Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

Thank you for all your kind comments and help, you are an inspiration. I am doing to take a break for a little while, I have started the journey and need to regather my senses. The thread you reference is quite a read, thank you.

You probably deserve a bit of a break from me!!

Please be well and be happy.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

I hope you come back to read this. You have been a great inspiration to me and it has given me the courage to talk to you in full and frank manner. I do not need a break from you as I have been enriched as we have shared each other's journey. I wish I could do more to help you and I will have you in my thoughts. Please come back when you are ready. Sudden thought, it wasn't something I said I hope. Your previous post made me wonder why the long gap between posts.

I would like you to find the real you and be the person I think you can be.

Take care my friend.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Oh dear Mary,

Thank you for such kind words and encouragement, I didn't last long did I. I really appreciate your lovely words. I don't know If I can go on without someone to talk to at the moment, even if only by a forum.

It was nothing you said I promise. I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now, and I hate roller coasters. I don't even know how to describe it, but let me share some good news. I am booked to be back on the couch for what will no doubt be a whirlwind session this afternoon.

It would be nice to actually know who I am, what a concept. You would think I would have figured it out by now, or maybe I am just so unhappy with large parts of me and my life. There are parts I am very happy about, but they seem to revolve around my wonderful daughter. The rest I need to reconstruct maybe. Oh brother I don't know what to do and where to do it.

I will stick around, caution: ramblings may be disjointed, disconnected, and rubbish at any time.

All the best wonderful lady, thank you for being there.

[White_Rose]

Lovely Mouse

Welcome home. Emotional roller coasters are a bugger aren't they? But you do get to see the sights. I hope today's session went well. ramblings may be disjointed, disconnected, and rubbish at any time. They are welcome in any form.

Yes I think it is good to know who you are. Oh Mouse, I am feeling so much better now you have returned. It really felt as though I had lost a friend, and I don't make friends easily. However my world of acquaintances has grown larger. I went to St John's cathedral in Ann St this morning to a service in honour of Mental Health Week. You may have seen the banner on the home page. Really inspirational. Make a date to come next year. There is always a personal story to be told and today's was full of hope and resilience. The keynote speaker took as his theme Journeys and was terrific. Anyway I was so surprised at how many people I knew at the service and was quite overcome that they chatted to me. Even the previous priest from my parish, though I must admit I spoke to him first. I wanted him to know I had friends there despite his dreadful treatment of me a few years ago. Spiteful? Well yes a little. I did enjoy myself though. Better say a few Hail Marys before I go to bed. 😊

I cannot remember, did you ever do the MBTI q'naire? If so, what are you? I found the first time I did it I was surprised at how it reflected what I thought about myself. Lost the report of course so did it again when someone put up a thread in BB Social Group. Still tells me what I am. If you haven't done, have a go. But I have a suspicion you have already completed the q'naire.

The Gifts of Imperfection is holding me spellbound. I also found another book and am trying to remember where I saw the title. It's called Highly Sensitive People in an insensitive world, by Ilse Sand. I wonder if you fit the criteria. I got it from the library so it is available in Brisbane.

So two lovely happenings today. The service and a post from you. Great stuff. I expect a full report shortly.😊

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry I have been tardy, it has been quite a week. I didn't know it was Mental Health Week but that does seem rather appropriate at the moment. That explains the cupcake fundraiser that was going on for that poor your lady on Monday then. I've been a bit busy/distracted/train-wreak.

Sounds like you have a really nice start to the week, I'm so pleased.

Promise I will come back, just very busy and very tired this week.

[White_Rose]

Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Magnificent Mary,

We made it to Friday !!! This week that seems an astonishing achievement, so I'm prepared to take a win where I can. I know some very tough days are on the horizon, but today the sun is shining and I'm vertical. win-win!!

Now where were we, oh yes!! We talked about Myer Briggs in July, my last one was “The Mediator” (INFP-T). I found an old one a wee while ago and noticed that every time I've done one the "I" indicator gets worse, or more pronounced. On reflection that is about right, my mojo indicator was never strong but it has wasted away as I get older. Oh well.

My time on this couch? yes it has been almost two and a half years, we just worked that out and did a bit of a review, I think she was trying to point out how far I've come and all the journey we have been through. Darn, I forgot to tell her about "the couch" references, I'm sure she will find that funny. This lady I think has helped me more than any other, previously I've been to several women and men that didn't seem to help me get anywhere. One of the guys was seriously a space cadet who I think did more harm than good. I read about others here having a journey sorting through for good advice and assistance and certainly agree. Its also not a case of you get what you pay for. In my experience value is most certainly not related to price. Interesting.

