Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Dools, Sorry I didn't reply earlier. I'm having to leave my son's issues as I can't do much because his wife doesn't want me involved & refuses to listen to advice from anyone unless they agree with her!!!!

I'm struggling because of the fires. Everywhere you go you are confronted with talk or images of them. This leaves me exhausted trying to keep control of my feelings. I had to race out of church on Sunday when something was said in the opening prayer which triggered a very intense reaction. Stood in an empty hallway facing the wall crying until I calmed own but couldn't go back in. Felt embarrassed. Noone else would have reacted like me but it brought back the very negative feelings I had as a child and I felt so bad for all the children currently going through what I did. I also feel guilty & selfish. I have no right to feel this way because I'm not affected. Even worse, I'm not doing anything to help so I'm useless & bad.

[blondguy]

Hi Elizabeth(and a wave of thanks to Dools)

I just read your post on January 2 and it would be a concern when the doctors are increasing your sons medication for sure. They are only doing so to treat his current symptoms and as you mentioned he is in a difficult situation with your daughter in law

There is only so much you can do as the caring mum you are Elizabeth. I do understand your son's situation as I have been in the same boat and it can be a toxic place to be in, especially if we present with the symptoms your son has

I dont know what your son thinks about decision making....It hasnt been one of my strong points. Whether its your son or myself....If we are in a difficult/toxic relationship our first priority is to remove ourselves from it to protect our health and well being...all other considerations are secondary

Just from what you have posted it seems that your son has no intention of removing himself from his environment...(please correct me if I have misinterpreted your sons situation)

I feel for you with what happened at church Elizabeth.I have also raced out of various situations when I was oversensitised prior to starting my meds in 1996. These horrible wildfires can leave us vulnerable when we already are already going through a rough time. You mentioned that no one would have reacted like you did. My sister (in her 50's) did the same as yourself just a few days ago when she was in church during a service

please be gentle to yourself

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Paul, I try to avoid getting too involved with my son's situation at the moment as I can't do anything. I feel guilty because I rarely see him or the grandchildren.

I'm struggling with bad fatigue even after a decent nights sleep. I've given up the medication completely because it wasn't helping. Haven't told the GP!!! See her tomorrow for an unrelated test result but may not mention the tablets so I don't have to explain myself. If the psychiatrist expected me to stick to the meds he should have been available to talk to instead of cancelling appointments for 4 months.

I saw the psychologist yesterday who does exposure therapy. The session seemed to finish suddenly after he'd tried to tell me what to do/not do but I didn't really understand how to apply what he said in my situation and there was no chance to clarify.

Sunday I had tried to talk to my husband to explain how I felt &get advice/suggestions. Instead all he kept saying was the meds make you tired so just stop them. I know stopping the meds even if it helps is not going to fix all my problems so I feel I have nowhere to turn to get out of my situation. I'm tired, unmotivated, feel lazy & guilty for not doing enough now & in the path. . It is my fault I'm depressed & anxious because I'm not doing what I need to help myself. I'm confused. Do I push myself to exercise & get things done or is that going to escalate the tiredness & stress & make things worse.

Hot weather, smoke, high fire danger are really affecting me along with the constant talk of bushfires bringing back horrible memories of when we were caught in a bushfire.

[blondguy]

Hi Elizabeth

You are doing everything possible at this time...Thats all you can do. I hear you loud and clear about the fires...the smoke and the bushfires....This is an mentally exhausting time to be going through

With all respect for your husbands point of view....Recovery from these awful anxious and depressive symptoms do take determination....patience and a strong will to heal. Exercise is great except it doesnt treat our symptoms. I used to run every day for years in the 1980's and I felt great physically yet the anxiety didnt go away....(just for me that is!) Forgive me Elizabeth...can I ask if your anxiety has a negative impact on your day to day well being? Please ignore the question if I have asked the wrong question...Just trying to help

my kind thoughts always

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Paul, Wanting to get better is fine but knowing what to do is hard as there are no clear answers. The anxiety was much worse on the higher dose of meds. It really affected me. Now the depression is worse except when there are bad triggers which leave me reacting irrationally. I have headaches, neck pain & jaw pain from the tension due to the anxiety. Lately the tiredness &/or depression are affecting my motivation and ability to concentrate.I put things off because they're too hard but that leaves me worrying about them. Things I normally enjoy seem an effort.

[Elizabeth CP]

Just a brief update. Didn't sleep much last night due to heat, smoke & just feeling depressed anxious etc. Husband was struggling all night coughing & choking. He's got worse over the last few days. This morning he attempted to put fluid in through his PEG tube as he didn't feel able to eat normally. It came straight up from his stomach. Took him to ED which was full probably due to smoke related health issues. He's been admitted after having various tests. Doctor wanting to ind out about tests done several years ago & then decide if there is anything else that can be done. I think we exhausted all options previously but maybe someone can come up with something. On the positive I can sleep undisturbed tonight. Hopefully he's home soon but past history doesn't raise my hope much. Need to go to bed & hopefully sleep.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

I do hope you manage to get a couple of nights unbroken sleep. An additional benefit I'd imagine is you can set the house temperature to what is comfortable for you while you husband is away getting those tests.

