Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I do feel betrayed by him. Those 6 months showed he really doesn't care or understand how he treats people. He comes in, all smiles, happy to see me, wanting me, full of compliments, making me feel like number 1 for the first time only to say he wants options. If I wad someone he didn't know well, was just getting to know I'd understand but I'm not. I'm someone he's dated before, known for 30 plus years, dated again.for 5 years, families met,. Someone he knows he hurt again, someone he knows well & said was not enough yet he came back & did all that acting like I was fantastic to him. How does he do that? How does he put so much into someone he doesn't want to be with when he didn't do that for 5 years? He was not the same as he was for those 5 years. It was like we were both being relaxed & ourselves finally without sis involved & yet for him it was like a game? How does someone just use the best person they know? How is someone so cruel to the best person they know? He just needed validation that he's not a horrible person for proving what I said all along. He thought if I still wanted him he can't he that bad for always taking me for granted. I wad his validation that he's not a pr!@#. He did it to feel good about himself, to feel it was ok for hurting me again cos if I still wanted him it was OK cos I'm the one who would always love him & be here if he wanted me. What an insecure little boy to have to use me like that to validate himself. 

[quirkywords]

Cmf
just catching up on posts I missed.

This sentence below sums up a lot of your relationship and shows much insight.

What an insecure little boy to have to use me like that to validate himself. 

I know men and women who have done this in friendships and relationships.

I have had the opposite where a partner put me down to make them feel the better person. 

[CMF]

Hi Quirky so nice to see you. That is awful, someone having to put you down to feel good about themselves. I have seen that too.

I had a card reading last night. She feels he will reach out at some stage but is afraid of my reaction. That he was sad the 1st month & questioning himself/behaviour but kept himself occupied with his kids & sid. He thought I would reach out. She said he will find himself lonley as kids & sis move on with their own things. I won't hold my breath.

[CMF]

He really thought I would just keep doing whatever he wanted. I remember in those 5 years he once commented he loved how compliant I was. I was easy going,  didn't ask for anything really. The only thing I did ask was for boundaries with sis & he couldn't do it. What a weak little boy.

[CMF]

I just thought of something random. He now will have no idea if I meet someone else or not. At the start of the 6 months he said he'd probably be jealous if I met someone. I don't think he cares either way but previously he would have known. Now he can just wonder. I dreamt last night that I had his phone & was going thru his messages.  There was nothing of interest. My card reader says it's a sign he is not seeing anyone. Oh well, who cares. Someone else can enjoy him & sis & see how co dependant they are. Good luck having him to themself.

[quirkywords]

Cmf 

How is your work going? Do you enjoy it and have supportive people to work with. 

I once had an ex drop by years later after I ended the relationship it reinforced why I ended it, He looked unhealthy and he was drinking more than ever. It was strange. 

[CMF]

Hi Quirky, work is good.  This was my first full week back after bring unwell & it was a good week. Not as bust which was nice. I work with wonderful people in my office, very supportive although the team I'm in I'm not do sure. We all work in different offices at the moment & some wfh but they are mostly nice people. I feel much lighter after my card reading. I've felt happier this week therefore more positive things have occurred which has been really nice. I read something that I feel sums up M - most people aren't running away from a great partner. They're running away from the parts of themselves they need to fix to get/keep that great partner - he wasn't willing to accept or change his codependency on his sis. Not saying it's the only reason but my melt down over her/them prompted the split. He also needs to fix his self centred behaviour & his need to be liked by everyone as it makes him look fake, esp to me. It actually used to make me cringe at times how overly happy & nice he used to be. 

[CMF]

It's a year today that they left for overseas. A year today that he kissed & hugged me telling me he loved me & he'd call when they got to Dubai - which he didn't.  A year today that he finished up his teaching job & I bought a cake saying "onto the next chapter ". 

[quirkywords]

Wow a lot has happened in a year. I think you are stronger and have insights into your former relationship. 
Thanks for sharing your story. 

[CMF]

Yes Quirky you are right.

I had a great week & a great day today. Little miss & I were out and about all day. I did something that causes me anxiety & I'm ok. I feel happy. I want to feel like this always.