Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

What a powerful post. You have clearly learnt a lot about your triggers and responses...as I have learnt a lot about myself too.

How hard you have fought (and how determined you were) despite your fears. That is pretty incredible and a testimony to your strength of character, and willingness to make our friendship work. Thank you...really and truly.

Yes, I agree we have learnt a lot and become better friends because of this experience. I’m deeply grateful you encouraged us to “talk it out” with each other.

Yes, let the tears fall. It sounds like you needed a good cry yesterday. Hopefully you’ll emerge with newfound self insight, and if not, your heart and body needed the salt water “cleansing” anyway.

If you need or want to talk (but only if you want to so no obligation or pressure), I’ll be here by your side...as are others too of course ❤️

Tony WK: thank you for your caring and encouraging post. Yes, we have both learnt and grown from it...thanks again 🙂

Love from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Firstly, thanks Tony for your words of comfort and acknowledgement. Misunderstandings are common as you say, and yes, it's a credit to Pep's and I that we chose to run the gauntlet to come to a resolution. x

Thankyou Pepper girl;

I might just have a yak this morning if that's ok. I forgot to take my AD yesterday so it's no wonder I was a bit teary.

Now and then I ponder the amount of traumatic experiences I've gone thru. I was reminded last night of traumatic experiences I've witnessed and/or had to deal with as well.

I was asked about my triggers and if I was ok the other day; it struck me how often it happens. Even though I'm getting thru them quickly and without anxiety, emotions tell me there's yet more to overcome.

I'm holding back tears to write as I feel this is an important issue for me. Throughout my recovery I've had to face each issue/trigger as it arose which has worked well for me. Sometimes though, the enormity of what I've gone thru sneaks in to remind me how difficult life's been.

It's not as overwhelming as it could be which is a credit to me, but as I've said, it sometimes creeps in to catch me unaware. I don't actually know how to respond as I've seen so much.

Much of it I can't write about as others lives are involved. There have been times I may have come across as hard or uncaring, but this I honestly feel was a self protective response aimed at giving me strength to deal with such events.

I'm talking about work. (In my previous life) I've just deleted 2 paragraphs of incidences. I don't think it's productive to talk specifics at this time.

What I'm thinking, is that when life's going well, negative memories pop up to remind me how stark life's been. In the past I've fallen victim to this 'technique' my mind's created to avoid peace.

I also feel being on BB as much as I am can bring these memories to the fore; obviously a result of the time and effort I put into my presence here.

I've taken breaks in the past to address my recovery process, but didn't really consider what else could be going on. So I feel it's time to take another break for this reason.

It'll probably only be a day or so. Please know I'm doing this to care for me and not to push people away.

Running out of space, so best to cut things short and will see you in a while.

H x H's;

Love Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

I’m glad you got to the bottom of your tears...

Take your time with things. You don’t need me to tell you that you have been through more than your “fair” share of pain and loss for one lifetime. You know this...feel this...

As you said, you’re sometimes unexpectedly reminded of the enormity of your experiences. That’s a heavy load to carry in your heart and body...very heavy.

I suppose, as you have touched on before, you continue to learn everyday. This includes learning how to be at peace within yourself. I feel of course your body and mind will “fight” peace because high anxiety is what you’re used to. Familiar patterns and habits can be very entrenched...I heard that you don’t ever “break” or “unlearn” patterns but what you do is you learn new ones (and continue to practice those new ones) to override maladaptive, established patterns.

You give a lot of yourself to BB and it’s truly beautiful, caring and generous. But of course, I feel your number 1 responsibility is to yourself.

I feel you understandably have to respond and take measures to protect your own mental health above all else. I don’t feel it’s being “hard” or “uncaring” (as you put it) but it’s about being self aware, self responsible and engaging in ongoing self care. You are learning and demonstrating all 3 at an impressive rate. I hope you feel proud of yourself 🙂

As for sharing, same old drill, we are here for you but only share what you feel comfortable sharing and want to divulge. Ultimately, this space on the forums is about you and your healing, and it’s our privilege to talk to you, learn from and with you and be your friend.

Gentle and easy does it...

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Sez,

I wrote an earlier response. It’s not up yet so for now, I just wanted to send some love and care your way.

Thinking of you ❤️

Love, H x H;

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Take care Sez xox love and hugs ❤💜💖💙💚💛💟

[white knight]

Hi Sez,

We are so alike. Triggers, I think yours are more debilitating. I have taken a few verses from other poems I've written, so to make up one for you. I hope you like it. Take care.

