Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

It's so nice not to be wondering what he is doing, or caring. It's nice not wondering if I should contact him or when we can catch up. It's relaxing.  I said I wasn't interested in meeting someone else but I am open to someone coming along. I won't go looking but who knows.

[randomxx]

Yeah , don't know how the hell l feel or will do in anything about anyone else.

l've had opportunities but involved so wasn't looking now though ha, or later on now l should say man, hmmm.Just don't even know if l'd want to

Well now that it looks like we are kaput, l could kick myself that it took 5yrs.There were signs early in l know now l should've listened to but it was hard to know for sure they may have panned out and there were so many goods as well. Anyway it all just makes the future look pretty worrisome in that way bc what if later it's something like that, again.

ldk.

[quirkywords]

CMF random, 

Relationships are complicated and in my experience of 2 major relationships and trying to cope with 3rd, I have found we don’t trilby know our partners until we have decided to leave or after we have left.

I am a people pleaser who always tried to please partners and even decided all problems were due to me.

CMF I find your insights and reflection very helpful.

I think you have learnt so much in last few years and in your recent reflection that you now know what you need as a human and what you need from a relationship if you choose.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky, 

I used to be a people pleaser too. Over the years I've become confident in who I am & I think I hold my ground a bit more. I am still very accommodating of people though. M is a people pleaser but I'm not sure that he thinks problems are his fault. That's where his ego comes in, he can't believe something could be his fault cos he's such a great guy. It must be the other person.

He hid behind his sis for all those years we were together, allowing me to blame her, allowing it to hurt me when he just wasn't fully invested in us.  I do still believe she was too much but as I told him, if he'd wanted to give me more time without her I probably would have been ok. When I asked if he was looking forward to coming home from os he said yes.  When we split he told me he didn't want to come home.  He wanted to stay another 2 weeks with relatives as his boys were on a tour. He said he didn't as it was unfair on me. I think that's bs. He didn't miss me, I'm doubt I was his reason for not staying.  It was more likely so his sis didn't come back alone & have to be in the house alone cos she always said she was scared being alone in the house.  He probably also wanted to make sure he ended things not me. Ego. Yeah right...he came back cos of me haha. 

[CMF]

I never used to like taking time off work. Now I love it. I have learnt to sit in front of the TV with a coffee & relax in the morning. I find projects to do around the house & I feel calm & relaxed. M crosses my mind now and then. I wonder if he thinks I'm gonna contact him, try & make amends? I'm not. I meant what I said. I'm so much more relaxed & focussed on myself.  I no longer care if I'm home alone. I embrace it. It was awful being alone when I was with him cos I should have been with him. I would be home alone & he'd be at home with sis.  I am content now.  Content with solitude, relaxed & getting back to who I was before he came along.

Such a nice feeling. He's probably enjoying it too.

[quirkywords]

Cmf

you are sounding stronger and more confident each post. I am glad you are having and enjoying more time alone. 
is there some hobby or something you always wanted to learn thst you may take up in the future. Just a thought. 

[CMF]

Hi Quirky, 

I'm enjoying upcycling/revamping furniture.  I did little miss' & my bedroom furniture last year. Over the last month I have redone my dining table, some nesting tables & my hallway table.  I have painted using chalk paint & used marble look self adhesive wrap.  Today I bought a $19 side table that was an oak colour.  I've painted it black ,& will use the wrap for the top. I also did a few odd jobs around the house today. I'd like to buy timber furniture pieces from op shops to paint & upcycle, maybe sell but I can't fit them in my car.

[randomxx]

Haaa sounds very cool cm. l use to love all that sort of thing to or making my own, built my bed, tv table, few other things around. Got a beautiful hardwood kitchen table from the op shop still had plastic on top and was brand new but there's a little story with that one.

l watched a movie night before and this guy had this beautiful round table he'd built himself l loved it, very unusual.  Next morng l knew l had to get to the op shop had a strong feeling. 1st thing l got up and raced to the op shop, that ones 40 mins away, and there it was. A one of, almost identical to the one in the movie, never seen one in there before and never seen one since.

Got it for 80bucks and while paying this other guy saw it and came up to buy it right beside me so if l didn't race of that morng this one off would've been gone anyway 10mins later. Bit of a classic.

Bad news was, gf didn;t like it, said it wasn't strong enough haha, l'll leave you to figure out the rest of that one ha ha.

Actually she was right though and our beautiful big old rectangle pine table was umm, nice and strong. l've always been torn about the two tables ever since.

Still have the round one saw almost identical for $2000 did figure it'd be around that was a buy and a half.

Still love op shops but l'm kinda thinking next house just for once, l'd like to buy all the furniture new from shops - cept my bed, that stays it's made from poles and very heavy woods it took 3 of my brothers and me shift it to another spot in the br. When l move out l'll have to take it all to bits.

Really cool hobby though cm , must be beautiful transforming them and seeing their potential in the shop , do your kids appreciate all your creations ?

My mum was always doing up furniture l'm really happy for you that your enjoying yourself with it all and enjoying some me time to.

[CMF]

Yeah, if I find something that fits in my car I might buy it. I feel a bit down today.  Just sad but I don't miss him. I just hate how he takes me for granted.  He has no consideration at all for how something might make me feel. Just doesn't cross his mind at all. I was gonna text him to soften the harsh one. I  was gonna make it sound like the final paragraph of a novel saying :"Her words were harsh but honest, and necessary to end the cycle of being taken for grated for so many times. Years of being hurt finally let go. She was no longer available to him while he wanted to be available to others. The final chapter was written & the story completed. 

The End". The only reason I want to send it is to not end it so harshly but I don't think he deserves it. Not after the times he hurt me, didn't care about contacting me, made my feelings invalid, did what he wanted without considering me, made me feel & be so alone. He doesn't deserve it. He deserves what he got, my honest feelings toward him.

[CMF]

I'm a little sad & anxious today. I'm sad. So sad. Sad that he always took me for granted. He admitted it when we broke up but he just keeps doing it. He wants me so much yet he doesn't want me. I wonder how he's feeling now? Is he relieved,feeling free? Is he angry about my message or does he realise how much he hurt me again? Is he out having fun or sitting at home just wanting to be on his own for a while? 

I'm just sad & anxious. I know i allowed it but why does he do this to me knowing what a good, decent person i am 😟 ?