Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[Ritchie_31]

Hi Dools,

Sorry about the delay in responding, busy time of year with the kids.I am hopeful that my husband will get better

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta and Ritchie,

I'm hoping you and your husbands are doing okay, and your families as well. This time of year can put a lot of peruse on people as well.

My husband and I both suffer from mental health issues. My husband has decided he doesn't need to see anyone to talk with them. I was trying to encourage him to see a psychiatrist as I believe he is on the Autism spectrum, he had an appointment but cancelled it.

Sometimes we bounce off each other. Like while doing the grocery shopping this week! It doesn't take much at times! So I wish you both well trying to help and support your husbands while remaining sane and functional yourselves!

Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Hi Ritchie, Redhuta. Mrs Dool and everyone reading,

I have not posted for a while but have been reading posts.

It seems a lot has happened recently.

Redhuta it sounds like there has been some progress by your husband.

I really like your words."So I wish you both well trying to help and support your husbands while remaining sane and functional yourselves"

It is such a fine balance.

Quirky

[Redhuta]

JUst thought I would check in. Things have been going okay. I actually had to go away for work for 4 days so he came and stayed with the girls. We even slept in the same be the night before as I had a really early departure.I know he waited till I was asleep before he came in. Throughout my trip I called to speak with the girls however he made not attempt to talk to me. He did everything with the girls and even did all the housework etc. They came to collect me from the airport and my girls were happy to see me, he did not even ask how it went? He was very distant and I think it trigger something in me. I was actually dreading coming home because I knew after a fun 4 days of work/pleasure I had to deal with what is my life now. I got in the car and I noticed he had his packed bags and I asked him if we were dropping him off to his new place and he said yes. I just cannot understand how he just cannot talk or tell me this? The indifference is what kills me. He knew I was upset and he text my eldest daughter a few hours later to see if I was okay. He then text me to apologise for not talking to me and he did not mean it. I feel like I am now heading down a bout of depression. I have had onset depression a few times in my life but after quite huge devastating events andhave taken meds for a few months and then okay. I think I am now heading down that road again. Being away for 4 days made me realise how much his issue have affected me and I actually got really angry that he has allowed myself and our children to endure this so long.I am waiting till this Christmas period is over and I am going to make some serious decisions about possibly relocated interstate. My job has some great opportunities and I think a fresh start with my girls may be what I need to move on. I am not sure how he will take this either. WE are going away on a holiday in 10 days however I don’t know what that will bring? Maybe being away and in a different environment may help us reconnect? I know he is seeing his Psychologist every week but he said they dont talk at all about our marriage.

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta,

All the best with making up your mind wether to stay or go.

The holiday could be very interesting! If possible, it might be very beneficial to have an open chat with your husband before you go so you both know what to expect.

Communication is vital to any relationship, even ones that are a bit rocky. Maybe if he is not talking to you, at least express to him you need some kind of communication, even if he writes down how he is feeling.

If you don't mind me asking, how are you all spending Christmas?

I have no idea of how things really are between the two of you, is he in some way feeling guilty, nervous, intimidated or something different when he is with you that he feels like he can't speak up or doesn't want to?

When I am in a mood, my husband has no idea what to say so he just shuts up. Sometimes that makes me even worse! Ha. Ha.

Communication! It can suck at times. Wishing you all the best with it.

Cheers from Dools

[Redhuta]

Hi Dools,

My gut tells me he feels he feels he is walking on eggshells and really is worried whatever he does will upset me so he he shuts up. He has admitted his psychologist has explained he simply never learn how to express his feelings so he struggles with expressing them as it makes him vulnerable . When we first met this was not the case and to be honest his open ends and vulnerability was what I absolutely loved about him and fell in love with him.

Christmas Eve we are spending with him at a restaurant with the kids on which I suggested . He will stay over and be here first thing when the kids open their presents. Normally we always spend Christmas Day ( he is not close to his family) with my family however he has refused to go. Its heartbreaking for my kids however I am not going to beg him even for the sake of the kids.

What frustrates me if I ask to talk about things he will always agree however I always have to initiate this conversation.Its exausting and its what hurts the most.

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta,

A while ago, someone wrote on the forum that a psychologist explained we sometimes don't have the words to express how we feel and that can make the issues harder to understand and mend.

I printed out a whole list of emotions and feeling words as I too was having trouble pinpointing how I was feeling, let alone trying to express that to others.

One therapist actually had a printed page of different facial expressions, I found that very helpful too.

At least your husband is willing to talk, even if you have to initiate the conversation. Sometimes my husband just walks away or turns the T.V. or radio up.

It is lovely you can have Christmas Eve together and that he wants to be there for the children in the morning. It must be hard to know he will not be with your family for Christmas and the children are hurt by that. Maybe he just finds that far too difficult.

Trying to make relationships work can be exhausting. Hopefully you are making time for yourself in all of this as well. We need to recharge our own batteries along the way.

Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Ritchie,

Just dropping by to say Hi and hope you are all doing okay.

Maybe in the New Year, you may feel like starting up your own thread and gain more support there. No pressure, just an idea for you.

Cheers from Dools

[Redhuta]

Dools you are full of wisdom and I really appreciate your perspective.

I am thrilled that my husband told me his Physologist has said he is really progressing well and I think he is having a month break now due to the festive season. I am just happy for him regardless that he is getting the help he needs and it good to hear his optimism. This is not something I have heard for a while!!!

I am grateful that we are able to be kind and supportive to each other especially for the sake of the kids. Thankfully I am now on leave for 3 weeks and I can start to focus on myself,getting exercise and just re grouping as the last couple of months have been exausting trying to balance work/kids and our separation.

[Redhuta]

JUst popping in to wish everyone a happy new year.

We are about to leave on our holiday so I am hopping this is a time where we can just enjoy and just relax. Christmas was very different however we got through it and my daughters are amazing really resilient girls. My husband sends mixed messages so I am learning to just keep my distance. One minute he is wanting to be part of our family and another minute he wants to go back to his new place. Christmas Day we spent the day together then in the afternoon he did not come with me to see my family. It was very sad for the girls and myself however we made the best of that situation.

I am hoping 2018 is a better year for everyone!