Yes I'm having a reflective day, it is taking my mind of the "what now?" question and the 5-7 stages of grief thing. I may have added a couple of steps ...

I'm really glad you like the gifts book, you got me. I found it again and read the first page. Now I have it with me I'll have a go at the other 130-something pages!!

Highly Sensitive People in an insensitive world, by Ilse Sand. Adding it to my reading list, I guess we have the makings of a book club here. That does sound like a scary relevant book. (shudder) (squeak) !!

One good book deserves another then, let me toss you The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Quite an astonishing book on many levels. I read it at a very turbulent time for me several years ago and it really gave me hope that I could change and be less of a tool. Memo to self, read the darn thing again!! Soon.

Ahhhh, I feel capable of making it to the weekend now. I hope your Friday and weekend are as wonderful as your Monday sounded, it did sound great. I didn't miss the subtle bit about your previous priest ... you naughty girl!! Good on you!! I have a mental picture of St Pete chuckling ...

[White_Rose]

Hello Dear Mouse

Yes, we made it to the weekend. What has the weekend got in store for you? Not much here. I'm going to collect a book that I don't remember ordering from the library . There must have been a reason when I ordered it and no doubt when I read it I will remember. That's how I got Sensitive People. I must have come across the title somewhere and decided it looked good. Either that or my ESP is working overtime.

Shopping after the library. I usually spend as little time as possible grocery shopping. For some reason I am going twice a week which I rationalise by saying I have run out of an item. I am actually enjoying the shopping. I had best give me a self check and see if I am really me. Today I know I am me and feeling quite downcast. I think I am missing the person who has gone out of my life and even as I write I am crying. Must stop.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

I hope you have now had a chance to cycle through the five stages of grief, or the seven stages if the need arises. I'm sorry to hear that someone has left your life, there is always a hole to fill isn't there. As much as the head tries to rationalize it, the heart always has other ideas. Those two never seem to see eye to eye. But I hope you are feeling fuller this week.

You reminded me to go look for the "sensitive" book, although I'm having a problem reading at the moment. My concentration is not what it should be. If you come across an Idiots guide to Life please save me a copy though, it should have an orange cover. I feel in real need of a how to pull your head out guide.

It has been a very disturbing week all in all, too many depressing thoughts and too much emotion with way too much confusion and sadness. Is it a full moon? feels like it should be.

To a full and rewarding week for you lovely lady.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dear Mouse

Well that must be the shortest reply I have ever sent to anyone. I am so very sad and feel very much abused by this person. It really is best I have no more contact but I cannot help missing him. Note: This is not a romance in any way. I did not go to my volunteer job in Cleveland this morning and may well not go to the West End tomorrow for the other job. I will wait and see what the morning brings.

Had a chat to both of my daughters yesterday and they are aware of my grief and anger (not to them) and also my dilemma. But when all is said and done it's my decision. Had a long chat to my son in Melbourne a week ago. We do not talk as often as I would wish. I am never sure what time he is working but if I leave a message he will call back, so no real excuse.

I hate being in emotional pain, though the other sort is not good either. I am certain I am experiencing all five stages of grief at once. Anger, denial (and de other rivers), grief, what are the others? It will take a long time I suspect to get over this dreadful event.

Yes, I am finding it difficult to read, watch TV, or in fact to concentrate on anything much. I am going to take a break from BB for a little while. I find the other posts I answer just set me off again. However, and if you don't mind, I will continue to write in here. You do lift my spirits.

I will be returning the Sensitive book to the library shortly as I decided to buy my own copy.

Will it help to talk about your week? Sometimes it is, at least I find so. Managed to snag an appointment with my GP this morning and sat in her office and cried. Tried for some couch time but for some unaccountable reason she has gone on holiday. I spoke to my temporary stand-by counsellor for an hour this afternoon. I feel I just need to talk and talk until I am exhausted. Maybe it will help but not at the moment. My GP is so good but believes in telling the truth. This will hurt badly for a few days she said, and then it will start to go away. I wish I was as certain.

So I do hope your week is going better than mine. I'm thinking it couldn't be much worse. Oh dear, I hope I am not going to be as weak-kneed as this for long.

Cheer up they said, things could be worse. So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse. 😊

Mary