Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Rx

Yes it has finally come to a head. Yes, it was always going to. Everything happens in 3's. I think I've been wsiting/ preparing for this outcome so I can finally let him go for good.

You know what's interesting,  my card reading said it would grow organically, thst he doesn't want to lose me. As he is a people pleaser,  hot & cold, inconsistent I feel like the cards were picking up on thst side of him. The nice guy, the good guy everyone loves. The side of him that everyone else sees, that he shows the world. I've always said no one sees how he treats me. Taking me for granted, putting others first, not putting sis in her place, allowing her to intrude on us, happy to go away with mates but not with me. That side that he hides. People saw how great he was cos we went to a nice winery every Sunday. Interesting.

As I reflect on all these things here I am so glad to be rid of him on MY terms. I finally told him what I see, wht my experience has been.

I will be fine.

[CMF]

I told him from the start that as long as I was seeing him, even casual. I was not open to meeting someone else. NOT OPEN TO IT. That was his cue to confirm he was. I told him if I felt I wanted to meet other, not sleep with, just meet, I would stop seeing him. It just gets messy.  He has been misleading me with his words. He was not gonna say anything till he was ready to let me go.  He wanted to get every last bit outta me...right to the end. Just like when he returned from os. He really thinks it's ok to use me for his convenience & I'll be ok with it.

Sorry,  I'll be ranting for a while. It clears my mind.

[randomxx]

Ah rant away cm.

for me going in circles and over things in my head and thread is how l work through stuff.

l've got a note pad on my ph l write in to but it's amazing what l;ve realized doing that. Just this morning l deleted it all and wrote a whole new.  Bc l'm still realizing so many things l wasn't seeing about me as much as her, maybe even more me.

[CMF]

Me too rx 

I write & write, look back, change it. In fact the response I sent when he said he wanted hus options open was a pre prepared.  It was very long & I sent it the instant he told me. I wonder if he wondered how I typed it so fast 🤣. Wonder if he realised I was  step ahead. I think the only way to really move away from him is to this way.  I need to have this anger or it will be the same pattern. I wonder, if I had replied with 'ok' or " ok, best we move on' would he have kept contacting me? Would he have still tried to use me? If things were civil would he have repeated the same pattern. I feel better today. I'm remembering all the hurt from when we were together for 5 years. I finally feel free. I know that away from him I was not the best person I could be when cos I was always sad or wondering or unsure.  My mind was do preoccupied.  Now it's clear as is my path.  Nothing holding me back. I don't have to wonder why he isn't free or what he's doing. I don't care. I am so much better without him.

[CMF]

Tomorrow I'll leave the bike near the front, go out & tell him if it's there when I return I'm putting it out on the street.  He said the bike was to use,  not have. Like when someone wants to use your pen at work, or your phone charger.  He didn't say it was to keep. It was to use, just like me. Everything is disposable to him. H

Get it cos he wants it then get rid of it or change it up for some else. Just like me. 

[CMF]

He's never watched Australian Idol. I watch it religiously.  This year he watched it. I think because a friend of my daughter's was on. Every Sunday night he'd text me about it. Who he liked, who he didn't,  good performance,  bad performance,  who would win etc. The night of the finale was the night he brought the bike over. He arrived just before they announced the winner. He sat here as we waited with anticipation. Holding my hand. This is not something you do with someone who is just a friend with benefits. Not someone with whom you had a relationship & love & no longer want. Ok, I agree, maybe he did mean all thr nice things but that means there are feelings. Maybe he was thinking of the future but 3 weeks ago he was here, all over me. I suspect he would have said nothing ,& just let it drop off.  Stop communicating but jump when I do. Somehow he would think that means he's leaving me in control but he isn't unless he has told me how he feels & says it's up to me. It's not unless he says hey...I now wanna leave my options open BUT if you wanna continue we can. No, not him. It's the actions without the words.

