Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Yeah. He had no doubts before going os. It was in the middle of the trip,  having a great time, that he realised he didn't miss me. I still reckon sis' friend must have kept him entertained.  Not in bed,  he wouldn't do that with his kids there but I'm sure they had fun on the beach. It was a week after her returned when I lost it about sis. He didn't even want to sort through it. He just sat there saying "I don't know". I threw his necklace at him & walked away but funny how the story is HE ended it cos he didn't miss me & it wasn't fair on me or HIM. it could have been me that ended it. I thew the necklace, walked away & he sat there waiting for me to go back. Hahaha...he had the audacity to tell me he waited for me to go back. So really,  may not be him that ended it depending how you look at it. I'll let him take the credit though,  he needs it for his self esteem. He doesn't deserve a good, loyal woman.

[randomxx]

Did you ever find about much about her or see pics ?

He would've followed things up with her if it was anything l'd be thinking but he's spent the last 6mths with you really.

But someone can make you think for sure, even if they aren't the actual one or nothing comes of it. Maybe it was or maybe it's as he said , l'd think he'd have known deep down for awhile that was just finally putting it together. Bc he never spent much time with you and he was always messing up you never liked his life or his ways l'd be thinking he'd been starting to think even before os for awhile now. l mean you were wondering yourself he probably had been too.

At any rate , you know it's actually pretty common for people to have a realization when they go away.

[CMF]

Yeah you're right but I don't think he was smart enough to realise before he went.  He's not really a thinker & he did ask me to go with him.even when he got back he said he'd wished I was there with him. He did say he was hoping the feeling of nor missing me was wrong. I'm telling you,  you can never believe what he says. It was the blow up about sis that triggered the end. I did see a pic of all of them & he told me the 2 of them went to buy wine. Didn't sound like sis went. I did ask after we split if he'd met someone or was in touch with someone he met specifically the friend. He said no. She may have a bf, I don't know but I can imagine how friendly he'd be with her,  making sure he looks like a great guy. They were all in the same little apartment for a week & together every day/night. So he had told me he wasn't in contact but again, how do I believe him? Doesnt mean they didn't friend each other on socoal media. Anyway it doesn't matter. 

[CMF]

This friend lives over there anyway & yes he was with me those 6 months.  Doesn't mean they couldn't have been chatting but tbh, despite it all I don't believe he was doing anything with anyone else. He was just using me to fill in time waiting for something else to come along.

[CMF]

Was thinking of the day we split he said he was happy with our casual weekend thing but I needed more. He said said he didn't think he wanted a marriage type relationship which I never asked for. Those 6 months where we were both laughing & happy (for the most part) we're exactly what he was saying he wanted. A non marriage, casual weekend type relationship

 He was all over me,  extremely attracted and yet he still wants options.  Seems to me his reasons for breaking up we're not even the truth. I don't think he even knows the truth or maybe he's too scared to be honest in case he hurt my feelings so he preferred to hurt me other ways. I thought maybe he didn't find me attractive but there was no lack of attraction in those 6 months. My longer hair, my new little body,  my smile, my face- he loved the package.  He loved my attitude,  the way I dressed. We want different things. He has the travel bug & I've always said I don't really want to travel. He wants to go on a cruise, see other countries. I did say i would step out of my comfort zone & be open to that. These are reasons to end things. Wanting different things but he never mentioned this.  He mentioned he takes me for granted, agreed I'm never enough,  something missing. Yet he can be here like a puppy dog on a leash jumping behind my front door when I call. He can go out for lunch with me, talk & laugh, tell me he's always here for me but...

We did not connect emotionally but he admitted he is emotionally unavailable.  He said even his ex wife told him this.  Then again, isn't intimacy connecting emotionally?

You know what, he has no idea. He is an absolute crap talker. Nothing he says can be believed he just says things to ensure people like him. I really, really do not know what was true/real with him. Did he ever really love me or did he love that i loved & would always be loyal to him? Was he in love with the thought of that? Does he even know? Tbh, his answer to everything was "I don't know". The more I think about it the more I realise his brain really is in his d@#$.  He's a perfectionist but is far from perfect yet he can't tolerate those with mh issues. 

[CMF]

Just read this - explains alot, esp re sis & why he wouldn't put her in place.

Emotionally unavailable people tend to despise compromise. They may believe that all their personal relationships should revolve around them and cater to their individual needs. This often leads them to be controlling in relationships so that things either go their way or no way at all

[CMF]

Another thing re sis' friend o/s. She would be at least 10 years younger than M. Would be pretty creepy for him on his part, a 55 yo man. Then again,  he has shown me many things about his behaviour that are creepy.

[quirkywords]

CMF
catching up on posts as I have been having trouble logging in!!

Yes that definition of emotionally unavailable people rings true for a fewpeople I know.

[randomxx]

 10yrs this way or that's nothing much anyway men or women but do you have any idea what she's like and also is she a looker or ?

At any rate nah don't think they're up to much it would've followed him home if they were but he stayed with you so. Even being os won't stop anything serious.

lf anything they prob just got along ok but not romantically.

Trying to wrap my head around this emotionally unavailable thing someone l saw for a short stint before gf came along, it was her way or the hwy.

She was a very weird mix of all kinds of stuff though l wouldn't really say she was much like m.

Anyway hang in there.

[CMF]

It doesn't matter. I'm just overthinking.  He was there with his kids.  A 54yo man with his 2 kids & a partner back home.