Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

Well I can tell you after returning to work even a little... Work is a very very good thing for Mums. Independence. Self esteem. Adult conversations. Challenge and stimulation. Change of routine. Keep trying CMF I am with you totally.

That said... Finding work with kids and making it fit...that is bloody hard work! And competitive because all mums seem to be in the same boat. I'm with Velvet... How about volunteering a few hours a week just to get experience and your face known.

Or look into physical jobs. For some reason around here people seem too lazy to apply for jobs that involve hot physical unglamorous work (think gardening, cleaning etc) so the employers are grateful for hard workers and more flexible with hours. You'll get there CMF. Have faith in yourself 😊

[velvetfaerie]

The chick who annoyed me this am I mentioned earlier here regarding the volunteering thing.

apparently she found that offensive.

You, CMF, have a great attitude. You are taking steps and giving things a go. I’m proud of you.

People who make constant excuses as to why they can’t do/try whatever drive me up the WALL.

v.

[CMF]

Thanks my friends,

Nat I'd actually enjoy physical work. It's expends a lot of nervous energy. I did look int house cleaning but the reviews put me off. Some people said they were expected to clean cat and dog poo and I don't think that is nice to leave for someone else to do. I'm also not comfortable being in people's homes when they are not there. But it's ok, there are many options.

Velvz, volunteering is a good idea. I may look into that down the track if nothing comes along. To be honest i haven't had a lot of free time since the kids all went off to school. Between still organising school things and dropping of resumes I've been quite busy.

Anyway, i will just keep applying and stay positive.

Thanks for the encouragement my friends.

xxx

[CMF]

hey guys,

I'm really agitated an have taken quite a few steps backwards. My head is spinning and i just want to cry. I started a new thread;

Relationship and family issues / Am I making things more difficult then they need to be? Your thoughts are appreciated.

[velvetfaerie]

Been reading other thread but have to reply here.

AS? Autism?

V.

[CMF]

Hi V,

Sorry friends and moderators. Wasn't sure wether to start a new thread but continuing here is good. Thank you ☺

Asbergers perhaps. He has ALOT of those traits. I've always known i needed to learn ways to accept his beviour and deal with it but I'm looking at it differently now. I could never suggest it to him, he would flip. It makes alot of sense. Under the behavious i listed i could give numerous examples of things he's done. Maybe i need to change my approach as he just does not see things and the way he behaves.

I feel a bit weird.i dont want to speculate or generalise but it is quite possible given his behaviour last 6/7 years. I was always trying to work out why, it just makes sense. Ive alwzys said his behaviour is not the norm.

[velvetfaerie]

That’s the thing isn’t it? Is it sincere MH / syndrome with some people? Or are they just despicable?......Or do they try to mirror traits so to have an excuse to be that way?

**shrug**

[CMF]

With him I believe he really does have something. Had lunch my other bestie today. She has 1 son with autism and 1 aspire. Mentioned it to her and she reminded me that a few years ago she asked me if he could be on the spectrum. She also picked up on it.

blaaaahhhh. Feel sick.

[CMF]

Feeling a little deflated. What if i can't find a job, ,maybe i am kidding myself.

[velvetfaerie]

Don’t give up. Keep pushing.