Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Haha if only. Then I'd be like sis. She has the front door camera & can track his cycling. The cycling thing is fir emergency & I don't think she uses it  but he's popping in today on his way back from cycling. If she wanted she'd see that. Haha ill have to ask if everyhe cycles with will the the detour 🤣

I've been quite anxious this week due to other things & it's triggering all sorts of doubts. I was echathis week & ok with not communion much but my snxi6is making me think other things which were not bothering me initially. 

Hate anxiety.  Just hate it. It's really messing with me.

[CMF]

I feel really down which usually means my anxiety is moving away 🙏. M came over on his way home from his ride. He had rold me he could come past but couldn't do lunch. I asked him straup us ge had something else on today as he'd been a bit all over the place. When I asked if he dree & wanted to catch he said yes I think so. Then he needed to what time my son was out as he didn't know if he was riding or going to mass. He was all over the place. So i asked if he had something else on & he ni, hust alit if thins to do ie tomorrow is his mum's bday & he needed to get a present.  I'm surprised that wasn't already organised,  his sus doesn't work everyday, neither does he. Anyway I told him he seemed all over the place. We had tine together & he stayed & had a coffee. It's not my business but yes, he could have alot on at the moment. He starts his new job in a week or so after not working in a school for 5 months. He did tell me hiw much he loves my face & commented on my hair asking if I was gonna keep it longer now as he hasn't seen it longer. He commented on what I was wearing too. Funny how now we're not together I have longer hair, wear Lycra & lost weight. All of which he likes. Anyway, my anxiety is affecting my thinking. Wish it would just go away. He agreed. 

[CMF]

I did check in & ask if all was ok. He said he's just a bit sad his 5 month holiday is ending & he's up in the air as he doesn't know the roles & responsibilities of his new job. I feel weird, like I did after the shock of us breaking up. Just flat & down, like I need to be alone with my thoughts.

Anyway, I've told next Saturday I'll cook a nice dinner & we can celebrate then he can have Sunday to prepare. I also thanked him for the chit chat today. It did make me feel a bit better.

[CMF]

Wow. It really is back to reality for him. Back to life as it was before he went overseas. Before everything changed.  5 months of living the dream, now reality bites. I hope getting back to reality makes him really realise the decisions he made.  Then again he might decide that now he's back to reality he doesn't eant to see me. He moght want to wake up Sunday morning. Go for a ride & chill at home

 Who lnows. I bet he forsnt eben know. I  might be part of the dream lif he's bern living the fun. Thel last 5 months have not been reality for him. The party is over. 

[randomxx]

ln a way l envy you bc your at least still able to see a bit of ea other.

Tbh l dk if l'd like to be doing it myself with us l believe if we aren't gonna be working out then we're better of getting on with our separate lives for me l feel it would only stop all that and keep me in some limbo. Or even worse until one of us met someone new and then that is really gonna hurt even more.

But on the other hand l'm still not 200% sure we're even doing the right thing separating . l kept looking for closure but l still don't really have it convincingly within myself anyway , not sure about her in that one though.

But in a way l'd prefer to just go on even in some part time thing like your doing and hope the answers come or something falls into shape along the way, or we wean of or some rubbish.

ldk , how are you feeling and thoughts about all that stuff with you two ?

l know you have your rule that if one of you meet someone new but, how would you feel or cope if that was him?

And do you worry your holding yourself from moving on ?

l don't think she would meet someone else not too many out there that'd wanna be dealing with her stuff but then she could still meet someone, it might not work out down the line but it could still easily at least happen and start.

[CMF]

I think it will wean off. Already is a bit. Our rule is also if we want to meet others it stops, this is what I don't trust in him. It does hold me back but I'm not wanting to meet anyone else. I don't think I could be more with him cos of sis & his emotional avoidance. He's too shallow for me & all about himself & what he wants. He's the one who contacted me 3 times when i was trying to have no contact now he's the one dropping off. Says one thing,  behaves another. I can read his behaviour all too well.

[CMF]

I'm waiting for him to slip up & I'll tell him where to go. Tell him what I really think. He can't stand the thought of anyone not liking him. When I told him how I've felt at times after we broke up, how I felt toward him he was shocked. He can't believe anyone would have negative feelings toward him. He knows if he stuffs me around hel will lose me forever.

[randomxx]

He's a weird one alright , most people prob aren't into his head and just see this friendy m character.

l wonder if he does want to stay single and does he get along with the women , how long was he single for before and all that.

l think he'd at least be thinking of staying single for awhile bc he seems to want some freedom atm.

[CMF]

Def people only set the nice guy. He has female friends from Uni. He was single for a year before we reconnected.  Didn't go out or date anyone.  I think he does want to feel free but enjoys the companionship as I do. We don't want the same things ie travel. Also he's married to sis so no room for anyone else unless they're happy to watch the love birds & be controlled by her. I haven't communicated as much this week & he's contacted me more. Said he's looking forward to Saturday night. Pretty funny., he never told me he was looking forward to it before. I do want to know if he's still waiting to be swept off his feet. Is he still open to meeting someone.  Maybe he's happy to just be with me but casually,  without looking to meet someone else. This could qork. I don't wanna start again with anyone.

[quirkywords]

CMF 

will you be okay if this time next year it is still casual with the ocassional feeling of left out or ignored.

i hope the weekend goes well.