Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Do you think he cares rx?

[quirkywords]

Cmf

I think people can say they care but the do not.

other people show they are by actions but never say it. .

[randomxx]

For me cm , l mean not knowing the guy personally so only having your thoughts on his stuff to go on to and things with you two, yeah, l think all this might knock him about actually, inside.

l mean on top of the ex, which that alone could last a lifetime, l mean how do you live with that. He seems to put up a lot of surface show and rug sweeping, but probably partly in self preservation though to.

Still think however he appears on the surface right now at home or to friends, inside there'll be a lot of soul searching going on.

[CMF]

He would not have expected that from me. Me, the one who has & will always love him. Not anymore. He really thought I would accept whatever he wanted to do. He was like this when we dated over 30 years ago & he's like this now. He said he takes me for granted, he said I don't value my worth, he said I'm the best person I know etc etc yet he still had no conscience. All he could say was "ok. I want to keep my options open" nothing else. No explanation. No " sorry I feel we've misunderstood each other. No sorry if I misled you. That's all I got & to top it off he was ok with still wanting to continue. He must be so desperate for validation, to be told he's the best in bed. He used to ask if he was. He actually said he wanted to be cos he's competitive.  Competing with who? I never discussed how others were in bed. He did. He told me his ex wife was wild, especially after a few drinks. Yeah, he's either really messed up or more of a jerk than I thought. Maybe he covered up more than anyone realises. Or maybe not.  Just no conscience. 

[CMF]

If I had not said anything we probably would have continued & he may not have met someone else but it would have been hot/cold & I'd be always wondering & not trusting cos he's not transparent. If someone sparked his interest he'd have no regard for me. Just like with sis. I need to leaved him completely for him to really decide.  He can't decide if I'm still around.  Thing is. I won't go back.  Like I said at the start,  stuff me around, lose me forever. 

[CMF]

He said at the start that I know him. He doesn't go out & doesn't use dating apps.  We'll see. He doesn't cos he's got me. We'll see now 

[CMF]

If he doesn't go out or use dating apps where is he gonna meet someone? On his cycling app? Where are these options he's waiting for.? I think he just wanted to keep me around for hos convenience cos he's scared to commit. 20 year marriage, 1 year break then 5 years with me. What next?

[randomxx]

Yeah but as l was sayin, there is still the big wide world out there.

Was he only split 12mths from ex?

Gees l'm surprised you even went there so soon, him to.

[randomxx]

Actually, 26yrs all up of exs, affairs, kids, divorces and you guys then, he probably does legit wanna be free for awhile.

[CMF]

I agree rx, he probably needs a break but when we split he said he didnt want a marriage type relationship & was happy with the casual weekend thing. That's what we had last 6 months. Now he specifically said he wanted to keep his options open. It was alot of mixed messages. When we reconnected he wanted to keep seeing each other straight away.  After a few weeks he came past with a bottle of port telling me he loved me. This was all him. I was aware he'd only officially been split for 12 months even though they'd been sleeping in separate rooms before that. I didn't rush into him meeting little miss or anything. It was him. This is what he's like.  Jumps into things & makes decisions quickly. He didn't take time to get to know me again before saying he loved me cos i was this girl he KNEW was good & loved him. I trusted him. I had told him I was worried he'd hurt me again etc. He said he'd NEVER take our love for granted in my first Xmas card.  He didn't start sleeping over till about 2 years in cos little miss was still young & I didn't wanted her to understand.  It was a slow progress from me but sis got in the way too. Yeah, he probably wants a break but also wants to be swept off his feet & do what he wants but tell me how much he wants me, how he's always loved my face & my smile. Love my long hair & little body. Tell me he wants me all the time, a text message from him drives him crazy. Talk about my bday gift, give us the bike & have me on a string just in case but only when it suits him.

He's only interested in what HE wants when HE wants it. After all that all i got was after my long heartfelt, honest message was "ok. I want to keep my options open" and after asking if he was ok doing & saying all these things to ME but still wanted options he said "yes". He's a teacher but He needs to learn how to use his words 😂 like I always said, sis was the weekday wife & I was the weekend thing & he knew it. It got worse when sis started interfering on weekends, especially my bday last year when he spent 2 nights with me but she managed to get hom to have to pop in at home for something.  She was sick that weekend, I found out later he offered to stay home & look after her even though their mum lives 2 doors down. Looking for a way not to spend 2 days with me?

Probably. What a immature jerk.