Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

If there are so many things he loves about me & he sees how happy & fun I am, I wonder if he realises that sis was too much & the cause things not working?

He can see what a different person I am. He's never gonna go against her & admit she's too overbearing.  

It's frustrating. He hurt me so much, made me so unhappy cos of her. 

It's so much better now, even if it is casual.

[CMF]

He said he wants to be the best 'lover' I've ever had.  I asked why & he said cos he's competitive.  So i asked of I'm the best he's had.  He said yes but i knew he was lying. I told him he wasn't convincing, he said i am, it's my attitude. Good thing i don't need to be the best. Shame he didn't want to be the best partner i ever had. He said when we broke up he couldn't keep dissapointing me, shouldn't have to TRY to be a better partner,he should WANT to be a better partner. The bedroom action at the time was boring . My fault cos I knew sis was his priority not me so it was like 3 of us everywhere as you know. She was my competitor.  It's interesting, his wife cheated several times & for years. Left him for a short, chubby bald guy. Is this why he wants to be the best with me? He needs to prove it to himself & he can't do that with sis. Like I always said he had 2 relationships going- marriage type at home with sis & me for weekends. I know his ego took a hit when his wife cheated & left. Who is he competing with now? I haven't spoken about how good/bad other men wete in bed. He's told me how good his wife was esp when drunk but I don't need to compete with her. All these things coming out, insecurities. Sis validates him, he validates her. No wonder they need each other so much. Both outwardly confident yet in need of constant validation. I seem to be learning more & more . Its a goid thing 😊

[quirkywords]

CMF I find some people appear confident but it covers insecurity. They need to be constantly appreciated, it can be exhausting at times. 
you have so much insight into his behaviour. I wonder if he has insight into you. 

[CMF]

Quirky, an excellent question.

I always said he was clueless & he agreed when we broke up as he couldn't read when I was annoyed & that annoyed him.

I feel I'm seeing a side of him that needs to prove he's better. Better than whom? I don't know. He did as other day if I was fishing for compliments.  I told him I don't fish. I don't need compliments from him. I'm not sis or like sis. There's something different about him. Maybe just happier, feeling more free now that we don't have the monotonous routine. Maybe the fun cos no one knows. I know I love that especially not dealing with sisit did occur to me that my lack of interest & happiness in made him feel inadequate. Now we both feel wanted, very wanted which is nice. He has said in the past "isn't it nice to be wanted ". After what his wife did I'm sure he needed that which is understandable. I know I didn't show it enough cos of overbearing sis.

I know he sees a different side of me now. More fun, happier.  I don't talk about work frustration or any sadness/lonliness I may feel. He couldn't process that anyway.  I just show him my happy/cheeky side. This is probably good, to be in that mindset & not bring negative emotions into it. I trying to focus on the positive.  Weekends can be a struggle & xmas/ new year will be.  I will be alone new years eve. I need to remember though, if I were with him &sis I'd  be unhappy. Things are good just us 2.

I think he has insight into that & hope he sees who I am without that 3rd person being involved. I never had the chance to be this person cos of her.

I hope he has this insight.

Cmf 😊

[CMF]

Today was interesting in a good way. First i bumped into a very good friend of his whilst shopping. She hugges me so tight, like an old friend who hadn't sern me for years.  She was so sorry to hear we split but ssid no need to talk about it. It made me sad but then i remembered the good things i now  have. M came over, we spent time alone then went out for a walk to get lunch. He told me his sis says hi. 😮 I was surprised & asked if he told her.  He told her only that we were having lunch & she was happyabout it. I was also happy that it didn't affect me. I'm guessing he doesn't want to keep making excuses for going our. Of course if she wasn't there he wouldn't need to explain where he's going. Anyway he told her about lunch. I wanted to pay but eftpos wasn't working & he insisted. We had to transfer but I didn't want to log on to my internet banking in a Cafe but he did it. He didn't hide it either & I could see his bank balance. Back home he measured my front window for an awning blind.  I just want a quote from his mate but M said he could get it, install it & I could pay him back slowly. I said no to that. I mentioned roller shutters he said no, it wouldn't suit my period home & he cares about me too much to let me ger them.  Said this with an arm around me. Before leaving he kissed me in my front garden 😮 I was worried my neighbours might see. He then kissed me at end of the driveway before walking to his car. Again. Neighbours who know him & know we split. He didn't seem worried about anyone seeing. Lots of compliments again today. I'm so relaxed with him * talk alot now. Great day. Interesting...

[CMF]

Despite this, the thought of going to his house gives me anxieties.  It's a trigger for all the things that made me sad, frustrated & lonley in our relationship 😔

I also hope that now sis knows she doesn't interfere & minds her own business. I don't want to feel suffocated again.

[quirkywords]

Cmf

Do you think  a relative can interfere without a person letting them.

I know some people are very close to their siblings but if I felt a sibling was making my partner feel uncomfortable I would say something in a respectful way.

It is good you and M are having time alone but as you know the reality will become clear when you tell people and spend time at Ms place. 
I hope m realises how unhappy you were before and will change things when your relationship is in the open. 

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

That was the problem. He let her because he didn't think my feelings were justified.  We did sort it out though when he admitted he should have spent time with me during the week etc I stead of just werkends.  I'm. nor sure whete this is going  & if it will be out in the open & me going there etc. Hewill never put her in her place.  I hope she doesnt start wNting to know more about us & sticking her nose in. Involving herself where she shouldnt like she used to. As long as she libes there i dont think i could go there.  I don't know  if I want that relationship  again

What if he travels again & I can't go? Does he have a great time again & return to tell me he didn't mus me etc?  For now it's simple, easy & fun. No strings  no pressure.

I do wondered . If he went aeay now would he miss me? 

[CMF]

I also wonder how he felt about telling her we were having lunch? If she wasn't there I'm sure he wouldn't have but then again she would have seen he went out from the camera on the front doorbell & I'm sure she would have asked. I wonder if he pregerryo keep it quiet, knowing what she's like & how i feel about her ? Maybe she finally got the message when i explained nicely how i felt like a 3rd wheel? So she was home yesterday.  Nice he made a choice to be with me not her at least.

[quirkywords]

Does Is spend much time with bf. I recall you saying how you talked to sis bf. Do you think chatting to him may help. Does he feel like. 3rd wheel.