THE PIPERS TOOL

As you dry your tears, try letting them fall
There is a labyrinth of life and that’s not all
There are bells from birds that always ring
There is life and what life really brings

And the piper blows his trumpet
And the bees begin to sing
There are drums from the jokers
And there’s flapping of the wings

And so your triggers mount up
And there’s hollow in your words
Let your tears slowly drip my friend
Soaking a beautiful world

And that piper orchestrates another tune
As the seagulls eat your fries
We cradle your loving cheek
In our world, we share our cries

You pick a daisy flower
And pull a petal for each of your woes
Each petal represents
Where you’ve stepped on toes

And when that flower destroyed
Your problems big as a city tower
You think you have enormous issues
But not as many as that flower

And those birds of a colour are bright
Flying around you like on a tether
We are here to listen and cradle
Us birds of a colour flock together

And the butterflies flitter from one flower to the next
As the piper lays down his tool
You are more special than you know
You are you, and you are wonderful....

Tony WK

[Quercus]

Hi Sara,

As usual I figure things out once the drama is over. I think I owe you an apology.

The disagreement you had recently... I suspect my post on Tony's thread (about not caring if my son dresses up and disiking the push for him to be a male rather than just a kid) was the trigger that upset you.

I respected how you said to Pepper (hi Pepper) that although what I said shocked you it was between my husband and I. Because you have actually hit the exact reason why I am so accepting of my son however he is. Because in our family I need to be.

My husband's extended family do don't recognise homosexuality. The recent discussion about marriage equality was a huge problem in our home.

I have good reason biologically to be concerned about my children's risks of mental illness so I am trying to teach my son to accept himself however he is and whatever he enjoys.

That said... I am not pushing him to be or do anything he doesn't want to. I'm just being the one who frowns at my husband when he automatically reacts at my son playing "like a girl". I actually understood a lot of what you wrote... About the bond between father or grandfather and son being a beautiful gift. Because it is.

I think what I wrote sounded like I was pushing for boys and girls to be the same. Which I don't agree with at all. It's just a matter of me being a little pushy in this area to balance out my husband. Because I know that if one day my son feels rejected by his Dad my husband will be devestated by this.

Long story short... I probably should have noticed your distress. And I didn't. I am sorry.

The discussion here made me smile because you truly are a gentle and kind person with a steel backbone 😊. But it also made me sad to see you are struggling.

I hope your break is refreshing and helps you to return to the peaceful mindset you had recently.

Please take good care of yourself.

❤Nat

[Just Sara]

Hi Nat;

There's no reason to apologise or even explain ok. I'm sorry you took my words to heart. Each of us has the right to lead our life as we choose and to pass that on to our kids.

We can't agree with everyone; this is one aspect of BB that's wonderful, it's ok to be an individual and be proud of it.

Thankyou for the nice comments too. Male bonding is a personal issue for me. My son's father had nothing do do with him growing up.

I'd like to write more Nat, but I'm not faring very well today. Emotions are running high as I've forgotten to take my AD again for two consecutive days. Don't know what's happening there, but I need to get onto it.

Hi Tony;

As usual you've graced us with your wonderful way with 'verse'. I appreciate those words and the thought behind them. Truly, thankyou...

Hi SN;

I really appreciate you popping in now and then. I'm sorry I haven't been as attentive with you on your thread. Bit guilty actually, but I'm trying to sort things out on my end and have been for a while. I hope you understand; lub, lub, lub...xo

Hi Pepper;

I'm getting more emotional as I get down the page. I have so much I want to say to you, but I really need to get to the pharmacy for my AD's. Once my mind settles I'll be back.

Your post on the 'Celebrate Multiculture' thread was wonderful. It bought up a lot for me personally. Will get back to you on this later. H x H's xo

Thanks everyone;

Sez xo

[startingnew]

Hi Sez

you have no reason to be sorry or feel guilty at all. you come first xox

also with your meds, have you heard of the app Medisafe? its a really good app for those who forget meds or get abit scrambled. it has alarms and reminders for the times you set say 8am and 8pm etc, as well as refill reminders. its free to download.

love and hugs (also remember to take a few deep breaths when things get abit much) xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez (and all),

It’s always a blessing to hear from you here. I feel just take your time with things; when you’re good and ready.

As Butterfly Wings (Startingnew) said, “you come first.” I hope you managed to pick up your meds, and while we’re on that topic, I personally quite like Wings’ suggestion 🙂 But it’s your call...

Also I’m very happy to hear you got something out of the other post. Thank you 🙂

Sending love and warmth and I’m looking forward to hearing what you wanted to say...

Love always from my heart of hearts,

Pepper xoxo