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Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

Elizabeth CP
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

974 Replies 974

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Elizabeth~

You are swamped. Juggling your needs, your daughter's needs and your husband's.

As someone standing outside of it all and looking in I do have an observation, please bear with me if I'm long-winded, I want to ease into it.

My first wife ended up with diabetes brought on by the lifelong use of a most necessary drug. It was the full diabetic experience with blood tests every few hours, injections of measured does of the two insulins, eating and exercise regimes etc etc. She hated it and in order to make life more tolerable I'd do a lot of the testing, mixing and injecting. I'd also try to remind her about the exercise and diet.

Sometimes she would go completely off the rails. As a nursing sister she was well aware of the situation but simply was (for a few hours) not prepared to live that way. Consequences were not always that good. Of course I tried everything I could from talk to preparations to stop this rebellion.

The similarity I want to draw here is my wife as a responsible human being charted her own course though life, and there was no way I could take over that responsibility, no matter how I felt.

I'm not suggesting any reason for why your husband did not eat, maybe impatience with life, maybe absentmindedness, maybe attention seeking -I do not know the gentleman and have no idea at all. What I do know is that unless a person is mentally diminished they are captain of their course and that's it.

I know you may be faced with dealing with the medical consequences of failure to eat. Maybe a convincing talk of responsibilities and consequences to both of you? You are the person on the spot best able to judge.

You may think me cold, unrealistic, and displaying an lack of understanding of the situation, however all can see the effect on you of your three burdens and would wish you could partly lessen at least one of them.

Croix

Elizabeth CP
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thank you Croix. I really appreciate your reply as it shows a real understanding of at least part of my problems. My issue is that I am the one who has to deal with any consequences of him not eating. He is now used to me doing all the work including preparing all the meals so he doesn't have to think about preparing food. Probably the reason I reacted so strongly to my husband not eating properly was that I feel that in the future if I need or want to do something on my own I will be reluctant because I'll be worried about leaving my husband on his own. This limits my ability to have a break.

I saw my psych today & discussed what is happening. I need to try to schedule in some breaks as the next few weeks will be full on but I'm not sure how successful I'll be. I know that later this week will once again be extremely busy & stressful which could tip me over the edge again but there is no alternative.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Elizabeth~

I was somewhat hesitant to post as my thoughts were not a comfortable ones, I'm relived your took it as you did.

I've not much more to say except the twin goads of perceived responsibility and threat of untoward consequences can make us all feel stuck. If you have a partnership and are not just a caring service then I guess frank talk between equals may be the best answer.

That's what I did with my wife, as I felt stuck and great concern for her. She well knew blindness and degeneration of extremities plus internal organ failure were all on the cards from repeated abuse of her condition.

She also knew that under such circumstances I would not be able to look after her and she would have to be in care. This really did strike home and she was able to deal with her condition more successfully. It was never any form of threat or blackmail, just a pragmatic view of what would happen. Neither of us wanted that.

You can easily anticipate what I'm going to say.

If you keep on as you are and melt down your husband will be in care. If you keep on as you are and melt down your recovery will be marred by senses of guilt and failure. You need your husband's support night now, given in tangible ways such as preparing and eating meals, inventively relying on you less for things he can do himself.

He can be the one to ring you at your daughters and say don't worry, I'm eating.

He is your husband and partner, that is a position of love, pride, support, enjoyment.

When my PTSD, anxiety and depression was at its worse I in effect abdicated responsibility (not intentionally, it just was a fact of the illness) and totally relied on my wife. Later the situation was reversed and I was very glad to have the opportunity to be the partner that helped - so was she.

Yes I know, you may think me overly idealistic or impractical. Perhaps , however it is a possible way out of some of your burden.

I think I've said all I can. I hope however you do it the load gets lifted at least a little.

Croix

Elizabeth CP
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Thank you Croix. I appreciate your replies as you have walked a related path so understand some of what I am going through. I will shelve the frank discussion because I need to focus on the things which are essential right now but I will address it before the next time I need to leave him on his own. Tomorrow I am hiring a truck to move the rest of my daughters stuff & my husband will come with me to help with the heavy lifting & company on the long drive. At least when carrying furniture together his blindness isn't an issue as I guide him. Obviously he can't help carry much on his own. My challenge is to focus on doing the essential, urgent tasks & leave everything else that can be put off for a week or two to give me the best chance of coping.

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this but didn't want to start a new thread. I am feeling like I am just using the forum rather than contributing currently as I am struggling with so much on. I hope people will forgive me.

Today I saw my psychiatrist I explained that I had been very busy & stressed & explained what had been happening. I mentioned how down I had been after the busy Saturday helping my daughter. Unfortunately this is a common pattern. When I push myself to do something I end up overtired & then fall in a hole emotionally. Often I feel that if I didn't push myself to carry out the project I would feel even worse because of feelings of guilt & failure. My psych's question was why do I feel so bad when I have pushed myself & done the best I can. My logical brain can acknowledge that I've done what I can but something else beats me up saying I've failed.

