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Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?
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Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:
Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;
Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me
Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.
Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby
How i feel now:
Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet
How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?
If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.
Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?
I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.
I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.
I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.
Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.
I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.
Thanks for reading
cmf x
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Our first Xmas together his card sais he would NEVER take our time together for granted. It's like he knew he probably would and he did.
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Ah , sorry l rambled cm not really the time and l know what it's like, so many ups and downs.
Was just writing similar in mine the other day, often feeling same. Even if l'm distracted at work or doing other stuff or often even enjoying the at least not having to answer to anyone or whatever, it's still never far away none the less.
l hate we're going through it.
Big hug.
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Nothing to be sorry for my friend. I am glad to be rid of him/them. I am so much at peace I'm just sad that he treated me like that. Many times.
Hugs
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Thks for that cm .
But well feeling glad would be a help , probably if l had half a brain well we both know how up down on of gf was, l should be glad to. Unfortunately though tbh ldk wth to feel atm.
Tbh, l think half the time maybe a lot more than 1/2, he didn't even realize nor was it intentional but ldk, more he was just a weird kind of unaware type so much of the time as we know.
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Cmf
You are very creative, handy and skilled.
I am sorry you feel sad and anxious today.
you have moved on but have you got closure or do you want it.
so much has happened since you started on the casual relationship.
i think these emotions are bound to surface.
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Thanks friends
He didn't realise cos he thought I'd always just be here.
I don't need closure. I got it when I ended it & told him what I thought of him. That was alot of stored up hurt, frustration & anger.
I wonder of it's 'too cold' for him now?
I feel much better.
Thank you 🙏
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I bumped into one of his relatives today. Stopped to chat & she told me she visited M's mum few weeks ago. I told her u keep in touch with his mum. She then told me she didn't know we had split. I found this odd as I bumped into her not long after we'd split & I got the vibe that she knew. I found it odd that she said she didn't know as her parents are very close with M's family ,& mum. They also LOVED me. I know they've spoken in the last 6 months. Makes me wonder now if he hadn't told them as this would be typical of him. Hide it so he doesn't have to deal with it. He hid it from his grandfather because he was wishing us well & apparently he didn't have the heart to tell him cos his grandfather was so happy we were together. Wonder if he's had the guts to tell him yet? He clearly didn't take our relationship or break seriously cos when I made a joke about it a while back he laughed & said I know right. No remorse there. He was just happy that he was still getting something while it suited him. He is such a selfish coward. I hope my words were like a kick in the b.... that's what he deserves
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Did you tell everyone you'd split back when he got back the first time or ?
Me, l've left it open atm. l'll say but only if they ask how's O going, ahhh, bit touch and go atm tbh, we'll have to see- that's my go to.
lf anyone digs deeper l skim and then just leave it there. Anyone close like d , a brother,they do know we've actually split but at the same time they know to we've had a few on offs and may well again so it's not a biggie either way.
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Not up to me to tell his side. One of his friends I bumped into knew & I guess his close cousins knew. One of his friends didn't know till I messaged saying I'd miss them. She then called & said wth. She said they hadn't caught up with him yet. Her hubby said he couldn't believe M did that to me AGAIN. I'm anxious this weekend so everything feels overwhelming. Not cos of him. I'm angry & hurt cos of him. I could have just told him if he wants options I can't be one & said goodbye but I feared he'd message & we'd end up doing what we do again.i had to be clear how much he's hurt me. I hope he us suffering too. I hope he's hurting as much as he hurt me. He should have known better than to play games with me, my feelings. That day we caught up for coffee, after we split, I said we have too much connection & history not to be friends. I said I still wanted him in my life. He said "good ". After this we started this thing. He said if I met someone he'dbe jealou. I said hedbreak my heart again. He said "really?" We agreed not to dee others of dering each other but he knew how id feel & still took what he could & mislead me. I was vulnerable with him & he knew it but didn't care. He read my message several times so he must have a good hard think about it all & knew if he was open to seeing others I would stop but he was prepared to keep it going knowing the person I am & that I allowed myself to be vulnerable. He really is what I called him.
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I did tell my friends & family.
I'm now left to heal all over again while he couldn't care less cos he is emotionally unavailable. All the laughter & fun we had, did he think it could just be turned off. Clearly for him it could.
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