Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Cornstarch]

Sparkie we still have along way to go, especially outside of city centres, but we have come a long way.

My niece's male school principal wore to the end of year school concert a very, 'normal' corporate suit and tie, with a pair of bright, bright red Dorothy sequined shoes.

And androgynous women are so totally hot don't get me started.

And as for you Miss androgynous Sara Conna re: not being dead from the waist below me thinks Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson agree with you whole heartedly.

[Just Sara]

Good morning Corny, D Girl, Sparky and Wishful;

So yesterday I had a great post ready to go, and the 'system error' blasted it out of the water well and truly! A whole day of actually having to speak with physical people...new concept? lol

First off, would any of you consider applying to become Youth Community Champions? Dottie/Corn-girl; you guys are on here doing it anyway. The only difference is you'd be supported by/supporting our small group of volunteers and wear the badge on your profile.

You already have recommendations from CC's, but the app's have to come from you. If you send a request to Chris B (via 'email' under the search bar top of page) he'll get back to you with the details. Good luck!

Sparky - identifying as Bi has taken me a while to absorb. Your sexual/gender identity intrigues me. I've not heard of it before and wonder if you'd up-date me on some info. Corny mentioned 'androgynous' in her post, is this relevant?

I'm so tired guys...I've only been up for 45 min's but have lost that lovin' feelin'. I wish I'd saved my post from yesterday, it said all I felt and more.

I might crawl back into my bed to get some more Z's.

Hugs...Sara xoxo

[Wilma1]

Dottie, I just found the cake. Yum. Thank you. Wishful

[Wilma1]

I second and third the votes for young community champions. Hope you consider it seriously . Sara, I had the same problem with the error reading. Have a good sleep, maybe you'll get back that lovin feeling. Wishful

[Cornstarch]

Sara I am confused, is it flattering or am I a delinquent, in my wayward youth who didn't have a childhood. A barman last week made the same judgment, asked to see my birth barcode, and then wet himself.

There is nothing about my gene pool that should continue, it should all be annihilated off the face of the planet, except I am happy to keep the youthful looks gene.

I am flattered for the 'youth' bit Miss Machine Gun, keep it up until my 80th OK.

[Just Sara]

Ok sickly as molasses Sweetcorn...I don't know how old you are ok? You seem youthful and daring...not like a delinquent either lol. I remember reading somewhere you're a hippie? I didn't know it was literal!

So feel flattered instead. I bet you're smoking hot anyway, miss machine gun girl perv. Ha ha...

Apply as a conventional CC then; it doesn't have to be a Youth CC. Stop bustin' my bum and just do it already! How old are you anyway now we're on the subject? 50? (Ooh I'm cheeky)

Hey Wishful...thanks for the well wishes! I got some sleep and woke refreshed. More lovin' to go around...

...Dearest Dottie, please don't feel left out, I'm in a hurry and Creamed Corn is bustin my chops with pedantic's (sigh)

Anyhoo...gotta go and fill my med scripts. Just popped in to say 'hi'

Sharing the lurve...Sara xoxo

[sparkvark]

Yo yo no problemo Sara.

The term means different things to different people, so I'll preface this by saying that I definitely don't speak for anyone else and am only talking about what it means to me.

For me, it means that I don't identify 100% as the sex I was assigned at birth (the "trans" part of the word) and I lean towards a masculine identity. I've seen it used as a term that could apply to binary female-to-male transgender people, or to non-binary or genderfluid or people regardless of assigned sex at birth.

I'd consider androgyny (as an identity, not as a gender expression) to be similar to non-binary to an extent, but it's not a word I'd use to describe myself. Some transmasculine people are male in identity and wouldn't consider themselves to be androgynous. Some transmasculine non-binary people might consider themselves to be. Everyone's different.

Clear as mud? I hope that gives a bit of explanation but let me know if you'd like more info on anything in particular.

Bummer about the loss of the giant post. That always seems to happen at the most inconvenient times. Glad you got some sleep and I hope the rest of your day was good. 🙂

Cornstarch that principal sounds pretty awesome. It's great when people are in an environment where they can be themselves, and I admire his courage in wearing those shoes regardless of the reasons he picked them. You're right that progress is gradually coming along.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

It's super frustrating when you've found the right words but technology decides to fail you in that moment. Damn it.

Aw thanks, it's very thoughtful and flattering that you would suggest that 😊 I'm not sure...my 1st exam is next week so I'll have a think about the YCC/CC idea afterwards. Thanks again.

I hope you managed to get some more sleep this morning.

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Wishful,

Lovely to see you here again!

Glad you enjoyed the cake ha, ha. And thanks for the support...I'll think about it after my exams. No promises but I'll have a think.

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

Hey Sara,

You're a trickster, great to see you having fun. There was some other bi-sexual connex or event I saw advertised, and I could have pointed you in the right direction, but I'm feeling a little mellow, dazed and confused this evening.

Had a very intense appointment this arvo with my Head Doctor, bringing all the trauma to the surface again, and you asked how old I am? tonight I am 5.

Depending on the outcome this week re: Leader of the 'Free' World, I will remain on planet earth a while longer or I will exit via my spaceship accordingly.

Did you listen to Tara Brach?