Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I just read;

I needed that hurt.

Crazy how pain makes you refocus. 

I thought it said crazy how pain makes you ferocious 😂 

[randomxx]

Hi there quirk

l'm sorry really to hear that quirk  .

With gf, l'm not sure if your familiar but it's been about her health you see. She has huge anxiety and depression and has been hell and back last 10yrs or so with v serious legal and divorce problems, visas, courts. Unfortunately this is all why she feels she can't cope with a relationship now, she feels she can't even cope for herself any more.

But personally, even so , l don't understand if the love is truly there as it does seem to be, how anyone could walk way.

For cm there's been so many m questions so long and contradictions, just thought it might help figure some of it out if you were interested but l can sure understand you having had enough of it all too.

The fact he says he loves your honesty yet with what it was saying and about, shows he still has no clue. V strange man that fella

Hope you get to do those plans tomorrow or in Sundays to come.

[CMF]

Quirky,

The way your partner treats you is due to issues he has with himself  not you.  I'm sad to hear you need to live with this. Do you think it is due to his upbringing?

M says he is emotionless cos he was brought to deal with things by moving on. His dad taught him if something doesn't work out...just move on. He saw his mum put up with his dad's behaviour too. He wasn't bad but he did what he wanted. M was actually a little scared of his dad, as was I. M told me when his ex left he listened to alot of podcasts as he wanted to work on improving himself. He stopped after we started going out. I guess he thought he was good enough cos he had little me again. The one who always loved him. He said he wasn't a good partner to me & shouldn't have needed to try & be better.  He should have wanted to be better. Instead he took me for granted.  Anyway,  he clearly won't be doing that again. I am going to keep working on looking good, enjoying my own company & space. He probably thinks I'm here crying over him. Well I'm not. No more time or tears for him. Despite everything he's said & done I am still not enough. No one will be enough cos as I told him, when he gets what he says he wants he wants something else. I hope my words make him reflect on himself & see what he is. 3 people have said he sounds a little bit narcissistic. Charming but self entitled & thinks he's great & only cares about his wants. 

Oh well. I hope I sleep peacefully tonight.

[CMF]

You know, the day we broke up we were sitting on a park.  I walked away. I was sitting on my front verandah, head down, in tears. When he came to his car he would have seen me but just drove off & went to see the movie we had booked.  He actually told me he was waiting for me to go back to the park.  HE sat there waiting for ME to go back.  He couldn't come to me, he saw me sitting on the verandah & he drive off. WTH 🤣

[CMF]

I messaged this morning to tell him I'd be out so he had opportunity to get the bike. He did 🙏. I realise by backlash may have come out of left field for him ie I was already feeling defeated & prepared for his responses. O well. He's done enough to deserve it. I was out & about all day. It was nice but had a little meltdown in the car as I saw on my security camera he had collected the bike.  I have been going over & over the messsges in my head.  Was I too harsh, did he deserve it & I realised another thing. I was NOT going to sit in front of him AGAIN & hear how wonderful I am but...

Rx, you mentioned that he probably hasn't been looking or been out with anyone but this is where what you say can make or break. He could have said we aren't on the same page & he doesn't want to comit to anyone or anything whether casual or otherwise. If he did,  i could have made a decision whether to continue or not...but he didn't. He clearly said ok, I want to keep my options open. So he is prepared to meet up with other people if they come along & explore possibilities. He said he's ok with doing this while still seeing me. That is what his messages Said. I asked him to clarify this & he said yes. It's possible he was planning to pull the plug anyway, maybe that's why he wanted to meet face to face. As I said, he's been different but was still here 2 weeks ago saying & doing everything.  The thing is he said YES to doing all these things with me & having options. I don't know if he realised he stuffed up or where he stuffed up but i don't care.  Everything with him causes me pain. I am no longer just an option for him. I am done with being hurt by him, over & over.  I'm hurting. I'm hurting cos I hurt him with my words but I could not keep this inside anymore. It was the straw that broke the camel's back  😥

[randomxx]

Hiya cm and sorry about everything once again.

But yeah , l would've thought that until recently but tbh sorry to say l've felt a shift in him just of late and him starting to open up to the possibility of you both moving on and other people. So he's reply to all this and your message, things he said, sorry to say but that all just confirmed it.

l mean don't know the man it's just been feelings coming through until this last few days could've been wrong but now with things you've said here this wk yeah,l go with what l've been feeling from him. l think he's been thinking about the future of late and knowing this will be ending soon.

Maybe not a relationship God knows but to new possibilities.

[CMF]

Yeah, something def felt different & I just didn't trust him. I can't believe hecwas ok with keeping his options open & still doing all these things with me. That's what hurts. He was prepared to keep using me till the time came to do it with someone else. For Xmas he gave me a gift that was very intimate & personal. What did he think? I was gonna keep when he moved on? I actually yaped it to the bike to show him he could get f_____. I found it in my bin when I got home which I expected. I didn't care. I can't believe we have ended up like this. He has always had an attraction to me. Our boys were in high school together. We were both a parent teacher interviews. Him with his wife with whom he'd just reconciled ,& me with 3 kids. He'd been checking me out think I was a hot mum, not realising it was me. I didn't notice him at all. I then sat right next to him, that's when he realised it was me. When we got together we laughed about it. He said he wished he could have given me his number right there.  The whole story of us reuniting is like a fairytale & it has come down to this. There was no way I was gonna meet with him today to listen to his crap again. To feel used again.  To be hurt by him again. I hope he is hurting now as much as he has hurt me so many times 💔 

[CMF]

He's always been attracted to me. Why? Even after we broke up last year & we met for coffee. He said the minute he saw me we was so attracted to me. That's how this all started. The only way I can move on is to hate him for playing with my feelings like a yoyo. I hope he realises one day. I just need to hate him right now.

[randomxx]

Did he throw it in the bin, shyt.

Anyway yeah, l know. l suppose anger can be handy right now.

l suppose to l should easily feel some myself to actually , it's really weird that l haven't much but then l did things to , just as big.

M , l'd think the way you've been thinking about him meeting someone else this last mth or two so much has been a sign and probably again backing up the vibes l've had with it to.

At least you pulled the pin yourself before it got messy, and you gave him just deserved.

lt's sad and hard and very disappointing l know , exactly what gf and l both keep saying to.

[CMF]

Yeah, I knew he'd bin it haha. It wasn't something he could keep or use & me taping it to the bike would have been a slap in the face to him. To me is was a reminder of how intense out intimacy was (to me only I guess) & how he wants to have options. It was something for me but we could share. Again, misleading.  He likes to get the most out of life. He doesn't think long term repercussions so he does & says things thst can backfire when he changes his mind. If he is ready to get out there it's fine but he made sure he used me in the meantime. That's what hurts.  It's interesting too,  my son was usually out on Sundays but now he often works from home. Even that shifted. Yeah. A few things shifted that changed the whole vibe of it. I just know if I didn't put a stop to it this way,  if I just said ok, all the best, he would have messaged me in a couple of weeks ,& the pattern would have continued.  The longer this went on the more hurt for me.