!

I have a penchant for writing this morning so our word count has claimed another victim; bugga! (How poignant a word! he he)

I have appt's today, so Spring Clean-up is on hiatus. I will return as 'Arnie' says, with enthusiasm.

*I'd love it if you'd cease and desist with apologies for intruding etc. You're a welcome breath of fresh air to our small but important community. Ok?

​Serenity...

Sara xoxox

[Croix]

Dear Sara~
Ta for the congrats. Franky I’m surprised at my level of involvement, not only here but in a other areas of the site, learning to contribute to matters where my experience is only tangential. I was at my whit’s end in my post yesterday in Wednesday’s “I’m not managing so well anymore”. I’m growing, and partially changing emphasis from my normal volunteer occupation as a result

My apologies for intruding may not go away in a hurry. (Yes I know it can make warriors impatient) In normal life I’m reasonably confident in my own areas of expertise, though admit to being self-effacing in others. I am conscious however of 3 of my experiences. 2 were women during fraud enquiries whose will had been overborne by their males (and a mother) and had committed offences as a result

Both were physically abused and kept prisoner by fear & circumstances (violence, money, kids etc). In addition I dealt with a public servant who was being stalked

In all cases the effect on their lives was all-encompassing

If one takes the hypothetical case of a child subject to the most ugly of physical and mental assaults, perhaps involving betrayal of love and trust, then that’s person judgments in later life may be coloured by the past. They might regard – quite rightly because of their experiences – any intrusion into their lives by one of the same sex as the perpetrator as - if not a threat - then at least a person to be regarded with circumspection. They may feel pressured. It may go further and involve anyone with the ability to get physically close – I don’t know

Goes back to the fragile butterfly. Whilst it may be annoying and I may tend to loose peoples’ esteem by appearing to feel inadequate. I’d rather that than trigger unwelcome reactions. In my clumsy way I’m trying to be gentle. The same person may have differing reactions from time to time depending upon how they are feeling. With only text to guide me, feedback to my diffidence reassures me I am doing no harm and the person is well

BTW You might care to explain ‘transference’ at your leisure

My subconscious – and empathy – tends to play a big part. I’ll tell you a secret - I was never able to play the ‘bad cop’. My efforts in that area ware laughable. Giving a cigarette, sitting back and sympathising was horribly effective. I regret a lot of that now. Many had their lives ruined for trivial mistakes. Yet there are some who are evil and should be locked up forever.

Affectionately, Croix