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Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

1,301 Replies 1,301

Hi everyone 😊

I'm very humbled to read the posts from the last few days.

CMF, Ross, Fiasco, Annie45, Mary, Paul, Croix, Stressless, The Abyss

I was tempted to fill the flowers for pearls thread with an individual thanks to each of you. 😊

It means a lot to me that even amongst your own worries that you've all taken the time to write to me here (or reach out on your own threads even while struggling TA and Stressless).

My heartfelt thanks to you all.

Mary...​ this is perfect. Exactly the words I need today. Thankyou.

we are so filled with desire, for happiness, for success, for wealth, for power, whatever it may be, that we are always imagining ourselves as we might be. So rarely do we come to know ourselves as we are and to accept our present position. But traditional wisdom tells us: know that you are and that you are as you are.

Tonight I'm going to go rest. My day has ended well. Hubby poured me a bath and made me a cup of tea and while I soaked told me he hasn't been in my shoes. He doesn't understand what it means to dread my workplace. He hasn't ever truly felt anxious. He said it's not right for him to ask me to suck it up because of the pay if it's making me feel worse.

I told him that is all I needed to know. I've decided to just wait for now and slowly look for something else. But I really really needed to hear that it was my choice. That I had a choice.

The relief is immense. And the love for my husband.

So I'm off to sleep now I'm calm again. I am thinking of you all though and hoping that tomorrow is an easier day for everyone 😊

That must have been so good to receive hubby's support. Whether you stay or move on doesn't matter, but having hubby's support is priceless.

May the day be good to you

TA

Dear Quercus

I am so pleased those words meant something to you. I hesitated before posting because I did not want you to take it in a way I had not intended. Even after I pressed send I was nervous, but I see all is well.

What a terrific end to your day yesterday. I have said it before so excuse me if I repeat myself. Your husband is a lovely man. And I think you two are together because you are also wonderful. Just shows what talking can do.😊

Saw my psych and GP yesterday. No wonder I was tired at the end. Got my blood test results which show the inflammation has reduced by nearly half although way above normal. I'm getting there. Had a different anti-inflammatory pill to stop the nausea etc and one to help heal the damage from the previous anti-inflammatory. Best of all my pain is reducing, more so after a visit to my physio. I'm back on the road.

This is where I give my thanks to all of you for supporting me. This is truly a wonderful place.

Mary

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Quercus,

I am so happy for you.

You said "I told him that is all I needed to know. I've decided to just wait for now and slowly look for something else. But I really really needed to hear that it was my choice. That I had a choice."

Isn't it amazing how when we feel supported and have the choices our mindset changes, we don't make rash decisions and we think about things differently? We make the decision with more clarity.

So happy for you my friend.

cmf x

Hi everyone 😊

Hi TA!

What a nice surprise! How are you feeling? Hope you're being gentle on yourself. Did you manage to get your course changed like you were trying to? I hope you've managed to reduce some of your workload so you can focus on feeling better.

You're right about hubby's support. All the drama after the appointment was being triggered by feeling trapped and controlled. Bought me back to a bad place. Just by him acknowledging I'm free to choose I felt so much relief.

Am thinking of you and I hope you are taking care of yourself and that today is a good day for you 😊

Hi Mary,

You needn't have worried. Those words were exactly right. It's funny when I read them I felt very calm. I really should look into meditation can't say I know much about it. Does it help you a lot?

I'm really pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better. I wonder what caused it all. Has your GP considered sending you to a rheumatologist if its inflammatory based? Might be worth the second opinion. I was surprised once I got a medication that worked how quickly my pain was managed.

Yes I am blessed. I think the psychiatrist thought I was a bit loopy when I called hubby my soulmate but I truly believe it. We're not perfect by any means but somehow we just work together.

And hello CMF (I haven't forgotten you 😊),

You totally get it! Freedom and independence make all the difference in the world even if they don't change how you act.

By the way completely feeling you about little one going to school. Mr 3 goes to kindy next year and I'm a bit teary already and we haven't even had to start organising his uniforms or anything.

As much as I complain I think I'd rather be spelling the names of the dogs from Paw Patrol than giving "the talk" and warning them about sending anyone nude pics of themselves on snapchat haha.

Hello Quercus

Thanks for your concern about me. Yes, it's good to lose much of the pain. The psychiatrist I see feels the inflammation could be in response to stress. I saw my GP in the week and we talked about this. She looked up her records to see when I first talked about the pain and it was one week after I discovered something really distressing, and I do mean big time. So the psych may be right. GP thinks it could be the result of a virus although the tests don't show anything. I think it's likely to be a combination of both. Maybe I was upset enough to lower my immune system. Who knows, at least it's going away. If it is stress then I suspect it will return unless I learn to manage my stress better.

