Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus

Jacarandas are my favourite trees. I planted them at my previous home but not sure if they survived after I left. Had to cover them every winter until they got tall enough to be above the frost. Sadly there is no room in my garden for any trees. I have a back garden of about 10x10 metres. However I have been watching a British TV program called Big Ideas/Small Gardens and it's given me some ideas on high to give height to the garden, an extra dimension and I'm getting quite excited. Tried Sturt's Desert Pea but with no luck. I will stick with what I know.

Not ready to get down and dirty yet but my gardener man comes next week and we can have deep and meaningfuls about my ideas. I have decided I want a water feature but need to check out having a small solar panel to run it. Cost of running a cable would cost more than I can afford I think. Can you send me some bougainvillea cuttings please.😊 I want to plant them against the back fence where next door's cat gets in and hopefully stop him. No? Ah well I will have to scrounge from someone else.

I am having a garden with whatever coloured plants I can get to grow and look good. It's more about creating some shade without blocking the sun to the plants that need it.

GP now saying it's polymyalgia which is a catch-all diagnosis. So long as it goes away I don't care what its called.

I have ordered a collection of David Austin roses. Gertrude Jekyll, Cymbeline, Jude the Obscure and Munstead Wood. Now how about that for making me look knowledgable. Cymbeline is a small climber and the other three are bushes. Bare rooted and will not arrive until middle of June. Gives me time to decide where to plant them.

You asked me about meditation and I have neglected to talk about this. Meditation is a recognised practice which works on the amygdala (I think) and helps to keep emotions in manageable check. That's a brief overview. I meditate because it helps me stay a lot more clam that would be case if I relied on my own strength. I practice Christian Meditation because for me this makes sense. It has been practised for thousands of years, but then so have other forms of meditation. It's not about visualising anything or losing oneself in music or anything like that.

I sit upright eyes lightly closed. Brief music followed by a period of silence when I say my mantra in my head, not out loud. Then the music brings me out again. I have CDs with varying lengths of silence.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

Oh Mary I'm thankful for your post. I can talk about gardens all day and feel well.

Thinking of meditiation I thought I had a sort of meditation technique that worked for me. Yesterday I spent the whole day baking in the sun digging out prickly acacia to burn. And raking up leaves and sticks. Block out the world and just work and work. The kids were happy in their sandpit in the shade and were quiet for once except to ask for more food and drinks. And then I realised I had spent the entire day without drinking or eating and I felt sick.

All I achieved was exhausting myself and have just spent the morning yelling at the kids to be quiet. Sigh. I keep trying to keep busy to not dwell on thoughts again. When I stop all I can think is how much longer do I have to do this?

I know the thoughts are just there on the edge of my mind. Waiting for a weakness. I have them at bay and then the kids scream and whinge and complain and grab at me and I feel the bloody cracks forming in the box that's marked suicidal thoughts.

I'm sorry. Please don't worry I am safe. I have people to ask if I need to send the kids away. I'm just tired and angry. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow and will ask him to up my meds. I'm anxious about work on Friday. It's always like this. The dread sets in and I want quiet which I can't have with small kids.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Quercus,

Sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I cant remember what your support system is like. Do you have anyone you can leave the kids with for a little while or daycare or anything like that so you can get a little me time??

What is causing you concern going back to work if you don't mind me asking ? Are you able to look at it as a positive thing ?/ Sorry lots of questions and if you don't feel like replying that's ok. I was just catching up on your thread and wanted you to know you have my support also.

Its good you are seeing psych tomorrow - use him as your sounding board and let it all out - that's what they're there for. I also posted a reply to you, telling you not to worry about me , as you have your own stuff so don't write back and tell me not to worry because that's what we do here right? Besides you are an awesome person with strength you don't realize you have. I f I had to mind 2 young kids with the issues you have I don't know that I would cope as well

Just remember- one foot in front of the other. No one to impress. Just you being you doing the best that you can do on any given day. Any day that I can get out of bed is a good day and any extras are a bonus and before I know it I have had a good day.

Take care

Stressless

[Quercus]

Hi Stressless,

Thanks for writing to me even though you're struggling too. I saw your reply thanks I'm just a bit drained at the moment and didn't really have anything useful to say.

I'm just holding out for my appointment tomorrow. I'm sure he'll up the meds and the thoughts will back off again. But I'm just tired of it all today.

