Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I will.I'm so drained.I'll never know for sure if he has aspergers but he has all the traits. He is never going to change so i have to deal with this forever. I used to think when he finishes the house he'll change. When he moves out he'll change etc but he won't.I'll always be on eggshells in case he blows up, always chasing him up for things.He's never going to 'get it'. Things will never click. Have a few other things on my mind too. Feel a bit sick about it all. So drained.

[velvetfaerie]

Don’t play chess with pigeons.

[CMF]

hahaha yeah cos they will crap all over it and walk around like they won...or something like that.

Can i copy and paste the thread that was closed off into this one, I don't know. I'm tired and confused.

[velvetfaerie]

Surely you can.

im the same. So tired I can’t regulate myself anymore.

[CMF]

If it's not aspie its adhd. All i know is it is something.

[CMF]

Just got an email re a job I applied for;

A representative will be in contact in the next day to hold a short phone screen and will advise you in writing within 24 hours if you have been selected for an interview.Interviews will be held by end of Friday the 16th.

It's a job I'm not really keen on. As soon as i applied i realised it's not really what i want.

[velvetfaerie]

One day at a time.

[CMF]

Yeah. I'm probably the only applicant, i did it yesterday. It's retail, a new shoe store that's opened. in the shopping centre i go to.They have other stores. I applied as I knew i would have a good chance but not sure i want retail again, especially shoes plus i know what it is like com xmas time etc, they want you to do so many extra hours. Also, i don't see many people in the store. I enjoy retail but not there. Prefer something bigger, more people not just 1 or 2 girls. I'm concerned they could close down. I'd much prefer some of the others i applied for which may be hiring in a month or so.

[velvetfaerie]

I guess if you get the offer, you don’t need to accept it. Look at the process as experience?

[CMF]

Yeah getting way to ahead of myself. Maybe I'm just freaking out that I got a response. It's strange, the ad said part time but then said casual, temporary, part time. It's in a shopping centre, used to be a clothes shop, then a different clothes shop, now a shoe shop. That particular store one keeps changing which mAkes me nervous. I want stability.

AnywY, see what happens. I did specify school hours but they may not be able to offer what I want. I was hesitant when I applied, not really what I want. Some of the others may be hiring next few months which are closer to home. Beggars can't be choosers but I don't want to take it then leave if something else comes through. I'm confused, too much happening in the last week. Feeling quite weird and insecure about things at the moment and think hormones are not helping.