Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF and velvet,

Yes I find the control issue an interesting one. When I am low I feel everything is out of my control and disorganised and tend to let others make decisions for me.

I need a routine and find holidays hard because I have no plan or structure, Always thought I avoided controlling things but who knows.

You have given me things to think about.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

I find when low/exhausted I just meh everything. Like at the moment 😄

[CMF]

Little miss has day off today so we went to the pool. He rang and decided to meetvus there. Great. I asked if he was free to look after jer on Sundays if i want to be available to work. He jyst cannot commit o anything said yeahwe'll see. I eNt to be able to say im avsilable not 'we'll see'. He then went on about why do i want to work, not worth it, just go on unempmoyment benefits .OMG is he friggin serious??? Why would i want to do thst? I can't wait to work again. I was almost yelling at him asking him asking how much i get if i work/don't work. My anxiety rose very quickly. Why cant he just take redponsibility for his daughter instead of telling me how to live. We spoke about days/hours said at his work i could do 10am -6.30pm told jim no good as after school care finushes at 6pm. His response 'don't worry someone will pick her up' who is 'someone'? Told him no. 'Someone' is not goid enough i need to know she is picked up. I do not trust his parents and they have no car now. I cant stand him no acceptance or responsibility at all. He wants her ti have dinner at their place tonight. Fine by me but they have no car. Wanted ne to drop her ofc and pick het up. No. Told him to ride his bike to my house and then use my car. No happy at all but don't want to say she cant go. He will not be taking my car again. Sick of carrying him useless idiot.

[velvetfaerie]

Are we still in the naughty corner......... ?

😄

[CMF]

In the angry corner.

They sold his parent's cra cos his mum left it running in the street for hours and burnt out the engine. Spent $1000 to keep fixing it so now they got rid of it and he is going to find something else for his mum. It was all dented too. She left the car running in the middle of the street in front of her house for 3 hours. Is this someone i would trust to pick up my child from school if i am working? I think not. Him saying 'someone' will pick her up is to alleviate himself of the responsibility.

Had enough of his excuses and lack of respect for other people's need to work. It's ok for him to do overtime and have rental properties and live at home on top of that. He is all set up while I struggle and suffer. ALL ABOUT HIM MAKING HIS LIFE EASIER.

He just picked up little miss for dinner, she ran from him, didn't want to go. His comment ' gee she's grown up in the last 12 months'. Well, i had a go at him. Told him he cannot walk in and out and expect her to just go with him when he says. He started to agree but i cut him off, it was MY turn to talk. For example at christmas, he cant come over and say she is going with him. I explained he needs to build up his relationship with her, gradually. Told him the way he is doing it is all wrong, turning up and expecting things when he wants. Told him it is not good for her, she is attached to me and she needs to get used to going with him. The way he does it is not good for anyone and i told him I can't deal with it anymore. Older daughter and I Managed to convince her to go by telling her she will see that cats and asked her to tell me what colour they are cos i forget etc. She willingly got into the car and off they went. Now i asked she be home by 8.30 as she has school tomorrow, let see if he can respect that. It's time to put my foot down. He walks in and out and controls things, pays child support when he wants and I can't live like this anymore. Time to let him know what i expect or he can bugger off. He is nothing as far as I am concerned. Until he earns his right, and respects other people's needs and what he is obligated to do he is NOTHING. Sick of accommodating him and carrying him. For christs sake - GROW UP or F OFF.

[CMF]

Maybe it is time his parents knew exactly how he has treated me and the reason i have had nothing to do with them?

Now that would be interesting but I know his mum would manipulate it, say it's not his fault and blame me again so not worth wasting my time. Two peas in a pod. Clueless idiots.

Alot of deep breathing going on here.

[velvetfaerie]

People hate owning their baggage, mistakes, issues. Generally.

Way easier to finger point than to think maybe they aren’t perfect either.

I had Similar convo today about conditioning. I have lots of it. Oh but HE is PERFECT. Grrr.

So naughty corner now has a punching bag and gloves?

😁😁😁😁

[CMF]

Yes naughty corner fully equipped. One of my posts in moderation oops 😯

He took my car to take her for dinner. Never again. No point him taking her and be not being able to go anywhere.

His problem. He needs to work it out.

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

You are not alone there with a post in moderation....doh!......me too

You heart is more than kind to offer your car...and yes...it is his issue....not yours. Your life is just as important as his is

My Best as always Country

Paul

[velvetfaerie]

Just read the moderated post. He’s all kinda of words I can’t write here. Some people are completely entitled, arrogant and utterly unreal.

accomodating is a sore point for me today too. So I’m well in all the corners with you.

Frustrating that people don’t take responsibility, use initiative and exploit kind people!!!

grrrrrrrrr