It makes a huge difference when someone trusts that when you say you feel unwell that it's the truth even though there are few or no signs. This of course is the problem with mental illness, it doesn't show. I lost 22kg when I became depressed and the only comments were how good it was to see me lose weight. Well yes, but I did it by living on the smell of next door's cooking.

I have just ordered some roses and a couple of other plants from a nursery in Victoria. I like their philosophy of maintaining the old flowers and vegetables rather than breeding the new plants that can be transported long distances and arrive in good condition even though they do not taste as nice. We really need to buy local produce which goes to market a few miles away and to live with eating seasonal vegetables and fruits instead of having them all year. Anyway my garden make over has begun with moving plants out of pots or from areas where they do not thrive. I am beginning to see how it will all come together, at least I think so.

My snowflake tree is in bloom at the moment and looks amazing. The leaves and flowers are so soft and it really looks as though the whole tree is covered in a mound of snow. Even the baby tree has blossoms. If you want to see one search for Snowflake tree Brisbane. All these trees are flowering and it's great. Then it will be waiting time to see the Jacaranda trees in bloom in October. They are so beautiful.

Decided I must go shopping, one of my least favourite jobs. I'm not really interested in cooking and what I want for Christmas is one of those dispensers they have on Star Trek where you can order what you like and it appears in seconds. And best of all, no need to wash up, just recycle. How does that match growing traditional plants?

Mary

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Quercus and Mary~

Some of the things you both write ring a bell with me - being believed is one. This is an incredible boost. I have a compete suite of problems that have no direct physical cause and I can well remember years ago trying to convince a GP that those problems were major and very debilitating. Lack of belief or minimizing them caused me a great feelings of frustration an of no self worth. At times I wondered if I was imagining it all - a bit like imagining a broken leg and just as silly:).

A change of GP and acceptance came as an overwhelming relief. On the same tack I guess one shouldn't be surprised at the extent the mind dictates how the body reacts -so a decrease in the immune system seems perfectly feasible.

I'm very glad your pain is reduced Mary -and also that your GP keeps good records. Lets hope things get better still.

One of my weak points Quercus is realizing how many people don't feel in control, so I'm delighted your husband was supportive and understanding. It's funny but feeling coerced may be less about needing the money and more about others' attitudes. Either way I guess seeing another with a soulmate makes me smile.

Croix

Hi Mary 😊

I liked your post thank you for brightening up my day. Well the stress and pain isn't a positive but the way you seem more hopeful is. Have you had a diagnosis yet? Are you feeling ok? I hope ordering plants means you're able to get out in your garden and get your hands dirty 😊

There is nothing I would rather do than be in my garden all day. I hope you're well enough to enjoy yours.

Yesterday I divided some grasses and set up some seed pots for plants that my sister wants (she is starting a garden from scratch what a joy!). My bouganvillea cuttings have all filled the pots with roots hooray. And it's time for burning off at the block. All in all a lot of joy to be had.

Ahhh Jacarandas 😊 I've planted a row of 12 down one side of the block. One day they will be beautiful! And my Sturt Desert Pea is going nuts flowering at the wrong time of year! It is stunning you can see the bright red from so far away. I've planted more seed. I love the colour red. I'm having one garden that is all red. The other is purple and yellow 😊. My neighbours will either love it or hate it but I couldn't care less.

I'm with you about growing our own foods and buying local. The third garden is an orchard with every plant I could find haha. I got a handful of organic goji berries and grew some bushes. I'm trying to find a jujube but noone seems to have them.

What kind of roses did you buy?

Sorry Mary I'm waffling... Am really nervous about going back to work on Friday. I know as it gets closer the dread will set in. Just want to stay in my garden and block out the world for a while.

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Croix,

How are you feeling? I saw elsewhere the problem you were waiting to resolve was still happening. I'm sorry. Are you keeping your spirits up? I hope your soulmate and Sumo cat are taking good care of you 😊.

Yes I feel you about wondering if you were making things up. I burst into tears when my rheumatologist told me my diagnosis at last and took me seriously. It had been years of pain pain pain and doubt from others. I wondered constantly if it was just in my head even though I couldn't walk up a single step. Hubby's repsonse was the same the relief at him accepting my anxiety and fear walking into work is real for me and affects me.

Not sure what I'm going to do about work to be honest. I'll just have to muddle through for now we need the income. It will be ok.

Thank you for your reply even in your own worry and stress.