Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[kanga_brumby]

My dearest CMF your better at this than I am Your a great caring soul Who deserves better you can do what ever you put your mind to just remember the little red engine who had to get a heavy loaded train over a steep hill all it said on the way up was I think I can I think I can till it got to the top of that hill with its load. your are that engine the hill is the background noise from ex's who are putting you down the load ed train is the kids you can do it We have faith a belief in the not seen that you are that good because we believe in you and we are not worthy

Kanga peter

[Moonstruck]

CMF can I ask, with respect...you have a psych appt this week i believe. Has he/she ever recommended you get your ex out of your life completely? Except for contact with your daughter arranged through a third party so visiting times are official and strictly adhered to?

(actually I believe your little girl would rather have a happy peaceful mother, rather than contact with her father just now) This man is toxic.

Are you strong enough to stop ALL conversations, all visits, all unannounced drop-ins, all advice, all interference in how you run your home and life...sorry for sounding so harsh, but he appears to be adding absolutely nothing positive or uplifting to your life at all...in fact the opposite. Please...get rid of him? Love you x

[CMF]

Hi everyone,

My goodness, what did i do to deserve such beautiful people in my life, all of you mean so much to me. I have had an interesting day. I'm convinced these palpitations and feeling low are partly due to my keto diet. I can make the necessary adjustments but i am still anxious about a few things, the same old things actually. I decided to go an have a sticky beak at an auction today, wasn't going to bother but then though why not. It was a 3 bedroom townhouse in a lovely spot, i really liked it, which is always the way cos i am not ready to buy yet. If i was looking to buy i would have considered it as the price was perfect. Anyway, my RE friend was not there but his colleague was. His colleague is the one i usually don't feel comfy around but i said hi and he greeted me warmly with a kiss on the cheek and we started chatting about the market. I expressed my concerns about things slowing down and he agreed but said they are picking up. An auction in my area was cancelled a few weeks ago and the house is still up for private sale,i told him that makes me nervous but he explained why (they want too much & knocked back a good offer) and reassured me my house would be a very different situation ie better layout and location. He asked if i would be happy with a particular price (yes) and told me he has a client in a 3 bedroom townhouse (good location)who are looking for a house but are like me, want to find something before selling. He suggested bringing them through my house, seeing what they think and see if they have a good offer with no pressure on me. He then suggested i could look at their townhouse and see what i think.Basically, if we are all happy we could buy each other's houses, do a swap which he has done before. He is going to call me next week to chat more. I feel a little excited, it is something positive. He said my RE friend know them too so why didn't he contact me? I feel he should have been doing this work. Ok, i haven't seen the inside of the townhouse, it may not suit nme but at least it is something to look at. He did ask why i don't just put mine on the market and see what happens but and i told him my fears, that's how this conversation started. I hope i'm not getting my hopes up he has recommended stuff to me before that was just too small but at least i is something. My RE friend is not doing anything. Guess we will see what happens. I need to stop worrying what kids will think and do what i need to do.

[Guest_5218]

CMF ... this all sounds very positive! At least you are thinking down the track now, rather than just how miserable and powerless over your own destiny you've felt lately. Now you are being pro-active which is a great thing. You are taking back control of your own life. Perhaps this townhouse will not be what you want, perhaps these other people will not like your house? That doesnt matter, as there is no pressure on you whatsoever. If its not right, then something else will come up which will be right. You are in control here. I feel happy for you CMF. I really hope this gives you the boost you need to climb back on top of things again. And perhaps an adjustment to your keto diet will also help. Hope so. (-:

Sherie xx

[CMF]

Moon,

No i'm not strong enough to do that unfortunately. I'm scared to peeve him of as he will just be abusive. Today i was on my way out to shopping and he rang. Little miss spoke with him and asked him to come over to our house but he said he would meet me at the shopping centre -Great. The good thing was he got to see little miss and vice versa without coming to my house but i hate shopping with him around, looking at what i am buying, commenting, controlling. I was in aldi, paid for my stuff while he looked at what i had and then needed to pack the stuff into my shopping bags. He told me to leave it and just wheel it to the car, i told him i wanted it in the bags. He told me again and i snapped and said 'no, i want it in the bags'. I think he was a bit put out by this as he has told me several times in the past that no one has ever spoken to him the way i do but for god's sake if i want to pack the bags then let me pack the bags. I didn't call him an f.... disgrace like he called me i just wanted to pack my shopping. Why does he need to try twice to make me change what i am doing. it does not affect him, it take 30 seconds. why does he have to control every little thing? He is like this with everything, one day after a market i was packing my things into the car as i knew how to make everything fit and he arrived and started rearranging it all. Why? After he did that i couldn't fit everything and had to put it back the way it was. I guess with my low mood and these constant palpitation i'm short fused to. He bought some super glue at aldi, 99 cents and put it in with my shopping. When we left him he asked if i wanted the money for it, i was so tempted to suggest he add it to his next payment but refrained as it would just start trouble. i don't want to get him off side as it just makes it more difficult when i need something ie little miss looked after. It's like he is doing me a favour but i shouldn't see it like that, it is his job, not other people's but i always feel i have to stay on his good side. guess it's part of his dominating intimidating behaviour.

That's my vent for now.

[CMF]

Thx Sherie, i had a bit of a freak out earlier. Wishing i didn't tell the agent i was interested in finding out more, don't want to look like i'm wasting their time if i say no as i have been back and forth with this for years. r=that's how they know me so well. It was nice to have a warm greeting and feel like they are on my side after the other one seemed to give me the cold shoulder a few weeks ago. I think that is what started this downward spiral, i lost hope in everything. I almost felt like i lost a friend, an ally. We are not 'friends' ie socially but i felt supported until i got the cold shoulder. Actually i saw the other one today, he walking into the office but he didn't see me, i didn't bother calling out to say hi.

OMG i wish these palpitations would stop, it is constant, i am getting a headache and even though i don't feel anxious i can't relax.

[CMF]

Little miss always asks if 'he' can come over and asks him too when she speaks to him on the phone. I can't take that from her. It's a shame she's too young to know what he's really like.

[Guest_3712]

Hey my dear CMF,

Just an observation, if I may but you always seem to assume people are thinking the worst of you- ignoring you, putting you down, thinking your not good enough .

Could it be that maybe they are not thinking about you at all ? Sorry I don't mean this in a bad way, but often we assume that people are thinking things they're not, because mostly they are too selfish and or preoccupied with their own crap.

We tend to project our own misgivings, low confidence and self esteem for instance , onto others because this is what we think of ourselves. I'm not including your ex in this because he has serious problems of his own and wouldn't believe a word he says.

Remember back to the times before your MI , confident, capable able to multi task effectively well you still can you know, its all there just buried under all this other stuff, dig deep my friend , time to retake your life .

Wishing you the best and good luck with the house swap discussion

Stressless

[CMF]

Hey SL,

You are so switched on ;-).

'...if I may but you always seem to assume people are thinking the worst of you- ignoring you, putting you down, thinking your not good enough " You are right about projecting ur own misgiving etc on others. I do always feel like i am annoying or a waste of time or useless. I guess I've been conditioned a little by people in my life, past and present plus low self esteem that i feel at the moment as i do not feel so good. A few weeks ago when i started my cement pots i felt on top of the world, confident, thinking i could start a business. i don't know why this sudden crash. Could be hormones, could be the diet, I don't know. I just don't feel right.

[CMF]

I'm so trapped in my life.