Depressed Husband is affecting the children

Redhuta · ‎19-11-2017

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

Ritchie_31 · ‎03-12-2017

Thank you Dools,

When I feel more comfortable I will start my own thread. Thank you for the advice. I am going to seek help. Unfortunately the situation with my friend will probably not change as she was not truthful about what happened and she is avoiding contact. She is not t

Doolhof · ‎03-12-2017

Hi Ritchie,

There is certainly no pressure for you to start your own thread, if you feel comfortable to do so than it will happen. You are certainly welcome to join in anywhere on the forum.

I like to pop over to the more social sections at times as well. There are so many sections to the forum and a wide variety of threads to join in with.

Sorry your friend is not being very open about what happened. I noticed you thread seemed to have been cut off at the end. I do that sometimes! Jolly modern technology and I don't always get on well. I sometimes click on the cancel icon instead of post and need to start all over again!

Hope your weekend is going okay!

Cheers to you from Dools

Redhuta · ‎04-12-2017

I feel so sad as my daughters are really missing their dad. They have bothe been crying and telling me their feelings however not to their dad. I have explained to my husband as we do speak that the girls are afraid to tell him they miss him as they dont want to make him sad. I have actually encouraged them to speak and express everything they feel as I want to break the cycle. His dysfunctional family NEVER spoke of feelings and I come from a totally different upbringing where everything was spoken about open and freely.

I don’t know if this is the right thing to do but flowing my gut on this one for my daughters.

Doolhof · ‎05-12-2017

Hi Redhuta,

Helping your daughters express how they are feeling sounds like a very valuable and healthy thing to be doing.

It may help them immensely to share their feelings with their father. You can explain to them that they do not have to feel like they need to make their Dad happy, we can make our own happiness in this life. It is not their job to prevent their Dad from feeling sadness.

Dools

Redhuta · ‎05-12-2017

Thanks Dools, they adore their dad especially my youngest who is 9.

My husband asked if she could go over to his place tonight as he drops her off at school every morning anyway. I asked her and she wanted to go with him. I think its also helping him with his loneliness too. I think its wonderful how he is going out of his way to spend as much time as possible with them. I cannot believe he doing so much for them and me to be honest with things around the house and chores. Its his way sometimes I think of saying sorry too.

Ritchie_31 · ‎05-12-2017

Hi Dools,

Not very good with technology, thank you for all the advice. I will try and open my own thread

Doolhof · ‎06-12-2017

Hi Redhuta,

I'm thinking about that saying "We don't know what we have until it is gone". Maybe your husband is starting to understand what he had and wants to ensure he still has some of it in his life.

When we move away from someone or something we can see life a lot clearer. Maybe with all the time on his hands now and being alone in a place, he has a better understanding of what he wants.

I'm really hoping that life works out better for you all!

Cheers from Dools

Doolhof · ‎06-12-2017

Hi Ritchie,

I'm going to try to give you instructions on how to start our own thread. This may well be a case of The Blind leading The Blind. You have no idea how many times I have felt like throwing a computer out a window! Ha. Ha.

Go to the main page of this forum. Select the All Post box. You will now find a page with a whole lot of listings. Scroll down and select say Staying Well or Depression ( or which ever title suits you best).

Once you have done this, on the right hand side of the screen you will find a box that says New Thread. Click on this.

You will now come up with a page where you can enter the title of your thread, write what you would like to share and then at the end you click on Post this thread. Then bingo! Your new thread will be created and sorted shortly.

If my instructions are dodgy and confuse you, call the hotline on 1300 22 4636 and ask for technical assistance. That has worked for me in the past as well.

Give it a go Ritchie. People keep telling me I can't bust a computer! Ha. Ha. Hopefully you manage this okay.

Cheers to you, will be looking out for a thread from you when you are ready. From Dools

P.S. Even if we do think our posts may be in the wrong category, the people behind the scenes will help with that and will let you know via email if they need to change anything. No big deal, just a little technical assistance if needed.

Doolhof · ‎09-12-2017

Hi Ritchie and Redhuta,

Just popping by to say "hello". Hope you are both doing okay!

Cheers from Dools

Redhuta · ‎09-12-2017

Thanks Doolhof,

All is going okay. This week has seen some good progress with my husband wanting to share about his therapy and how he has connected with his physiologist which is the first time ever he I feel he has had this. I saw my physiologist and he was very helpful in explaining to me how I need to set my boundaries and still be there for him. My husband has declared he wants to deal with his issues which is very promising. I have also expressed my need to have stability as I am not good with instability as well as are our daughters. At this stage Iwill give him time .

I think all this has happened for a reason and the distance has given him clarity. He still feels awful about what has happen. I think we need time and lots of open conversation.