Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I feel quite down today & a bit anxious. Just about life in general.  Our company with whom I have a great relationship was on our office today. We chatted about Xmas holidays & he asked how my partner is. I told him we broke uo & we chatted about it a bit but it left me feeling flat to talk about it again. He agreed you can't have 3 people in a relationship

 It just brought it all up again

 I also don't know whether to burst the bubble & ask M what he wants or go with rhe flow & just be happy living in the moment.  I don't want to ruin anything unnecessarily but I also want to confirm we're on the same page still. I rather talk face to face. He clearly wants to kerp what we have going & it is pretty good but I keep thinking how he hurt me & it all happened cos of sis. I was not enough now I'm so amazing & he wants me so much.

[randomxx]

Hiya cm.

sorry about where your at it must be tough l've gotta say though well yeah sis was one side of it. But really l mean he came home and wasn't feeling it that's the other side of it unfortunately , they're two separate things but kinda related too.

Yeah sis made you feel this and was always in the way of you and him, but honestly, he was also fine with that too anyway.

[randomxx]

But as you say , now your amazing.

lt's just hard to work out where that's actually coming from all of a sudden after 5yrs of the rest , and how real it is considering.

[CMF]

You're right. It was him too. Not his fault if not feeling it but I know it's cos of how I reacted to his love affair with sis.  He was very much into it when we started.  Talking about living together & what sort of house we'd have etc. Before he went overseas he even made me promise that when my little miss is older & finished school that he & I would go together.  Visit my parents home town. So peeved with him that having a great time made him change.  Proves how shallow he is. I'm amazing now cos I've changed. I've grown my hair, in better shape, my attitude is different.  Yeah I'm so hot now. He loves it. Jerk. I wanna remind him he wasn't interested in me whilst overseas.  I eanna know what was so great that he had nothing for me. Me - ' the best person her knows'. You know why he's so into me now? He doesn't want someone else to have me. I don't want someone. I'm not looking. I'm gonna focus on me. He's a spoilt little boy attached to his sister. I'm playing it cool now. Less contact. I just have to think of him & sis to know I don't want that again. 

[randomxx]

Yeah. those things would help and even change a lot that is for sure l mean it would all be part of it now for sure.

But ldk , he's such a butter his bread both sides type just to be sure he's liked and all his other crapola is covered, it's hard to say where he's really at.

l'm guessing and he's acting too half back in but not quite fully as yet and he seems quite content at that now cake and eat it too so to speak.

just dk as yet tbh given he's ways.

He finally gets the sis thing though at least that's something.

[CMF]

I don't think he gets the sis thing. He mentions her now & then. He doesn't get it, he just does what's less hassle for him. Def not all in but neither am i. I don't wanna be. Can't trust him. I think as I didn't see him last week I have those break.up feels again. I contacted him less last week. My responses to him wete short. I tried not to engage too much. He didn't ask about catching up Sunday till I told him I had something on. Maybe didn't want rejection. Maybe wants to leave it up to me cos he knows he hurt me so would look stupid chasing me now. He says he'd rather catch up with me than be in his pool. That's cos he could plan to catch up with me then go home to his pool. Cake & eat it but saying it so it looks like I'm getting priority.  I've worked him put & I'm not stupid. He knows how to make sure he accommodates himself or sis as he did in the past. Anyway. I think I have those break up feels & thinking way too much about his great time overseas & how when that was going on he realised he didn't miss me. I have to admit also we were pretty flat at the time cos of my frustration with sis. Not much excitement in the relationship that's for sure

 I also walked away when we broke up & left him sitting in the park. He said he waited for me to come back. Don't know why, maybe he wasn't sure about ending it but of course he's not going to come to me. Everyone has to go to him. Guess it makes him feel validated. He saw me sitting sitting on my verandah but drove off even though he says he was waiting for me to go back to the park. That big ego thought I was gonna go back. Probably wanted me to beg him to stay together.  Yeah right. Shallow jerk.

[randomxx]

Hiya cm , sadly your not sounding a happy puppy atm , sorry for all that. Confusing times isn't it.

l think he knows a lot more than he lets on but he's good old see no evil speak no evil playin dumb lets him go on at both ends but eh, don't ya with we knew the people ourselves here sometimes.

Funny , my d's almost 23 now but pretty worldly but also very sharp and spookily intuitional. Mind you, l don't go asking her or laying too much of my crap on her but she actually asks me. So as she knows gf and quite likes her too but she also ain't silly either so sometimes if l do say something she'll just go boom thing is though she's usually spot on.

l always chuckle and think hmm , l should nominate her my counsellor

[CMF]

Hey rx 

I'm feeling better. I just go thru bouts of anger. We were just on the phone, him saying how amazing I am & said to him ' gee and you said I wasn't enough'. Silence then ye said 'what?'. I just replied ' nothing'. Lol. I dont think he realises im different cos sis is not in my face. Maybe he does as you said. He never gave me a chance ti be this person with him cos his attention was on sis so i shut down.i tjink he knows he can't have both together so better thst its separate.  Suits me thats for sure. She doesnt serm in a hurry to shack up with her bf. Maybe he's not ready yet. She is alot to tske on. Your d sounds amazing & like a wise old soul. I read your thread. I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. I'll reply there. 

[randomxx]

Goes and comes l know , sometimes l feel so angry at myself far more than gf my trust thing combined with her situation and ours subconsciously caused me to do some really stupid things at times . tHINGS WOULD def be very very different otherwise for sure.

One thing l really admire about m and you to really neither of you seem to be hot heads or get too angry at ea other in person.

That silence  yep, so m. That's all been rugged swept in his mind and hopefully it just didn't happen.

ldk wth his game is with all this nice now and where he's headed with it lf it was me it would all be really stressing me out l couldn't stand all the in between but it's ard t see what he actually wants now.

Yeah she is , she's always been this incredible old soul.

[CMF]

He wants a companion which suits me too. Not having to deal with family stuff & obligations.  It's fun. We can be intimate,  go out for lunch, help with things without being weighed down with the other stuff. He is toothed up with sid. Financially,  with his kids, the living arrangement.  She thinks she's brought up the kids, she's their mum now & his 'wife'. I get the angry feelings but I don't want a rel6with him. U like what we have. I actuacalled him earlier and it was all good. We are both happier.  I just need to eventually ask if he's open to meeting someoneelse. He doesn't  want a relationship now.  He wants freedom to travel etc in the future. He probfoesnt jeed a partner for thst cos he can go with sis.  She won't hesitate.