Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hey rx,

I agree. He seems to want what he doesn't have. Once he has it he wants something else. I am protecting my heart. No emotions in this.  It's casual, what he was happy with all along. I like it cos I don't have to deal with sis & have time to myself which I always lacked. Neither one of us has any obligation and we agreed if we wanted to meet other people we tell each other. This only works if it is just the 2 of us.

[quirkywords]

CMF 

I hope your heart is well protected as hearts can be fragile. 

Random x 

you make a good summary of m 

How are you.?

[CMF]

Today was the best day. I finished my front garden before it rained.  Just a few bits & pieces to do. My older daughter came over with her bf. She wanted to have lunch but told her yesterday I was too down. Well we went out with little miss.  Op shop shopping. Light lunch & then they hung around at home with us.  Little miss was doing karaoke and we all sang along. The rain hit and the air was so fresh. It was relaxing.  I'm happy with the garden. I've realised that holidays were stressful fir me cos the holidays we had with M were what his family planned & we just went along. Going away with them was not relaxing for me. I only tool leave in January & wanted to catch up on things at home. He was very generous as he paid for us but I did point out at the start thst he planned it with his family not me. I didn't have to go but what sort of relationship was it if hecwent with sis & I didn't go? Well we certainly worked that out. I think he preferred to go with her not me. The security blanket. Anyway,  these holidays are good so far. I'm relaxed, doing what I want to do & getting things done.

[CMF]

Every now & then I see glimpses of the things that used to peeve me & it's a good reminder of what made me unhappy.

[CMF]

I can tell when he is not being completely transparent.  I can tell by his voice & the way he speaks. When iaskadirecy question he days oh. I dont know. He did it to ight. He needs to watch himself cos i won't tolerate his bs this time.

[randomxx]

He's trying hard to keep his nose clean atm and not rub anyone the wrong way as usual. sort of old m just a new strategy ahhhh,  so he thinks. Don't think he's realizing though that your still seeing straight through it.

[CMF]

Yeah true. Although he did surprise me today.  I'm always looking for the negative,  trying to catch him out. Twice this week he couldn't pop over & I wasn't sure I believed him. I was looking to catch him out telling me bs but he called & I could tell he was being honest. He said he wants to be ok so we can catch up on the weekend.  We also spike on the phone tonight. I do think at times he can't be bothered during the week & it's ok cos if I had to be the one going out * driving hone I probably couldn't be bothered too. There's also the need to have an excuse for going somewhere cos of course sis would need an explanation.  Don't think.hid boys would care where he says he's going but the boss would. God forbid she should have to watch TV alone 😮. Also, I wouldn't want her knowing everytime he came over.the less she knows the better so we can just enjoy

[randomxx]

yEAH right and fair enough , a lot of that's understandable and practical too really isn't it. l can see he still cares a lot and still has strong feelings but at the same time l think he's also a bit all over the shop with it all inside too and the future.

Sis really ahh, she's probably known right through. hE'd be different when he's going to you she'd see that, he prob knows she's known but it's like see no evil speak no evil haha.

[CMF]

He came over today. We had a great arvo. I joked if he said no again he'd be in trouble.  He sid say he didn't want me to get sick. Compliments again. He commented that the body is back & he can def see I've lost weight. Also commented I def have alot more energy. He reminisced about how great i looked when we bumped into each other years ago when our boys went to high school together.  He was checking me out not realising it was me till i sat nect to him. He remembered exactly what i was wearing. Rx, Funny how you & I were talking about what if he knocked on the door & proposed.  We got to talking about his friend whose marriege fell apart cos he gambled & lost a few hundred thousand dollars. He is hoping his wife will take him back but unlikely.  M hopes she will cos she made a vow in a church, for better for worse etc. He said divorce is too easy here.  We started talking about relationships/marriage & when you'd take someone back. M took his wife back after she had a breakdown &  confessed to the first affair. She was a mess, he had to help her cos he loved her so much.. He said when you really love someone you want to stay together. He said he wouldn't leave her for gambling but we agreed an affair is different but so is breaking trust.. She left him after her next affair.  Left him.for the guy she was having tge affair with. We spoke more about taking someone back. I asked if he'd take her back now. He said no. Not now. It made me think she really must have been the one for him yet he let's his sis trash her in front of his boys. I realise that maybe he really can't comit to someone else. Rx, you asked if he proposed tomorrow what would I do. I said I would need to see a change & that I don't trust things would change. He made comments that showed he still wants to see me & I did feel this is all he can give. You know what, I'm ok with it. I can't go all in & live with someone either. If this is what US looks like, it's ok. I can do this. Today was so fun. 

[randomxx]

Yeah it's a weird mix of contradictions isn't it, all sort so m though isn't it really.

Couldn't blame him not taking ex back though but the rubbishing in front of his kids that's bad wth doesn't he stop her, do you allow that with your kids?,  l don't no way. Her mum has lots of goods but the rest is between them and for my d to make up her own mind and ex is the same with me for her. End of the day we both changed and made big mistakes butttt,  from there our d was our priority and both being the best parents we could.

l suppose we could just go on like you two ldk, it's confusing. My brother and his lady have been like that 25yrs , and 3hrs apart too. Gf and l have talked about it specially with her place in sydney all set up now too and l actually really enjoy goin back n forth and the change. but marriage , yeah , or a proper future more than what we do now, ldk cm, l'm just not quite getting over the line, about where you are by the sounds now, ldk.

gLAD YOU had a nice wkend anyway hey , we were at the opera house parkland yesterday roaming about and some lunch but ldk. All this stuffs just on my mind 24 7 though and personally l need some answers for myself.

Strange though really bc l think it is with her too , l mean we were gonna talk more but tbh right now l have no answers anyway sooooo, kinda skipping it right now. But weirdly it sounds like it's going through both your minds right through too like this. M's def tick tick tick about it all too.

oh, ps , looks and picking ourselves up again, dress and all, hell yeah l don't blame him your sounding really nice he's def' impressed. Can't under estimate the power of that sort of thing to a man ha ha , tell ya .