Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie, Corny~

Well, I guess I've taken a big step,

Sara~ What can I say - thank you.

Dottie~ I hope that grey overcast melts into a blue sky from horizon to horizon.

Corny~The more I stumble over your scatted posts the more I think.

My affection

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi,

Croix, thank you. Short and sweet but heartfelt.

Even though I'll never meet Corny, I'm convinced that she is a lot more insightful than most people I've met.

I mean, I've met heaps of people who claim to be insightful but then fail to deliver. Corny doesn't describe herself as insightful or perceptive very often but I reckon she's the- or one of- the real deals when it comes to insight.

Corny, if you're reading, no one is trying to flatter you- I genuinely mean it. I'm an obnoxious chatterbox but I rarely call anyone insightful because I haven't met many people with that trait. Just my 2 cents.

Sara, I hope you're resting up as you were feeling tired last I heard. Anyways, seeing as you adore Monet, I stumbled upon a book today, "Mad enchantment: Claude Monet and the painting of the water lilies" by Ross King. I've never read it and have no idea what it's about the than, uh, Monet and his water lilies. Thought that you might be interested (or not- either is cool).

Anyways, you all take care!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Good morning Dottie;

I hope this post finds you well or better than well if we're talking about 'hope'.

Isn't it odd how my perception of a chatterbox is wonderful, yet your's seems to require an apology of sorts? It took me a while, but I managed to stop saying sorry in advance just in case I offended; that freedom was/is quite extraordinary.

I've been thinking lately about Monet and why I became enamored by his work. Yes, 'Water Lilly's' is a beautiful reflection of his style, grace and vision. (Thankyou btw for thinking of me) It too took on many guises (although not as neurotic as his haystacks) as he challenged himself to find perfection in that scene.

What drew me to him was a similarity between us; analysis. He found exquisite beauty in a leaf or single strand of hay. He practiced on haystacks because of their complex structure and seemingly inane relevance; representing them like a staunch friend going in to bat for the little guy, turning 'plain Jane' into a rock star! I think you and I have been attempting to find perfection within self doubt, just as Monet did.

Trying to discover the 'master' in me has been thwarted by a lack of self belief and acknowledgment, so maybe you're not an enigma to me after-all.

Monet was a master of visual analysis; being 'in the zone' while experiencing, expressing or creating genius connects us. You seem to be where I was at that age, wondering what that gnawing sensation was in the pit of my gut. I know now, it was me trying to rise to my greatness. You have that genius gene.

I won't apologize for my arrogance; genius is as genius does. 'Be the Ball' Dottie; without guilt or fear. It's scary as Hell recovering from those 'words' of past role models (the bad one's) rolling around our minds, but...

We shall overcome...

Love you much...

Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Well, chatterbox or not, you've managed to put a different spin on my offhand comment about my bad habits ha, ha. I guess my offhand comments are part self deprecating humour and part defence mechanism. I'll save everyone the hassle by pointing out some of my flaws before anyone can have a go at me- beat everyone to it.

You obviously relate to Monet's work as well as his analytical approach. I don't know too much about Monet but I have seen some of his artwork in books. You both seem to have an eye for detail, beauty in its many guises and a craving for perfection.

As you have said before, you're recalibrating. I hope you find all that you're seeking within yourself. Sara being the master of Sara is a new concept- I'm sure you're rising to the occasion. A work in progress.

Thank you. In saying that, there's much in my gene pool but I'm pretty sure genius is not one of them (resisting every urge to make a joke about this).

I'll let you rise to the occasion while I'm still figuring life out.

Love ya too.

Dottie xxx

P.S. Is it just Monet or do you like Impressionism in general?

P.P.S. I personally like Salvador Dali and M.C. Escher.

[Just Sara]

Morning Dottie;

That was a really nice post D-Girl! You're on the ball as usual, though I could still say one girl's (self confessed) bad habit is another's treasure trove. I'm concerned that beating everyone to the punch with self deprecating humour alludes to unrealistic expectations. I can't imagine anyone other than jealous friends wanting to do this to you.

Everyone at some stage has a 'stroke of genius' to share; some more than others. I cry when those I care about don't recognize (damn US spellcheck!) their own greatness. I did the other night with a friend, but that's more about me I suppose.

As far as impressionism is concerned, yes; those artists pushed boundaries to exhibit the subconscious in all its glory. With Monet though, I 'felt' him. It's similar to how you perceive music; a deep connection that can't really be explained through mere words. Though you and Croix do a bang up job!

I once spoke to the drummer of a visiting band during their break about his role being the most important. His rhythm and bass drum representing the heart beat...giving 'life' to their music. That's what people on a dance floor respond to...primal instinct. He was shocked, but gave me a nice smile and nodded his head.

I was knocked to the floor by a drunk that night, and the drummer left his kit mid song to come rushing to my aid. I knew then he'd 'heard' me.

So even though it might be difficult to hear good things about yourself, it does sink in. They're those life giving seeds in the middle of an apple. Little brown seemingly innocuous things, thrown away with the core after eating.

Anyway, I'm finding those seeds within myself one day at a time, and exploring the positive comments I've heard and ignored all my life. One day you'll do the same...I just know it!

Lub lub lub...

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

My Dear Sara~

Subduedblues' posts have affected us both deeply. I think he did a very great thing. If the power of it helps you in your worst times to bridge the gap between intention and continuing on instead it will be pain turned to blessing.

Croix

[Just Sara]

You're perceptive and correct as usual Croix;

I've known you're another sensitive soul since you first wrote to me. SB's words are powerful, grief stricken and very descriptive...bloody tragic.

So yes, he's helped me to face my flawed sense of humanity. This has challenged me beyond boundaries of previous assumptions. Time for introspection, courage and truth...

Not all apple seeds are positive one's that promote growth, some are rotten and need to be discarded.

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Pity I can't be perceptive about myself

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

My previous post to you was incomplete. I managed to give myself a rather large trigger replying to Subduedblues. I saw your reaction & started to talk about the possible effect of that thread on you in case you were in a bad place, but was unable go on or to say the effect on me - the words were not there.

I'm coping now, my wife took me to the movies. The incident I referred to there is the worst I have in my repertoire of horribles (and I may never be able to talk of it - I don't know).

I guess I should have had more sense and not gone there, life is a learning experience (:

Croix

[Just Sara]

Good morning Croix;

Triggers of this magnitude come every now and then for me. Reading SB's words was as simple as; "Oh, SB's got a new thread. Might have a read."

So for you it was probably as simple as this. We can't gauge our response prior to posts; once into that world, it's difficult to stop reading. I'm glad you and your wife went to the movies. They're great escapism sometimes, especially when you have a loved one with you.

Since you started posting, I've had clues here and there re your PTSD and experiences. It's no wonder you were triggered! Please don't be too concerned about me ok? My triggers are the most valuable recovery tool I have. I post how I feel to help others understand what I go thru in case they feel similarly. So thankyou for caring, I really appreciate it.

Yes, it challenged me to my core. I'm learning and growing from it, even as I write. I know you're a strong man; you're still here and that's what counts. The fact you're talking about sharing your pain gives hope. If you do write about things, I'm here ok. I'm always here for you in any way I can.

PTSD is 'known' to me. It doesn't matter the events, just the responses...the beliefs we create to survive. Those beliefs can be changed, and therefore change our 'perceptions' and self knowledge. Once this occurs, the 'doing' comes...life changes.

Becoming a CC will challenge you, and as this occurs you'll change as a matter of course. I know you're up for it Cross...

Lean on me, when you're not strong, I'll help you carry on...for, it won't be long, you have somebody to lean on...

With you all the way...

Sara xoxo