You asked a serious question "It is my fault I'm depressed & anxious because I'm not doing what I need to help myself. I'm confused. Do I push ... "

I think I'd turn that around a bit. It simply may not be possible for you to do more than you are now, and by judging yourself by "normal" standards you are setting yourself up for feelings of failure. A more reasonable yardstick to judge you behavior and accomplishments would give you a fair number of victories, even incite admiration.

If there was one thing I'd notice -and admittedly I may not have all the facts - is that you may not be proactive enough with your medical team. A good example being if you are not understanding and benefiting from your psych's choice of therapy (exposure) then pointing this out and requesting an alternative approach might not only give you more of a sense of control but may actually lead to a therapy that is productive.

Could I suggest you do tell your GP abut ceasing the meds? By now he or she would be sufficiently acquainted with you to know you will not do things just on a whim, but will have solid reasons for your actions. For the GP to have an accurate idea of your intake and everything else may lead to a more appropriate set of treatments.

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Croix for your comments.

You mentioned being proactive with the medical team. My psychiatrist prescribed the meds last November. He'd tried to encourage me to try meds ever since I saw him. I was referred to him after trying several different ADs by my GP (not my current GP) The side effects were intolerable. He recommended a different AD which was worse than ever so I stopped it after speaking to my GP. Had 3 months before appointments with psych so couldn't wait for him. After that I refused all ADs until experiencing a significant increase in symptoms on the back of extreme stress & a long period of physical illness leaving me extremely tired & unable to cope with the stress I was experiencing. I expected to see the psych in 4 weeks time but he cancelled the appointment & next appointment not available to end of Feb. 4 mths between appointments. I was then forced to speak to my GP for advice. I'd not previously spoken to her about MH issues so she had no idea what was happening. She was not my GP when I tried other ADs so she is just trying to fit in with what she thinks the psych wants but has had no contact with him since is not available for contact.

The exposure therapy I feel I need although this is a terrible time for it. I started August last year but then stopped because he seemed to get sidetracked. I then restarted on advice from the psychiatrist because the media was putting up very confronting images and messages that were impossible to avoid and had triggered an escalation in my PTSD symptoms. The first session back before Christmas was OK although triggered a lot of memories but some of that I thought was positive because it made me realize how much I was affected even about things I had never discussed with anyone. The last session I went hoping to explain some of the other things I'd realized but he stopped me part way to talk about thinks he thought I needed to understand but it led to too much sidetracking & him having total control of the session. When the session finished I'd had no time to explain my concerns & left confused & unsure what I should be doing. .

I need to write things down in point form with a list of events which have affected me. The fire I was caught in was the catalyst for the PTSD but this has impacted the way I have perceived subsequent fires & how they have affected me. I've noticed each summer over the last few years I've become worse avoiding most activities I normally enjoy which impacts on my MH.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

4 months between appointments for your psychiatrist strikes me as terrible, and not being available to talk to your GP means you have a 'collection' of professionals, not a team at all -something that is very necessary.

Writing everything down in your own time sounds an excellent idea, one I've used with success.

I still have the feeling your psychologist? with the exposure therapy still needs more direction, your leaving a session without a clear idea of 'homework' simply wastes time that could be productive.

Did you manage to get any better rest?

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Croix, I started the medication thinking I had 4 weeks (not 4 months) to try it before being reviewed by the psych so was VERY unhappy when that appointment was cancelled leaving me with only the GP to talk to. Since she didn't know my history with ADs that wasn't satisfactory. I have been seeing a different psychologist who has no interaction with any of the other health professionals. He isn't an expert in exposure therapy which is why I agreed to see the one referred by the psychiatrist. I will stick with the original psychologist for no matter what happens with other professionals because he understands me & my situation. He focuses on all the other stresses in my life as a carer & other issues that come up. He has met with my husband and helped him understand what is happening with me and helped us come up with solutions to problems we were having.

I used sleeping tablets last night & will do the same tonight. I'm too uptight to sleep properly otherwise. Today has been busy with several appointments. I saw the GP but didn't tell her I'd stopped taking the tablets. I just couldn't face it at the time. I got results of some tests which while not terrible showed that there has been a decline since the last test. This is a little scary as it puts me at increased risk of injuries & other problems in the next few years. Something I can't afford while I'm caring for my husband. I will do what I can to slow the progression but it is very limited. My husband is going to be in hospital for some time. My visit today while productive left me feeling shattered. I had to be very assertive to get thing done including reminding them of the amount of times he almost died last time he was in that hospital. They at least saw my concern was genuine and acted on it. I then had to push hard to get food for him. He had a drip but no nutrition for 2 days. I wasn't happy so I rang his private speech pathologist who rang the hospital & was able to get through to the right people to get what he needed. While I was successful in getting what he needed the effort left me feeling emotionally drained. I'm feeling very isolated. At his request I texted a few family members to let them know he's in hospital. The only replies have been asking me to send him their love & best wishes. It was the same last time people only care about him!!!

Sorry I'm grumbling. This has come at a bad timeon top of everything else