Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[startingnew]

Hi Quirky ive just started a new thread in the depression section 

[CMF]

Hi starting new, lovely to see you again.

Quirky,  I still feel anxious but I'll be ok. Something has triggered me since going to the movie Sunday. It will pass. Little things setting me off now. It's a shame as I was so happy & feeling good so I'm trying to remind myself how good I can feel when my thoughts are not going round & round. I will be strong again.

[CMF]

He clearly likes being with me. Was going to come over last night but was tired as was I so we caught up today & had brunch. He mentions sis at times which I guess is normal. He's affectionate,  wants to pls me. He needed to look at his phone & apologised for it. I've been very dizzy & not feeling great & he actually seemed concerned.  In fact I think he saw straight away I didn't feel great. I feel peeved at him for hurting me & saying it was inevitable that we'd break up but he did say at the time he's happy with a more casual weekend thing which we now have. I guess he thought I wanted alot more but I believe more & more we broke up cos he couldn't stand up to his sister. I did mention some about a work colleague today & he defended her. Once again didn't take my side. Guess some things don't change. I need to remember that. 

[quirkywords]

CMF 

you seem so more self aware than you were before and have realistic expectations  of and insights of Your relationship with M. Take care. 

[CMF]

Hi Quirky 

Yes I guess I am. I have no expectations but was dissapointed he backed my work colleague whom he's met once for 5 mins. I guess that tell more what he thinks of me. He's never backed me when I have an issue with the behaviour of another woman. He doesn't do that with sis. When sis has an issue with another woman he says nothing. It's so nice spending time with him & without sis. He mentions her at times bit I try not to give it any focus. She's always wanted to build 2 townhouses on their mum's block. One for mum to live in & 1 to rent I guess. Apparently she had too much money & needs to buy property.  Their mum has not wanted to do this but I'm sure sis will get her way as always.  I showed m some townhouses near me & he took photos telling me that's what sis wants to do.  Guess there's still no plan for her to live with her bf. I would still be waiting. He said it was inevitable we'd split & I know it's cos of her & my feelings toward the situation.  It's interesting that he realised he did miss me when sis' friend was staying with them in Sicily.  Very attractive girl, no idea if she has a partner. Yet today he said he couldn't stop thinking of me all week & was looking forward to catching up. But overseas he didn't.  Yeah, can't really trust him but I will enjoy the time we spend together as I don't have to deal with the other crap.

[CMF]

I've also noticed when I tell him something that worried me that then turned out to be fine, he points out that I worried for nothing.  I don't mind this. He never did it before. I like also that I still see the things in him thst I never liked. It is a good reminder that these things won't change. It's who he is. The one where he always takes the other person's side is a big one, especially if he doesn't know the person well or the wjole situation. I wonder if he sees things in me that he didn't like? Not sure if he'd notice. Anyway, just thinking about it makes me feel all that angst again. He's def still kissing sis' butt.

[CMF]

So I was feeling negative toward him & realised him not supporting me was a trigger. Just like he never supported my feelings with others & his sis. It was always me being the issue.  It made me feel crap just like it did when together.  I also realised he has no understanding that other people's situations can be different to his. He's ordered an outdoor blind & told me a price. His mate has made a decision to order 1 with a wind up handle as they last longer. I said I hope it doesn't cost more & he told me it may be another $100. He couldn't understand the issue. I told him I budgeted for less. Today I had an unexpected expense for my daughter. If the blind is another $100 extra it may be difficult. He just assumes we all have money to splash like him. It was really annoying. He has said if something doesn't affect him he doesn't relate. We had a great afternoon but he did trigger me. He & sis are so rapped up in each other it's sickening. Guess they'll always wipe each other's butts.

[quirkywords]

CMF 

 I have had experiences years ago when you go out for a meal and the people who ate and drank the most akways wanted to split the bill. 
you like me have lots of empathy. I feel for people who only think of themselves. 
You are a good role model for your children. 

[randomxx]

We're both stuck on the same damn mouse wheel cm. Our threads have just been going round and round the same old stuff for yrs but neither of us are really getting anywhere.

Anyway , l'm back home now, a bit worse for wear .

[CMF]

We sure are rx. I've replied on your thread.

Thanks Quirky. He is very generous, always paying for things but yes, doesn't see that not everyone has what he has. He also seems to get more and more ie cash jobs with hos friend. He very closed minded when it comes to these things & lacks empathy. Upbringing I guess but also doesn't want to deal with anything that's too hard fir him. Especially his sister.