Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

CMF · ‎08-02-2018

Feeling a bit better today. Feelings of anger keep creeping in. I've never asked much of him in 5 years. Never asked him to sacrifice anything. If anything, I have accommodated him all the time. All i asked was if he could look after little miss on a sunday if i were to find a job and his answer was 'we'll see'. I am furious with that answer. It is amazing how many things have interfered with him being around for his daughter. Work, then illness, renovation now they have no car. Just when i think i can ask him to step in and help out another thing happens.

He has been non existent but caused so much disarray for everyone.

deep breaths, deep breaths...

velvetfaerie · ‎08-02-2018

Him = Narcissistic and control freak. Dirtbag.

V.

CMF · ‎08-02-2018

This is my year to change my life. I'll be damned if I'm going to let him stuff it up.

CMF · ‎08-02-2018

Gee really torturing myself today. Overthinking, thinking the worst, anxiety building, feeling out of control, defeated.

All because of him.

CMF · ‎09-02-2018

Feeling a bit better. Passed 'him' in the street on the way to school so we stopped to say hello. First thing he said 'do you like the car '. He found a car for his parents. I was really happy!It's a nice little car and that news really lifted my mood. I am happy he found something and quickly. My sister rang to see how school was going and asked what i am doing with my time. Told her i have been applying for jobs and she too asked if it is worth it. She asked if it would affect my 'benefits '. Yes it will be adjusted accordingly but im not understanding why people think it is better to be pn benefits. I cannot say the word of the department makes my anxiety sky rocket. I want to be self sufficient, independant, busy. It is not fun relying on 'benefits'. Am i the crazy one? I need to do more and be more. If i had a partner supporting us and didnt have to work that would be different. My sister's workspace is closing down in a few months but she is retirement age. Some of her colleagues are not and cannot find work. They are mid 50's and have commented ' there is nothing out there'. This is so disheartening. I told my sister there are jobs out there. I have applied for several and even approached places not advertising. I guess her friends are mid 50's and only ever worked where they do, no other experience. My sister questioned whether i have qualifications for an office job. Im not useless, i can learn, I've had many different roles in my 13 years with a major bank. Ididn't like my capabilities being questioned. I thought it was a little insensitive and has made me doubt myself. Maybe i am not good enough?

CMF · ‎09-02-2018

I refuse to let anyone crush my spirit and questikn my abilities. I am getting out and looking for something, not waiting for something to come to me.

If i knew someone was proactively looking for work i wouldn't say 'oh there is nothing out there' to them. Maybe i am kidding myself, i don't know but i will try anything. I am not going to give up and say there is nothing out there.

Feeling a little anxious and frustrated.

velvetfaerie · ‎09-02-2018

I think applying for jobs in your circumstances shows great drive. I admire it. I see lots of people out there taking the mick. I think people who balance work/kids etc should be applauded. Some people have the idea that they are entitled to be supported by the system because they chose to have kids.

I don't have kids because I could not afford to have them. My main reason. But thats me.

so GO YOU ..... get into the work force. Maybe your confidence will thank you? 😄

Independence. It is a good feeling.

I better go to work HAHA.

V.

CMF · ‎09-02-2018

Thanks Velvz,

I needed to hear that. This sense of 'entitlement' does not sit well with me personally. Yes, i took the time off while the kids were young, and that was a personal choice, but i feel it is time to give back. I have another 22 years of work ahead of me at least. Do people honestly think it is better to live of 'benefits' for the next 22 years just because it is 'too hard'? The older I get the harder it may become as my sister's friends are experiencing but i am ready to go, ready to upskill and do my best. The other thing is, it is a lonely life being at home alone all day. I don't have a partner to share anything with at the work end of the day. The kids are in their rooms doing home. How many times a week can you go out for coffee or go shopping or clean the house? Not every day.

It's really making me doubt my decisions and i shouldn't be. Those saying 'it's not worth it' are financially ok. 'He' still lives at home, he is yet to move out and really supported himself, let alone 3 kids. My sister's kids are adults,moved out and she is retiring. He work colleague has a husband who is principal of an elite school, she doesn't need to work, she just wants something to do.

I'm baffled with people's mindset.

CMF · ‎09-02-2018

My sister also asked if i had any luck finding anything yet.

Seriously? Little miss has been at school for 1 whole week.

Yes, I am frustrated.

velvetfaerie · ‎09-02-2018

Sounds to me those people are judging way out of context. It is good that you want to progress in life. Isn't what most people want? Regardless of context and circumstances?

1 week is nothing. Keep plugging away. Determination and initiative are very important in my opinion when it comes to employment.

I have a friend, who has rightly annoyed me lately. No work history for at least 20 years. Nothing. benefits and government housing. Wants a job. Wonders why no one will even interview her. I said well first get some current work experience to show you are keen - GO VOLUNTEER!!!!!!! It gives you a basis. Shows initiative etc.

My entire career started on my volunteer work. BOOM!!!!!!!!!

But - too hard so she is going back to study, again, something she won't finish. Makes me angry.

V.