Work. Yeah. I don't really know where to start. I'm resigned to staying until I feel stable. Then I can assess what I'm going to do. My work is chaos. Crowds of people. Rush and chaos. I hate it. I'll be fine once I get there. Put on the mask. Smile and act. And hope I can keep myself together until the shift ends. I think that's my worry. I have had a few shifts where I've had a meltdown in front of other staff. Am kind of dreading it happening again. Oh well. There are positives I get away from the kids for a bit. I like the other staff. It pays well. That's about it.

Sorry. I'm a bit of a sad sack today. Not really helpful to others reading. It will be ok.

Hope you're ok too.

[The_Abyss]

Hi Quercus

I think we all get a bit edgy leading up to our appointments. It's this unknown entity that we build up in our minds, and yet it rarely goes to script. It's that unknown that can set us off. Perhaps that's also why work is doing the same. The added potential embarrassment would also be having an effect, but once again it is never as bad as we imagine it. As stessless says, focus on the good, the known, the bits you have control over.

I was envious of your day in the garden. I remember those days where I could loose myself in an activity to the point if missing meals. Where I was so bone tired at the end of the day that I slept for all the right reasons. Where the sore muscles in the days that followed remind me of the day of blissful energy expenditure in the sunshine were salve to the soul. Park your mind back to that day, and roll with the blows.

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow and with the kids until then.

TA

[White_Rose]

Dear Quercus

I am so sad you are not feeling well. It's OK to spend all day in garden so long as you at least drink. If gardening is helpful, why not spend your time doing this. It keeps your thoughts under control and gives you a sense of achievement whenever you conquer a tricky bit. I think being totally immersed in doing something such as gardening is more mindfulness than meditation, but so what? Whatever helps is good.

I hope you are going to talk about this with the psych tomorrow. I expect a full report.😊 No, only joking.

I'm not sure how you will feel about this at the moment. Someone who was posting here a while back has returned and is pretty fed up with everything. I have resumed my conversation with her and I wonder if you are up to adding your comments. Please don't do it just because I asked. You need to feel well enough.

The post is in Depression/How to move forward/ Pelayn. You have a way of writing that is very comforting for others and I think Julie needs some of this. Read the thread and see if you have enough energy. If not, no worries. I don't want you to fall over because of this. (and add to my guilt). Talk to your psych first.

Please take good care of yourself. You know we worry even though you say there is no need. It's not because of what you may or may not do. It seems that is largely behind you. We just get concerned because you are so low and it's not a nice place to be.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

You look out for others, me included, I appreciate you doing that, and if I sometimes struggle to do a post it helps.

As for having a 'dream' anything, maybe there might be a grain of truth in some of it, when things are not as you'd wished or hoped or believed, but that's OK. Dealing with the difference is difficult. We all do have expectations though.

Without belittling all you have to bear in one way you do seem to have a dream, having a husband who understands. I know exactly how great a thing that is as I am blessed with a wife like that, and before that my late wife, who was the same.

The noise and stress and threat of work, must be horrible, particularly not knowing if you will have another melt-down. Does not mean the meltdown will happen, you change and grow.

I'm getting too serious so instead I'll thank you for your magpies in:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

When I first came to Australia as a lad I heard them in the early morning (and nearly freaked). Still remember it clearly.

Croix

[CMF]

Hey Quercus,

good luck with your appt and I hope you get through work ok. It is a break from the kids I guess. I'm glad you have some support and a good hubby.

Take care

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

I've replied to you all on your threads tonight to say thank you. I really appreciated all of your replies today. A new day tomorrow so I'll just try again 😊

Hi Mary,

I will look at the thread you've suggested tomorrow I need to get to sleep tonight. No worries I like the idea of you thinking I might be a help to someone. That's a good feeling.

I didn't respond to your diagnosis. No idea what that is but as long as it means they can help you that's what matters. How are you feeling? Did you end up trying the TENS machine?

Roses. Ah. Believe it or not roses are one of my least favourite plants. I bought my first and only rose last month (it's a climber called Souvineer de la Malmaison or something like that). When my sister and I did our nursery crawl (like a pub crawl for plant nuts) we went to a nursery where the owner suggested roses by ones you enjoyed the smell of. Weird but amazing. He suggested this one to me and I think it smells like heaven. So I have one rose to my name and no plans for any more 😊

Anyway thank you for continuing to be here for me Mary. I feel very lucky to have you in my corner.

Hope to hear you are in a good place and up to gardening again soon.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Quercus,

Just a quick note to say good luck today. All of those questions you bring up about self worth are things as you know I am at a loss to deal with so maybe you'll get some ideas today and we can compare notes.

Take Care

Stressless