Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[velvetfaerie]

WOW ! I read that food list and thought, **maybe CMF will adopt me?"

I have a friend i am talking to at the moment who is feeling similar to you at the moment. When did people get so self absorbed and entitled????!!! I too feel this and have pushed the world away.

As for the physical pain..... hopefully the Dr can help. Sounds like impingement somewhere cause by inflammation. But hey = diagnostics are your friend ! Pretty pictures 😄

V.

[Guest_3712]

Hey my friend

Give your son a shake for me please.

First off pretty normal for guys of teenage years to be pains in the butt. Hormones Etc etc . Don’t stress !

You have a veritable gourmet restaurant there so if he doesn’t like it tough - go eat at girlfriends.

Wrong book - tough it was on the list if not right he can take back and change - he’s a big boy time he took some responsibility

Remember you are the adult here - stop him walking over you

enough already CMF - put your foot down if he doesn’t like it like you said he can go to dads if he doesn’t then he has to shape up or ship out - tough love is ok

As for your pain sounds similar to the nerve pain I had - Sympathetic nerve syndrome- has another name Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

Usually follows an injury of sorts so remember to tell doc of any injuries you’ve had .

Its ok - breathe

One thing at a time - nothing has to be derailed just because of a bad day my friend .

Talk soon

Stressless

[Doolhof]

Hi CMF and All,

I've been flittering around here and there on the forum. Having a few health problems myself, a combination of the heart not behaving itself, all kinds of aches and pains and mental health.

My body and mind feel a little unstable now and then! Ha. Ha. Hopefully I will not offend anyone with a comment or by the neglect of an acknowledgement to a post from them!

Meanwhile, like you CMF, I am putting one foot in front of the other, and trying the best I can.

This morning on the radio I heard a lady talking about not trying to find HAPPINESS in life, but a sense of PURPOSE. I wonder about that, I think I want to pursue both in my life.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[CMF]

Velvet, I would happily adopt you, no problem there. I saw you post on SL's thread that you needed lunch. Well as you know i have an array of foods here, help yourself 🙂 .As for the pain, yes it does sound like what you mentioned, see what the doc thinks tomorrow. The pain started last Monday but over the weekend i have developed a big red welt on my leg, where the initial irritation was, It has lots of bumps like i have been bitten several times. It hurts too. Maybe i have been bitten and have had a reaction. The pain feels like some sort of inflammation, my hip bone hurts, the front and outside of my thigh and my lower back all on the right hand side.

SL, yes i keep reminding myself it is typical teenage boy behaviour and that's the reason why i won't kick him out like his dad did. I think we sorted the book. I rang the school and spoke with head of the english dept. He explained what the book should look like. I think my son was expecting a novel. It is MacBeth, a play not a novel. Told him to take it to school tomorrow and show the teacher. A friend rang today and we both ranted about our kids. I told her about walking out on Friday and she said if i ever need to let off steam i can go to her and vent and swear all i like and then we can have a coffee. I actually said to her that we are the ones in charge, not these kids who think they are the boss and manipulate us so we feel we haven't done enough.

Mrs D, sorry to hear you have not been feeling too well. One foot in front of the other, yep, that's the way to go. I am literally doing that due to the pain I am experiencing. It does not let up for a second. Happiness vs Purpose...I think having a purpose can bring us happiness. When I am making my pots and candle holders and trying new things to make i feel happy, satisfied, fulfilled. It is so satisfying when i remove them from the mold, wash them and then put a pretty plant inside or a nice candle. I an picture them in a shop. I like that feeling. I have my handmade crafts around the house, in the bathrooms, as centerpieces on my kitchen table. I have set up a table in the shed also. Maybe when we do the open house Saturday people will notice them :-).

Yep, gotta make things happen. Who knows, maybe one of them owns a gift shop or knows someone with a shop. I can't sit back and wait for things to come to me.

[CMF]

I think i need to call it a night. My son is on his usual ritual of looking for food, complaining there is nothing. I can't sit here while he is doing that, he is like a scavenger. I asked him what he would specifically like. His response was snacks like normal households have. . What he wants is 2 minute noodles , ezy mac, cereal and fruit juice, he would live off that , hence the reason i refrain from buying it as a few months ago he was constantly having stomach issues. The doctor did tests, found no cause for it so i put it down to the rubbish he eats. Complained there are no bananas, well i have been throwing them out as no one ate them. I'm reaching my limit, he has been so disrespectful of late, especially the way he talks to me and demands things as though I do nothing for him. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him, I don't need more of that. Tomorrow night they are going out for dinner with their dad, thank goodness, he can stuff his face as much as he likes.

[CMF]

Well it has been quiet around the forums. I hope everyone is ok. Kanga, if you are reading, I do think of you and hope things are going ok or you.

