DEVASTATED

[Falling_Angel]

Hi i havent been on for a while but im at the end of my tether

im sick of ppl assuming things about my life and then actually making me believe they are honest and true& yet they lie straight to my face especially since i put all my trust in them and thats really hard for me and also,especially since its a obvious misunderstanding on the other persons behalf ????????????????

Im confused,angry ,upset and basically plain devaststed. Why why why ??I try soo hard to please those i care about just to have it slapped in my face... I honestly give up ....!!!!!!!!!!! i really dont think im getting the proper support i need atm and then to have someone close to me run me down and not remember anything ive done for them .. thinkng im just a taker (wow) anyway this person means the world to me and i dont know how to go about working out the problem especially if i feel the replies arent honest omg how did i allow myself to get shattered like this or let myself ....!!and all because of a miscontrude overheard conversation that had nothing to do with this person and also was taken the wrong way,without discussing it with me which would have made it all different omg

anyway guess im asking how do i stop the suicidal thoughts thats are currently and have been for a few days consuming my mind ? i now feel like a noone like ive been put in the same catergory this person sees nearly everyone ? it hurts and im just gob smacked

any suggestions if anyone reads this please?? HELP

[Falling_Angel]

HI SN .

so your holidays have officially started ? how are you coping? let me know when u have your tests if u want to .

i got a referal to a shrink today im looking forward to getting professionl help my mentl health worker took me to doctors he concerned im depressed more than usual but they keep mentioning hospital and im not going in the mentl ward again i hate that plc so ill tough it out at home ..... going to have a few drinks and knock myself out i have lots of things stirring up my ptsd ill explain next time have fun take care -hugs- x

[startingnew]

Yeah my holidays
have started on wednesday so im two days into it now.

On wednesday it took
us 2 hours to get here and then we unpacked the cabin. And we went
shopping as well. We also went for a walk on the beach and went for a
bike ride. We spotted dolphins in te late afternoon and also went for
a walk around town




On thursday we went
to mini golf and fed the fish- its a huge communal fish garden that
we buy a bag of feed and we can feed them. Then we went for a walk
on the beach again and went shopping and exploring the town abit more
and all the little shops. We also stopped for ice cream and
milkshakes




and today(friday) we
went to a lookout and lighthouse, a very pretty beach, shopping, a
walk and a bike ride and also watched the dolphins this morning. It
was mostly driving around to get to these places but the views were
nice when we got to the beaces and the lighthouse and the lookout

[startingnew]

I only had 2 hours
sleep last night which isnt helpful for me at all.
Im ok for the moment
just stressing about a few things but just trying to relax and make
sure my pop is ok which Is who I care for and ive organised a heap of
security things so I know hes safe and I call him twice a day as
well.

I havent been
studying which I know I should be but ive got no motivation and im
startting to think this holiday was a bad idea. Ive only got 2 weeks
study left now

my lump is getting
bigger again and I cant get in to see my gp until next thursday and
its got me really worried.

Ive organised to
speak to the womens health nurse about all the pap smear questions
and then ill organise the actul test while im there. My appointment
for that is the first of my so I can let you know mre about that when
I can get there, im going to see if I can get in any earlier though




Im glad you got a
referral to see someone, thats really great and proud of you for
taking that step
yeah my gp,
psychiatrist, psychologist and womens health nurse think I should
really take a break and get to a hospital ward but I wont go there. I
dont like it and its also a very big trigger for me.

[Falling_Angel]

Hey SN , how are you today? the dolphins sound magical .

i know your stressing and it would be hard not to i also have a evasive test coming up im not keen on but have to get the results ..and court could start anytime after 10th may ..im shaking and just dont want to deal with reality today ...i hope we can both get thru these tests together and that we are both ok and then can start to try to move forward ,im hoping your having a better day . Ive been thinking of you -hugs- FA

[startingnew]

HI FA

i havent been very good at all i lost a friend again today 😞 again for gods sake!
The person who raped
me more than once and did othr things to me is the father of my
youngest sister. He often sends a card at her birthday, easter and
christmas but at easter and xmas he often sends a card but writes
just to then our names from his name.
This time however he
wrote to me and said to my name then love from dad- his name.

