Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Feeling a bit down this weekend & woke up a little anxious today. I feel lonley. I def don't want anything to do with M & glad I'm away from his intertwined life with his sis but I feel lonley & alone. I guess I felt like that with him anyway. 

On a positive my cousin was here from interstate yesterday & we caught up for coffee. It was lovely to see her. She is always happy & positive. She is one of 8 children. We used to be close as kids as we'd go interstate on road trips of some of the kids would come here on school holidays. 8 kids, all intelligent, successful & good people.  It was nice to see her & hear how well the rest of the family is. I think it made me feel alone though to hear about all of them. Everyone seems to have a connected family, except for me.

[randomxx]

Me too , l find the wkends so hard, nights too but wkends are worse for me.

But sadly you are right and you got a thread here to prove it , you were never very happy with m , not for more than fleeting moments. l don't know what else you could've done at this stage he's even more m now than ever.

lt's sunny here this morng maybe we won't even get the horror sunday weather they were on about hey.

[CMF]

You are so right. This thread is proof of my unhappiness,  waiting for the change he said would happen & yes, he is more M than ever. Like I told him, his true colours really came out. The selfishness, how he only cares about what suits him. The arrogance, the fake people pleaser.  If only others knew this side of him. The side only people in relationships see, like me & his ex wife.

[CMF]

I can't work out what I'm struggling with, why keep thinking of him & feeling anger.  I know part of it is confusion. I don't know what to believe from all the things he says. I don't know what's true, what's an excuse or if he even knows. I can't believe I ever trusted him & I'm angry he continuously took me for granted even after admitting it & saying it was whst upset him the most.  He is just a full on crap talker. There is seriously something wrong  with him.

[CMF]

I also find it interesting that my card readings were so accurate but in those last 6 months were quite inaccurate.  I take this as him not being genuine or authentic.  I think they were a true reflection of him, showing me one thing but hos intentions were something else.

[randomxx]

That's weird in ways for me. Often l don't understand why l'm not angry.

[randomxx]

On the other hand though l blame myself for a lot of it plus she's been through so much and that l know she is still a very special person.

[CMF]

Rx,

I don't think you should feel angry. She didn't use you or take you for granted.  She just has alot going on. Whereas as M gave me crumbs for 5 years. He told me things would change, sis would move out. The opposite happened. His relationship with her became his priority.  That relationship grew while I got pushed aside to keep her happy. Then there was the 6 month thing. All the compliments,  the nice words, the bday gift talk, the bike...all to make him feel better about himself cos he thought it would give me no reason to hate him. He can say but I gave her...it's all materialistic with him. He thinks the material things make it all ok.  No idea about the emotional stuff.  No wonder his wife went elsewhere. 

[randomxx]

Thanks for that cm and your right to , never really thought about that part of it but nah she def' didn't, most giving person you'd ever meet.

And sorry to about all that stuff.

Tbh , l think he'd been fading for awhile even before os but l guess that's why we have a relationship first and get to know ea other. l think he  just wasn't sure how he's feeling were working until the break and os , bit of time apart.

Not that it excuses all he's other stuff.

[CMF]

Well according to him he had no doubts before he went os. I asked him. I told him I knew it would be make or break. He didn't.  Everything was normal & ok for him before he went which proves my point of how ignorant &out of touch he is with reality. We'd go there every Friday night for dinner & we'd leave by 8.30pm cos of sis.  He didn't pick up on this. He's just an ignorant dh. Like I said, wife was having affairs for years & he had no idea.  He took her back but he was checking me out thinking I was a hot mum when he saw me at our boys' school & didn't realise it was me. He must have been putting on the happy face to everyone, the fake facade like everything was ok. They ended up in separate bedrooms but you know, sis & her got along well. How could sis get along with her knowing that? Maybe he didn't tell anyone actually. It was the next affair that sis discovered.  Not him, sis. He blamed her going off her anti depressant that caused it all. May be but clearly she needed them to be with him. She didn't need them to be with the other guy. M doesn't see that. She had depression after having kids but she was ok to have an affair.  Still he doesn't see it may have been him that drove her away cos he's so self centred. Never his fault. He thinks if he buys gifts & is good in bed it's all he has to do. He's not aware of the emotional stuff. Oh well, maybe he'll meet someone as dumb as him next time. Mr emotionally unavailable with his co dependant relationship with his sister. He'd been someone dumb to not see it.