His challenge to me was to 'stop the bullies from winning'. As a child I was bullied badly at school & this has left me with very poor self esteem & feeling I'm never good enough or haven't done enough. He wants me to treat the negative thoughts as if they are the bullies speaking so I'm supposed to tell them to go away so I don't let them get me down. I understand that this would help me but I don't feel confident at following through. Has anyone else got ideas or words of encouragement or can share what they do. Sorry I am not expressing myself very well.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Elizabeth~

OK, a couple of things, the easy ones first. It's an excelent place for that post. Using your own thread gives others an easy what to see what has happened before.

People contribute to this forum on different levels and this depends on their needs, abilities and circumstances. It is not all posting to others with encouragement and advice -though that has it's place.

Very many help simply by being helped. This does two things, firstly it answers a need most have to do some helping. That's built into people and answering that need makes them feel and be better.

The second is that the support received is read by the silent majority who never post but do read the Forum. They get helped too.

So don't worry. If you still feel you are not contributing enough then do what you can, put a post in the Happy Memories thread, list some music, contribute to one of WhiteKnight's think pieces - or similar. This social or keeping well side of the Forum is highly important - it provides relief and balance.

Now, with the thoughts of not doing enough, being strong enough, failing. If one accepts your psych's challenge I might tend to think back to the actual bullies I remember from my youth. Examine their juvenile cruel conduct through the eyes of the mature adult you are, see them as they really were -inadequate, desperate, shallow. Think of yourself now, an adult with judgment and standards.

Then look at the thoughts that insist you have not done enough.

I was fortunate in not being bullied, so I'm just saying what I would try, it may make no sense - dunno.

I do know you say getting overtired makes matters worse, so drawing a balance might be another possible avenue, pacing your physical self, where little things are ignored in the interested of husbanding your strength.

Croix

Elizabeth CP
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thanks Croix,

One of my problems is that I can't remember details of what the bullies did in primary school but I remember being scared running to the bus stop at the last minute in the hope that would stop them having time to bash me up. After school I remember running from the bus to avoid being attacked. I can't remember details of the attacks. At lunch time I sneaked back into class because I was too scared to be in the playground. The only friend I had stopped playin with me because she was scared of being bullied if she remained my friend. Home was the only safe place as I knew my parents loved me no matter what. The feeling of being unloveable, not worthwhile & every other negative thought is so ingrained from this time. Maybe I've spent my life running away to avoid the negative consequences of facing the bullies but I have never learned to stop

Sorry I need to stop writing as this is leadig me into really negative thoughts.

Ah Elizabeth I am so sorry you were bullied like that at school. It is a challenge for me to read and know you were tormented like that. And that you were so scared. My heart goes out to you big time.

I would have chosen you as a friend if you would have me as one.

It is so special you knew your parents loved you. I grew up not really knowing that or feeling it. But I now know that they did. Happy tears...

From my understanding about bullies is that it is really showing you about them and what their hearts are like. A reflection of their troubled souls.

If you haven't forgiven them do you think that would help you sort of let it go and be free from it all? It might Elizabeth.

I care about you and you awesome!

Shell xx

Thanks Shell, I really appreciate your support. I don't blame the people who were too scared to be my friend. I'm sorry you didn't feel loved as a child but I'm glad you know now that they did. I don't remember being told by my parents they loved me but there was always a feeling that they wanted us & cared about us. Their actions spoke louder than words. I can't imagine why anyone who knew you wouldn't want to be your friend. She are such a lovely person.

I am sharing an update on how things are going. The last month has been extremely busy & stressful trying to help my daughter prepare to move to UK including rearranging & sorting out my own house to make room to store her belongings. She left last Sunday. I have got most of her remaining belongings sorted & stored. She gave away a lot fortunately. There is still some stuff to sort but not too much.I then have to catch up on all the other tasks I have put off to deal with my daughter's move. In some ways I've managed quite well getting through a stressful time with no major meltdowns.

Unfortunately there has been some real costs!!! My sleep has been very disturbed as my mind is going nonstop day & night trying to work out how to do everything. I often find myself in the middle of the night trying to work out where to store things or worrying about things I haven't done. This has left me very tired. I also lack the time, self control & energy to do the things which I need to do to remain healthy. For example my walking & exercising has become very irregular. I am eating junk & worry about undoing all the good I did last year losing weight & getting healthier,I also got out of routine helping my husband with his speech & exercises & other things he needs due to lack of time. This leaves me feeling guilty & will have adverse consequences if I don't get back into doing everything he needs.

I need to find the energy & motivation to complete the outstanding tasks at home but equally important to get back on track looking after myself with diet, exercise, quality sleep & relaxation (to have a break from the stresses & recuperate) as well as helping my husband. It is easy to know what I should do but hard to motivate myself without putting too much pressure & risking me falling to pieces. I feel like I'm on the edge in danger of falling over