[CMF]

I think it hurts because I know the feelings & things he said were real & true so why does he need other options? He knows he never gave me the chance to be who I needed to be in those 5 years.  He kept me at a distance.  This thing we had going I feel we both finally let go & expressed ourselves through intimacy. I don't know why he can't let me in? Maybe cos of past trauma from his ex? Maybe he can't let anyone in but I'm gone now. He thought I would stick around.  This could have gone on for a long time with uncertainty. He probably wanted thst but wanted an out...just in case.

[randomxx]

One thing you could try just l suppose for your own peace of mind or maybe some answers , or something.

l stumbled across a scientific study , it was the real thing not just some bored no body writing some blog or yt.

Although for me it made things even more confusing.

lt was about how somebody in love treats you, reacts to things, things they;'ll do,even if their words coming out of their own mouth say otherwise,  all that kind of stuff.

Trouble was for me it confused things even more bc gf did every single l love you sign in the study and then some, above and beyond actually.

Yet, then she turns around and says things like she can't do a relationship any more and stuff like that.

But yet from going through this well, as l say, according to everything in it,.l was 120% convinced she does truly love me though.

[quirkywords]

Randomx I have read that study.

i have had the opposite.A partner who is distant, disrespectful , controlling but then says he loves me.

If all the signs are there yet the person says they can’t do a relationship, it sounds confusing.

CMF write away we are here. 
You write so clearly and honestly. 

[CMF]

Quirky, i think the message i sent him was pretty clear & honest too. He loved my honesty 🤣 he is so shallow. Thank you both but you know what. I don't care. I am so tired of trying to understand why or caring.

Little miss had tennis today.  The other kids' dads are there & they are all lovely.  One in particular is really sweet as is his wife. We went for a walk to grab a coffee & were chatting. He asked how my week was & we chatted about home projects. I told him I sometimes go to bunnings, look around & think of a project. I showed him pics of the furniture little miss & I did up last week. He was genuinely impressed.He showed me how he did up his back yard. It was so nice to just chat with someone who was interested. Years ago m's friend who did my blinds told m how self sufficient i am. M,& his wife had just reconciled after her 5 year affair. M wished his his wife was like me. The wife with whom he didn't want his marriage to end. I often feel/felt lonley on weekends but tonight I don't. I feel relaxed. I'm not wondering what he is doing. I dont care. I am happy he does not have access to me anymore. He will never look at or touch me again. Hevwill never say things to me again that make me feel special when im not. I'm looking forward to some things I have planned for Sunday. I have zero care for what he is doing. I feel a weight off my shoulders. I don't feel like im a yoyo on a string anymore. I am free to do as I wish. I no longer need to do anything to keep his interest. I was really too tired for our dinner 2 weeks ago but i went ahead anyway. I have wanted to end things with him so many times before & never did cos i didnt cos he had this hold on me just by doing a nice thing here & there. I don't have to think of him or what he's doing. My message made it very clear how his arrogance was hurtful to me. Me. Someone he claims to care about too much. I hope my words hurt him. I hope they were like a punch in the face. I caught him out being the selfish person he is. He knows what an honest, genuine, caring person i am. For me to react like that & call him what i did he must know how much he hurt me. I don't use those words lightly

He will be in denial of any fault cos he thinks he's a great guy & how could anyone not like him? I was waiting for this moment so I could let go of years of hurt & end the story. The times when  i could see he didn't care for me or my feelings. The times he left me on my & went off talking to others, not caring about me. The years of making excuses for him.Yes, he is exactly what I called him. I'm the last person he would expect to react to him like that.  It's almost like I had to be the one to do it. The one who he thinks will always love him finally told him what he really is. I feel it all leaving my body. All the stored up hurt & anger. I may have bouts of sadness but they will go & I will be me. A person who deserves real love, not materialistic love. I deserve a person with depth & substance not surface level crap & shallow talk about going out for dinner & driving a friend's fancy car. If he doesn't get the bike tomorrow I will be leaving it out in the street.  I owe him nothing.