Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Not a problem with changing the name again and I like how it can be interpreted in a positive way, if that is how you feel then we 100% support you with the name change and I like the positive outlook on it - Can Move Forward!

I also thinks it's great you tackled your issue head on, it is a perfect way to deal with it and that shows major growth on your part which is great. I am also glad to read you went and seeked out help and got stuff checked out that you wanted too.. that is great to read.

Just remember, try and remain as positive as you can, even in dark times.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Thanks Jay, feeling quite sick tonight but had almost no sleep last night and utterly exhausted. I just do t k ow why I feel so out of sorts all the time. Haven't slept well for a few nights now. Thank goodness it is a bit cooler tonight.

cmf

[MarkJT]

CMF, the beauty of this forum is that we all care for one another, what ever is going on so it is great that you feel this.

With the name change, I am happy that you have gone with CMF rather than the old name. This can be read as "CAN move forward".

I am very happy that you tackled some anxiety. That is huge! Keep that going. Yes sometimes it will get the best of you but over time you will tackle bigger and bigger doses and come out on top.

Mark.

[CMF]

Well I slept a little better as it was not so hot last night. i wake up with a knot in my stomach every day. It is a beautiful day today, not too hot and sunny. I did get most of the housework done which was good. A clean, fresh house is nice. I feel a little anxious but it is not so much my mind racing it is my heart racing constantly. I can't smile, i feel so flat. I took my little one for some tests and get results hopefully Monday. I know this is making me anxious but I don't feel I am thinking the worst. I feel I am being open minded and will deal with anything if necessary but my heart is racing and I feel lifeless.

cmf

[MarkJT]

CMF, catastrophising is a really dangerous thing to get into. It is really difficult to control but it can be done so it is great to read that you do not feel that you are doing this. Try and catch yourself if you do start doing it and control it.

Mark.

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Sorry for my delay in posting back - I haven't been on the forums for a couple of days. You seem to be in that rough low patch we all experience at one point during our recovery's, some last 1 day, some last a week or two, just need to ride it out and get back to the positives. I can see how the waiting on results for your little one could cause you added stress, hoping everything is ok for you both.

How's the last couple of days been for you?

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

saw you posting around the forums 🙂.

last few days...up and down. Had an ok afternoon. Was looking at jobs on the internet. I gave no idea what I want to do when my little one goes to school next year but there were so many things out there that it gave me hope.

i have no oatience with my kids, especially when they get annoyed with each other. It does my head in and I just lose it. They aggravate each other and i can't deal with it. I hate when they get annoyed with the little one. I know they want their space but give me a break. I drive them around everywhere, it's not much to ask them to watch her for 5-10 mins if I need to do something considering they expect me to do everything for them. I think I'm too easy on them but I just can't do everything so I can be quite lenient.

anyway, I don't know. Guess that's why I feel a failure. I just haven't got it in me and no one is helping ie their dads. They just go about happily with their own lives then criticise me for being to easy on the kids.

sorry, ranting now, don't know why.

cmf

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

No one said being a single parent was easy and stress free - the stress is 10x that when there are two parents helping out because of all the little things, having to constantly entertain them, drive them everywhere, pick up after them etc I know it get's tough but it's all about rising above it.. one thing you are doing as well is teaching your kids to be strong. Again it may not feel like it but it's happening. I believe kids realise in life when the parent who is around and helping them get through life is the one they respond to the best but also give the hardest time too as well, partly because they know you will always be there for them no matter what but doesn't mean they don't love you any less.

Keep your head up as much as you can.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

Wow, this really stuck with me " I believe kids realise in life when the parent who is around and helping them get through life is the one they respond to the best but also give the hardest time too as well, partly because they know you will always be there for them no matter what but doesn't mean they don't love you any less."

I must admit, we have our disagreements and they will sulk off to their rooms then they will come out and tell me something like the argument never happened. When people find out my situation they often say i don't know how you do it. I never look at it like that. I just do what i have to do, i don't really think about it, it's automatic.

I tackled a couple of things yesterday that were causing a bit of anxiety, hopefully they are done and dusted now.

It is my little girl's bday this weekend. Have not heard from her dad still, my older kids will be with their dad and my brother will be away so it leaves just my sister. I feel for the little one, no party but i think she will be too young to understand anyway. We might go out with my sister for coffee and cake and when my other 2 come back sunday night i guess we can have a bday cake. It will be interesting to see if her dad makes contact. I do not want to go out with him and his family for her bday. Last year we were out for lunch as it was easter and he didn't even tell his family it was her bday even though that was the plan, to celebrate it with easter, that was what we had organised so i don't know why he didn't tell them. I will never work him out.Will probably spend easter on our own too as my brother and sister both going away so my older kids will probably go with their dad and again i do not want to go with his family (if he even asks). I don't want to go out for these buffet lunches anymore. I find them impersonal, too busy, watching people waste food esp his mum, it is disgusting she gets plates piled with food and eats a bit of everything leaving a lot of it and then it's always the same thing. He tells everyone not to to give little miss sweets cos they are no good but hen he fills up a plate and feeds it to her (control freak), he puts him mum down and says how stupid she is, no one does anything about it

Oh well, my current situation is not my final destination. I am trying to remember this.

cmf

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

I think that's the funny thing about kids, they get upset when they don't get their way and sulk but they get over things quickly and when they see you next they forget it even happened - My wife says I still do this too however hehe

I think it's great that you can just take the little one out, she won't know any different as to what you are saying and will probably appreciate going out for cake. It probably isn't healthy however going out with her dad's family. I would get the feeling it is awkward for you and honestly it may take you back a little because you will see things you won't like and then take those things on and start thinking about them long after the dinner/lunch is finished. Maybe taking her to movies could be an idea for her birthday?

And I really like how you finished that last post... this current situation is not your final destination. 100% spot on 🙂

My best,

Jay