So it turns out I have Shingles! I suspected that's what the rash on my leg was but it didn't blister thank goodness and thought i may have been bitten and the pain was something else. The nerve pain has been bad enough. I have antiviral tablets and the pain has eased a little tonight. Despite all this i managed to paint the ceiling that needed painting, goodness what a hard job. Maybe the fact I was in pain, hadn't eaten and was so tired and it was so hot contributed to the difficulty i had.

He rang and wants to pick up little miss a bit earlier form Kinder tomorrow and take her to the beach. I was automatically defensive and told him he can pick her up as they don't know him and he is not noted to pick her up. He reminded me the teachers have met him and i can tell them he is picking her up. It made me realise that yes, he can pick he up and i can have a break and some rest. Yes, he should get involved and help out. Little miss was excited when i told her, she has asked what her daddy doesnt take her or pick her up like other dads do. She also loves the beach, he did point out that if she cries for me he will come back early bit wants to try and have dinner with her there. She did think about it later and cried saying she wants me to go too but i really don't want to so i hope she's ok with it tomorrow. My older kids are having dinner with their dad so i can have some, quiet time hopefully. I really need it. My son has mentioned, in text messages, that since he was ill last school holidays he gets anxious about things that normally wouldn't bother him like eating out, being late for things, going to class at school, even seeing his GF. He won't talk to me when he gets home but will text me when he is out. Another thing to deal with I guess. I did mention it to one of his teachers that he seems anxious about year 11 so she is going to casually chat to him tomorrow about it.

It's just never ending.

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

My sincere apologies for not being on the forums for the past few days, I have not been well but I have read every one of your posts since I last posted and was glad to see you are in a better position today than previous days. It is good they found what has been hampering you with the shingles, from my understanding, doesn't stress bring on shingles as well? Or am I misunderstanding what shingles is? Sound's like you are on some medication to clear it up and hope it works and brings you relief as soon as possible.

I think it is good you are letting him pick up little miss from kinder tomorrow, give yourself a break 100%. Especially since she is excited about it as well. Your son is at an interesting stage and I can remember my teenage years even though they were so long ago, I wasn't the easiest person for my family and was always cracking it or getting angry at something. Never spoke to my parents with much respect which I must say I regret to this day, I think the attitude will pass, as it did for me but takes time. It does also sound like he is dealing with some of his own stuff and he is opening up to you which is great. He may need some mental health support as well, just a thought of course.

How are you doing currently?

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

i'm sorry to hear you haven't been well, it makes me sad. You're such a great person. I feel better hearing about your teenage years, thanks for sharing that. You've turned out to be such a compassionate and caring man 🙂. I know it's typical teenage boy behaviour. If he wants to tell me things via text I'll go with it, as long as he's telling me things I don't mind how he does it. If he continues to be anxious I mention it to the school as I don't think he will go to a gp.

shingles is caused by the chickenpox virus. If you had chickenpox as a child the virus stays dormant in your system and can reactivate and travel down nerve pathways causing infection to the nerve end roots, which is painful. It isn't actually caused by stress however as stress can lower your immunity this can trigger it. I only have one rash on my thigh so if it spreads it will stay in the area where the nerves are affected so my hip, lower back and thigh. Hopefully it won't spread, apparently taking antiviral meds within 3 days of the rash appearing should stop it.the nerve pain can take a few weeks to subside, worse case scenario 12 weeks. Mine felt better but is painful again. I hope it clears up soon so I can deal with everything going on a bit better.

hope you are feeling better Jay,, you so deserve peace in your life.

cmf x

[CMF]

Well both teenagers notvtalkingbto me. It' amazing how their dad can see them or not see them, kick them out when he cant handle the attitude then he takes them out for dinner, goes away with them or buts them things and he becomes the best thing since sliced bread. Last night when he dropped them off 'he' was here and we wetecsittibf out the front with little miss. My ex husband just stared 'him down, just kept staring. How stupid after 8 years that we have been separated/divorced, 2 girlfriends he' had, both full on relationships, practically living together and he behaves like thst. Trying to dominate, intimidate be superior in his sportscar with his GF next to him. I've met his gf's, hes broightvtgem to kids sporting events, sat outside shops where my daughter and i were shopping k owing we'd csee them and have to say hello. Imagine if I just stood there and stared them down. I mentioned it to my daughter and asked if she thought it was appropriate she became defensive and left for school with no goodbye. Tried to talk to my son anout his anxiety and a svhool issue yesterday he closed the door on me. Why do i stay here? Why dont i pack up and leave? Clearly i'm not needed cos i can't do the fancy dinners or expensive clothes and shoes. I can just try and provide the essentials and play taxi driver. It really hurts me that my ex husband can kick my son out and now after an interstate trip and some new nikes all is forgiven. I want them to have a good relationship but is that all it takes? Clearly the everyday things count for nothing.

[velvetfaerie]

Argh shingles !