Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

I agree with Stressless, not a fan of the new avatar and I was actually worried when I pointed out what your old avatar said that you may change it.

You can do this, you are doing this and you are doing a damn good job. This is the time when the anxiety tries it's hardest to take over you and bring you down and down. You have to keep pushing through this wall you are bumping into. Your light is so bright when it is shining not only for others but for yourself too. You need to get out of the darkness and let your light shine again. You're a great person and deserve to be so happy.

My best,

Jay

[kanga_brumby]

CMF don't you think all single parents feel the way your down wanting more than you have just for the kids wanting a holiday to a half decent place just for them we all put our kids first. They always want more I'm sorry we aint got that we can only do our best. You do that you had your few seconds of fun now you pay the price with a hole lot of work and anxiety. Just like me. There are times I wish I did not do what I had done, but then I look again and think that I wouldn't change a thing. It's never easy so please go easy on yourself.

Peter

[CMF]

ok, previous avatar was not good and too negative, even for others to see.

It's ok Jay, I didn't change it because of what you pointed out, it was just a reflection of how i was feeling. i did like the negative committee one. I liked the vibrant orange and how it felt i was in control, however this current one is more reflective for now.

But flat and tired today. I wish i could toughen up.

[CMF]

I'm human, I'm allowed to make mistakes. I try my best with all i have to do on my own. Funny how the RE agent said i am on of their most easy going clients when really i am a quite highly strung. How do i slip into that mode in front of others? I think it's because I don't want them to know how i really feel, i want to give a good impression but also sometime when talking to people i do feel better. I don't feel so alone. I don't even know anymore. I'm Not doing the open house next weekend. My son is getting a bit funny and all the kids are at home and i just don't know. Not in the right frame of mind. The RE was cool, said no problems and to let him know when i want to do one. i wonder if he knows i chickened out? Also if "he' comes past on his work break it will be at the time the agent wanted o be here. i don't want 'him' to know anything and if i tell him not to come he will know something is up. As I don't usually ring him he will become suss. Anyway, i don't know, not very clear at the moment.

[CMF]

and yeah, i lose the plot sometimes, when i can't take anymore of he kids yelling or crying or screaming, demanding I can only take so much. Those people out there who judge me, because that's what people do,without even knowing me or who i am can stick it and mind their own business. When you don't know what the lead up was to a situation you shouldn't judge. I'm human, i have feelings, thoughts, worries, responsibilities and i don't have anyone to share them with so i deal with it all on my own, so yeah, sometimes it gets too much. Yeah, my actions/reactions are wrong alto of the time but i'm human and i'm not perfect, just like everyone else.

[velvetfaerie]

Perfect is boring.... BEIGE !!!!!!!!!!

Don't be perfect. Just be you. That in itself is perfection.

The Velvet monster.

[CMF]

Don't worry, I'm not perfect and i know it lol.

'He' rang and offered t cook dinner. I don't argue, just said yep ok.

I need the break.

[kanga_brumby]

Hey CMF you are just about as perfect as me. Which means we are more perfect than those who judge you as being a bad mother. they dont have the right or privilege to do that. There is an old wise saying in my family It goes a little like this "Judge not lest you be judged" meaning the same yard stick shall be used on the person judging I go through similar crap from well meaning rellos and parents at the schools or shopping centers swimming pools every where I go even if I went to western Australia I would get it there as well. So Robinson Crusoe your not there are heaps of people out there all getting bashed up by people who are supposedly happily married. Ha I laugh at them Sorry about hi jacking your thread for a rant

Kanga

[velvetfaerie]

Well put Kanga. Well put.

Side note - random conversation with strangers at Coles makes for smiles

v.

[CMF]

Kanga, you can hi jack my thread anytime my friend. I liked your rant, couldn't have said it better myself.

Velvz, I love random conversations with strangers, They often make my day.

Dinner was a total f up. Not 'his' fault at all. I ended up having a big rant to him about stuff. I got stuff off my chest . Haven't done that for a long time. He has the ability be a good father to little miss. One of my fears is that if something happens to me who will look after her? I felt confident that he would be able to. It was a bit of a load off my mind. I know he wants the best for her despite everything. I think he just doesn't know what to do.

I feel like crap. Such a crap night. My son was gonna cop an earful from me but I won't bother. I just can't do this anymore. I'm tired of life.