Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[Redhuta]

Thanks Croix,

I know which ever way things pan out my daughter and I will be fine. As each day goes by I feel more and more confident about sticking to my guns this time. I figure if he really wanted to salavage out marriage he will get the help he needs. Either way I know I will find happiness with or without him.

[Croix]

Dear Redhuta~

Wow, that is great. Knowing you and your daughter will be ok either way and the confidence to see this through - I really believe you will.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Redhuta]

Well today finally after almost 2 weeks of not speaking we had one of the best conversations I think we have ever had. I wanted to wait till the meds kicked in properly and he admitted he is in a rational state of mind.

We discussed the fact that we do need to be apart for him to work on his anger. For the first time I saw a determination to really get the help he needs. I explained that he needs to want to do it for himself and for the first time I saw genuine desire to really give his 100%. I think the fact I was very factual rather than emotianal he listened and did not see it as an attack . This is a pretty big step for him.

We spoke about the logistics of the kids and at this stage he will start work with the physiologist this coming week. I asked why his GP had agreed for him to lower his meds and it was that he wanted to increase his sex Drive which is zero. I feel ( and I could be wrong) I just don’t think she is the best GP for him and his depression. I have asked him to get a proper diagnosis from a physiatrist as I worry there is more to his mental health issues. His father was bi-polar and his mother has social phobia and anxiety so genetically he is predisposed. His younger sister had bi polar and has addiction issues so it really runs in the family.

I do think him moving out will give him the clarity and finally get the help he needs.As hard as it will be I am going to step back so I do not hinder his progress. I do love him and I will get the support to also look after myself and my daughters.

[quirkywords]

I am so glad to hear you glad some good communication and have sorted a few things out and agreed to things.

Hopefully time apart and getting the help you need will help clarify things for you both.

Thanks for letting us know what is happening and keeping in touch.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear Redhuta~

I think you have mapped out the best plan possible under the circumstances. Waiting until the meds have taken hold before talking, asking about their reduction - all of it.

Having the talk without his feeling it is an attack shows a hopeful side to it. I would not be surprised if his GP had been led of track, your husband's assessment of what was important might not have been realistic.

I guess another hard stage -waiting to see what happens. I know you said you were going to get support for yourself and your daughters. You can of course talk here too, the less isolated you feel the better.

Croix

[Kells_mummabear]

Oh Redhuta I feel like I’m living a parrellel life ! My hubby has been on anti depressants for 7 years now , before that I was just so in love I fell for all his whims to make him feel better ... including travel , moves, kids , the grass was always greener and at first it was exciting .... along the way he’s always been loving and supported us financially , engaged with the kids had soooo much fun with them until his snap !! And his mood would oppress us and engulf us. Probably over the last year there’s no fun at all anymore , he drinks sometimes moderately but mainly heavily , he snaps at the kids and his rage is extremely explosive and then hours later remorse sets in , it’s escalated recently to because he lost his father .... I’m at a loss andto be honest I feel lost, alone and broken hearted ..... his abuse recently towards me hit a whole new level ..... no remorse yet ... but I’ve got to the stage imesnting out , but instead offered for us both to have counselling .... no thanks ... was his reply ...

so please know youre you’re not alone unfortunately I have no answers at all for us !!!

Thanks for helping me not feel so alone !!

[Redhuta]

Kells_mummabear so sorry to hear your situation too.

My husband is moving out today and I feel numb. Hardest thing is I have to get ready to go to work when all I want to do is stay home and cry. I feel incredibly guilty because he is moving into a small apartment and the though of him being alone with very little makes me so sad. He will be around every morning to do school drop off and very involved with the kids so its not like we wont see him.

I feel like he is not letting me know to much about how he is feeling and maybe that is him being him. I cried all night last night and he simply stayed away from me.

I just wish I could wave my magic wand and all could be fixed.....

[Doolhof]

Dear Redhuta, Kells_mummabear and All,

Living with a person who suffers from a mental health issue can be very difficult to understand, for the person suffering and all around them.

Some people find it very difficult to accept they need help, or may be fearful they are out of control, maybe labelled as different, or just can't find the words to express how they feel, and don't have a clue how to feel any better.

My husband and I both have depression and other mental health issues. Life has not always been a barrel of laughs in our home! We try to get on the best way we can. We have separate bedrooms. We try to do some activities together and catch up with friends separately at times.

Some days I just want to cry all day, other days I try to make the most of what I do have, what we both have together. It is not the marriage I had wanted, it could be a lot worse in some ways.

I haven't had the guts to leave, so for me staying is the best I can do, making the most of each day is the best I can do. Working out who I want to be in all of the this is the best I can do.

Cheers dear precious people, my heart goes out to you, from Mrs. Dools

[Ritchie_31]

Dear Redhuta , Kells-mummabear, Doolhof and all

I am a new member and found these posts helpful, I have experienced depression and anxiety for 30 years and I have managed my symptoms through anti-depressants and having a good routine. Still have my bad days however focus on that I do have good days.

My husband started struggling with his mood due to being unemployed, his confidence and self-esteem lowered. He attended GP and was tried on medications. Recently he was admitted to hospital and was diagnosed with an agitated depression. For 5 months prior to going into hospital he became distant, irritable towards our two lovely children, overusing sedation and drinking alcohol. It was like living with a stranger, walking on egg shells. We were so relieved when he was admitted to hospital and had hope that with the right treatment he would gradually get better. My husband has been out of hospital for 5 months, he has a good consultant however his her remains very anxious and distant. My older child has recently become very anxious especially around his dad.

Doolhof I understand what you written as I just want to cry and I try to make the most of each day. I thought I had support from friends however since this has happened they have been avoiding contact.

Just reading these posts and writing this post has helped me feel less alone

Ritchie31

[quirkywords]

Hello all,

Ritchie, Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. It is reassuring to read that reading the posts and the act of writing your post has helped you feel less alone. Many will relate to your story too and by reading other people won't feel alone. I agree that Mrs Dool wrote a moving post.

Mrs Dool you wrote "Living with a person who suffers from a mental health issue can be very difficult to understand, for the person suffering and all around them". This is so true . When you are the person suffering you often have little or no insight into how your behaviour affects others or is interpreted by others.

Redhuta, I have often wanted a magic wand too, but alas so far I have not found one that works.

I am sorry you are hurting. As Mrs Dool said the person suffering may not be able to understand what is happening so maybe your husband is not able to make sense of what is happening to offer you support.

AS you can see telling your story here is helping others not feel alone and also helping may reading this thread.

WElcome Kellsmummabear to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. I think it helps to know you are not alone.

Quirky