Its making me feel
very sick and bringing up a lot of memories and sensations and its
disgusting me. I cant stand being in my own body. I feel really gross

i recieved a card from him today and it really is stirring up a heaps of emotions

i hat those invasive tests- good luck with yours too, they arent the best things to have

court dates are always stressful, what was that for..? sorry youve probably said that but my heads abit scrambled sorry

we can hold each others hands during the tests and also ill continue holding your hand through the court date as well

[startingnew]

im very stressed FA and many mnay things are going on for me but tyes the dolphins were magical and i love seeing them in their natural habitat rather than in zoos etc

we can hold each others hand while getting the invasive tests done and ill still hold your hand through your court dates as well

i think youve said it but i cant quite remember what was court for?

did you have your surgury?

and also hows your cat going now?

[Falling_Angel]

Hi SN .....wow im so sorry the person u lost isnt the ex step dad? im a bit confused...but sorry again. As for that piece of crap ....well i know what id like to do to him :{ if i remeber right you didnt tell your mum about him?

what he did etc ? welcome to the scrambled memory club 😞 im so sorry that happened to you and everythiing since i know its hard ive been there i wish i could say something posative but i just know its not going to help as the damage is done and he is still being a thorn in your side ptsd yes constant triggers i used to be that bad when i went out id want to come straight home because i just couldnt deal with people at all.... the court case is regarding a GP i have on assualt charges he was charged and pleas on 10th may he resigned from medical board last year so i feel ive won already but still got to follow thru withh what i started its hell but hoping for a good outcome ...just stressful

so as u can imagine me seeing any doctors is horrific now but i have support person with me at all times and this doc is really good , thats the problem i cant take it out on innocent ppl but you know how sometomes a smell or u see someone similar looking etc all triggers . your supposed to be on holidays not this omg SN i really feel for you 😞 can i ask how the person you lost passed ? thinking of u ill await a reply as im unsure of what im talking about until u tell me , my brain is fog today -hugs- (i care) xx

[Falling_Angel]

oooohh btw i like your butterfly just imagine thats you spreading your wings full of colour life wont always be horrible i promise but its difficult ..we can only try to express our emotions and live day by day and find something good out of each day

sometimes thats hard to do .

chow for now xx FA

[startingnew]

Sorry FA ive been
bullied over the past few days as well and its been hard to get my
words out anywhere

sorry




no the friend I lost
was a girlfriend of mine- not literally just a friend that was a
girl.

Yes my ex step dad
was the one who did the SA to me and he was the one who sent the card
but it was to both my youner sisters and me too.

No I didnt tell her
about him at all.

Oh no do you want to
share your thoughts abit more around that?
That must be very
stressful and of course going to gps would be stressful for you. My
God
im home from my
holiday now- got back yesterday afternoon

I lost my nan who I
was really close to and was her carer as well for 2 years and the 2
years I cared for her where the hardest. My nan had cervical cancer
and end stage copd- which mean pretty much half a lung worke, she had
heart problems and asthma as well. The cancer was quickly going
through her and the end stage copd got to her in the final hours

[Falling_Angel]

Hi SN Well dont we have alot in common i cared for my dying father lung cancer got him....and i still smoke ive got copd so i better be careful but i wont even think about trying to give them up before court is over ..the doctor had groomed me and he then finally sexually assaulted me its been a long 2/3 years but finally court ... hope that tells u enough .so who was bullying you? your family ? so did u get to enjoy any of your holiday? and any results from tests come back yet? im sure your getting them all done now and really hope its nothing to worry about ...been thinking of you -hugs- FA XX